The Ugly Truth

Hey!! Remember Me!!??? Well, I mean - no offense taken if you forgot me (insert wink here).

It's been a little over 2 years since I've been here, which should tell you a lot about where I am. I could go on and on, I could make a lot of excuses but let me give you a short summary. For starters, I had some mental and health struggles that really impacted my weight loss. I've gone up and down and all around - story of my life!! End of story. Now, I weigh in much higher that I ever have, at a number I'm too embarassed to share just yet.

I'm tired... so tired. I'm tired of trying and failing. I am tired of trying and just not making progress, even with best efforts. I'm tired of comparing myself to others and wondering why I can't be like them. Most of all, I'm tired of allowing myself to be dragged down by all of this.

Recently, I've been working on my mental state to move me to a more positive place and prepare me as I start this journey again. I'm changing my approach this time. I'm changing my mind set - which is really where it's all at for me. My mom recently started a Bible study going through the book "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst. It's going to be a long process, but I am going to find my "want to" and with that I am going to find my success.

For now, I leave you with my plan and the promise that I will strive to be here checking in at least once a week. I hope you will join me. :)
Plan: 1. To begin working out again - at least 3 days a week for now.
         2. To hold myself accountable through this blog, through social media, and through my accountability partner.
         3. To work on my biggest struggle, which is proper portion sizes

I started by working out this morning with my all time favorite work out!!

Here's to a new journey, a clean slate, and making this happen for ME. 

Satisfaction

So - here I am and I had so much to say, but as I sit here I just don't know where to start. Bear with me, I hope I can connect my thoughts.
Lately, I've been in a funk. I mean.... a FUNK. I think many have probably noticed, few have reached out. It seems to me like the edges of depression, and I have been trying to stay away from the black hole. And yet, I feel like I'm in the black hole. BUT this post isn't about depression - because I am not going there! I just am NOT. That is not what I want for my life and I will come back renewed.
There has been so many little things going on - from work changes, to finances, to parenthood struggles, to weight and health struggles and beyond and I have let the combination of everything really pull me down and I need to stop.

I'm trying to not only dig myself out of my black hole, but better myself as I go - in many ways. So, my starting point is personal development, because mentally and emotionally I just need it. Really we all do. I keep seeing the phrase that if I am not working on personal development and I am struggling elsewhere, it ALL comes back to that! And I think I keep seeing that, because I need to be reminded that life is more and that developing myself emotionally, mentally, and spiritually will uphold me much better. I listened to a podcast by Priscilla Shirer and in it she speaks heavily of satisfaction - of finding contentment in our circumstances.

 

 

Let me tell you how much that really hits home with me. No matter how many times I have proclaimed "comparison is the thief of joy", I have continued to compare. I'm not as skinny as her, I don't lost weight as easily. My finances suck, why can't I get those in order and improve or win the lottery or something! My child is a hot mess, I love her SO much I cannot even describe it but attitude is rough sometimes! My job, I worked hard to finish my Master's Degree and yet why can't I fall into a big promotion or great placement of use like so and so did? They didn't even have to try... Things like this, you see they are not helping me. I know I am not alone, I know many people go through very similar struggles. This podcast is the reason I am writing right now, because her words really rang true to me. There's a reason I am in this season RIGHT NOW. Why am I in such a hurry to always be somewhere besides where I am? She challenged me to resolve to live with a spirit of contentment. Here is her proposed resolution word for word: "I do solemnly resolve to embrace my current season of life and I will maximize my time in it. I will resist the urge to hurry through or circumvent any portion of my journey. I WILL live with a spirit of contentment." WOW.

You see - I am quite blessed. I have my family all here- so many of them that love and support me despite all of my downfalls. I have a beautiful healthy daughter who struggles with much the same negative self image and doubt that I do. I have an amazing husband that takes out the trash and mows the yard and helps out. And you the know the best part - he loves me and Madyson for who we are. Every day he loves us, even through the rough days.

One of the best things that you can do for your life is to seek contentment in your circumstances. Yes we should continually be trying to better ourselves and even seeking more. I am not taking away from that. I did work hard to get my degree and I will not back down from challenging my career  path and that outlook holds on my other issues (weight loss, parenting, finances, etc). BUT I also need to learn satisfaction in the here and now, just because I am striving for more does not mean I can't find happiness in my circumstances and live a satisfying fulfilled life through the whole path. I don't have to reach the top and battle all of our challenges to be happy. I can be happy through the storms - and so can you.

 

Today, I resolve to find contentment and satisfaction in my life while striving to better myself and my circumstances along the way.

 

 



 

 

Let's Talk Rubies

I had both the pleasure and the honor of participating in a very unique project. The Ruby Project. This project was all about stomping out insecurities and judgment, about encouraging women to understand that our looks don't make us who we are. We look in the mirror and we criticize ourselves, we look at other women and many times mentally judge there as well. We are our own worst critics and we need to stop tearing each other down.
It's about support - I was astounded at the number of kind comments and likes and reactions I got by sharing this project on Facebook. It's also interesting to see who didn't bother to react. People that are after you to participate in their journeys, but they don't so much as like such a spectacular mission that you took part in (see there I go judging).

In truth, what is perfection? Perfection is not a size 3 or 5'8". Perfection is what we as a society has tried to make it and we are very wrong. You see we were created in God's image, and we were ALL created with a purpose. Each and every one of us and we should never doubt or question that purpose.
Am I saying we should all just let ourselves go and flounder away? No, but we need to stop condemning ourselves for the size of pants we wear and the number on the scale. And we need to uplift each other always.
This project was started by one person who saw a Facebook post and decided she needed to take a stand as well. She took off running and in the end we were all blessed by the project. And I am hoping along the way many others are blessed by it too. To quote Jessica Psalms 31:10 tells us that "her worth is far more precious than rubies" - hence The Ruby Project.

We started by holding signs of either things people had said to us or things we believed about ourselves that are demeaning or negative in some way. My picture below.

We then were pictured holding a sign with either a corresponding positive quote or verse that lifted us up from that dark place of negativity.

 

 

Even looking at my pictures here, I find myself judging myself!! I cannot believe that despite the purpose of this project I look at this picture and think oh my gosh... I just have gotten so big. Or wow, look how fat my knees are in those pants. You see what we are doing to ourselves? This world has completely torn us apart. My self confidence has always been LOW. ALWAYS. Despite what you might think of me, I am not outgoing, I am shy, I am nervous, and I am always self conscious.

I am working on me - in many ways, but in doing so I need to work on not tearing me down. ME as I am now is just as perfect as me 80 pounds lighter. Tearing myself down will not help, in fact it's a deep hole to dig out of. The purpose of this project is to bring an end to attitudes such as mine and bring out the positivity, uplifting, and encouragement.

What can YOU do to help?

The link to the full Ruby Project here: https://m.facebook.com/jessicajoybantaphotography/albums/769388886531933/

Take #4,682

I'm about to get very real here. In many ways, actually.
I was very focused before the wedding. I did a 24-day Advocare challenge and saw a few results, but nothing major and since that time I have somewhat fallen off the wagon.

When I started this blog, I was gung-ho and I lost quite a bit of weight. I was down to 180. And now.... let's just say I am nowhere near that, but at the moment I am not ready to share my number here. Let's just say I've been blissfully "fat and happy". I don't mean that in a demeaning way, please let's not take offense.

You see, I see friends posting about working out together. "Oh, my bestie came and worked out with me." "Oh my bestie and I went for a walk." etc and etc and etc. I don't have that. Don't get me wrong. I have my own set of cheerleaders and supporters, but maybe I seek the support of the people who are there, but not really there more, I guess my mind needs the acknowledgement. I don't know what it is. I am learning to be thankful and let people know that I appreciate their encouragement and support, even when behind the scenes I have selfishly been thinking - I wish this friend still showed support in my life. I should just be happy for that friend and where their lives have taken them. To be fair, there are friends and relatives who have offered to walk with me or go to the gym with me - my issue there is time and a 9-year old. Now let me say this - I AM NOT HERE TO DOG MY FRIENDS. I am not stating this to put any one of my friends or relationships down, I'm just making an observation. Please note, that I called myself selfish in regards to these thoughts on my part.
While I point out that I feel like I am missing out here, let me also point out the awesome supporters that actively make their support known to me. My sisters, who have done multiple workout calendars with me, who have ALWAYS had my back and lifted me up as a person. When I am uncomfortable about my weight or size they encourage me. Janet Davidson - a local Advocare advisor, regularly reaches out to me. You know she has never once said you really need to get your butt in gear. She always tells me I am beautiful and I am awesome and how much she wants to support me. And you know what, she isn't making money off of me at this point. Lindsay Hay - a beachbody coach, I constantly follow her posts and regularly participate in some of her groups, which by the way is what brings me here today. There are many people in my life who constantly encourage me with just life in general so I write this because I need to get over it. We all have our own lives!!

Back to Lindsay - I joined a challenge group that began Monday. It's called "Love Yourself Challenge". Those words speak volumes. It has been some time since I loved myself. I don't even like to look in the mirror - it disgusts me. Even with clothes on, I look in the mirror and think oh my gosh that is just terrible. And I need to stop - did you all see the size 14 model on the Sports Illustrated. People were shaming her and the magazine and it's just ridiculous. Yes, we need to try to be healthier people and live better lifestyles - not just for ourselves but for our families and those around us, but we need to stop demeaning ourselves over our bodies and who we are. I know better than anyone this is hard. I believe I just admitted that. I see my daughter struggling with some of the same things now. She has some of my bad habits and now I have to train myself and her to be better.

So why am I saying all this? What's my point? Well I have two:
1. We need to be supporting each other and lifting each other up. Be there for your friends and show your caring, support, encouragement. In ALL aspects of life, not just weight loss
2. I am back in action, reporting for duty. Working once again towards where I want to be - a healthier lifestyle and a smaller pant size.

Here's to continually moving forward, being thankful for those around you, and never giving up.

Where I'm AT

Me again!! Doing my occasional check-in since my recent recommitment to a healthier me!
This time I am actually excited about changing ME. The key is, this isn't a diet - it's a change. I'm not going to lie, there are times I fail at changing, or maybe it's just that I enjoy a splurge a little too much. I have been focusing on working through the 21 day fix workouts. This time without missing or skipping or anything. I made it through 21 days, taking only a couple of days off, then this past week I totally had a major off week (although I didn't just completely let go!) It was kinda like this though....

On the upside, with my changes and commitment, I have lost a total of 3 inches on my waist. I have not lost more than a pound or two, but I am happy with the inches! Now, let's see more!!! The small progress is keeping me feeling renewed right now. I want to see continued progress.

I have tried a couple of things that I was hoping for a small jumpstart from. I tried a program called Thrive. Not sure if you know what Thrive is, but basically you take a probiotic, drink a shake and wear a patch that offers an energy boost and appetite suppressant. I have a very good friend who is seeing some great results on the program. I liked the program ok, but my thing is I really don't want to rely on a continual program like this. I also didn't personally care for wearing the patch even though I could feel the differences. Just my personal preferences. I am however getting ready to start a 24-day challenge through AdvoCare. I have been approached numerous times before and I never opened my ears - or my eyes I guess. It all started with a sample of Spark and simply getting to meet a couple of the ladies that have been successful. Their spirit, their happiness, their passion is what has drawn me in. I feel like this is something that can work for ME. Everyone has something that can move them or push them. Let me also point out that this remains about a complete lifestyle change and NOT about a product!!
I'm also working through TurboFire calendar as part of my workouts. Getting up at about 4:50 AM to do them before work.
Here's to continuing forward with more progress in my plans!!

Gotta have an update!

I keep meaning to provide an update - and then I keep getting distracted!

Vacation came and went. I worked very hard in the days leading up to vacation but I saw little success. I did not lose a single stinking pound, despite my efforts! I'm not going to say I was perfect, because I wasn't, but I was certainly trying! And then of course there was vacation, I didn't "fall off the wagon" but I chose not to worry about my weight loss efforts while I was there. I mean seriously, we were taking a once in a lifetime trip! I didn't gain anything so that's a plus.

Now that I am back, I am jumping all in. I am making some drastic and much needed changes and I cannot wait to start feeling and looking better. I am down to only about 3 months until wedding time and I WILL NOT FAIL! I am going to start with primarily clean eating. Clean eating groceries cost money and many times we are strapped for time on cooking meals, but I have some great recipes to try. I'm also continuing my workouts - 21 Day Fix is the workout of choice right now. I may throw in some Turbo Fire here and there.

When I jumped back in here about a month ago, I did not retake my measurements. I just never got around to it. This morning when I popped out of bed for my early workout, I weighed and I took new measurements. I have official starting progress information to go by. With any luck - maybe I will lose the first 30 pounds by the wedding. However, I would also just be happy to lose 1 pants size by wedding time. Obviously my overall goal is far more than that, but short term goals are important too.
This isn't a long update, but it keeps me accountable and you in the loop. More to come!

I apologize for the language in this picture, but it fits the bill...

A little perspective - for me

So I started this whole blogging thing 6/5/13, when a picture from my dad's birthday embarrassed me.

I looked at this picture , which is not just of me and thought oh gosh, I need to do something. So I started this blog. I was working hard and actively becoming better. I had a long ways to go, but I wasn't where I am now. I lost more than 20 pounds and felt great! I was trying to do Insanity. I don't know what happened. I used this picture at one time as a mile marker just a few months after I had started.

Like I said, I had a long ways to go, but I was getting there. And now I'm here...

I love this picture. The photographer did a great job, I love the guy the in the picture with me too, but I look at it and my brain says oh my gosh look how big I have gotten all over again. My arm looks huge to me. And I feel ashamed and embarrassed. Not only have I been actively gaining weight rather than losing, but I am now the biggest I have ever been. I doubled in gain what I lost previously and I am very out of shape. What did I do?

Weight loss and fitness in general have never come easily to me. You see, I don't lose weight easily or quickly. It is a very real struggle! And unless you have the same struggles as me, you won't truly understand the struggle, but I still appreciate every ounce of support I am offered!! I hate swimsuits and I haven't worn shorts in over a decade. I just want to be comfortable in the skin I am, I want to make my body a better home for me. IT IS HARD. Even as I say this, I really just want to cry because look at where I was and where I got to and look at where I am now. Really? How could I let that happen?

I've tried purchasing the expensive products - Xyngular, Advocare, Phentermine, Plexus, etc... but I have to believe that I should be able to make a better me without buying in to these products and supplements that if used faithfully and as recommended cost more than $100 a month. First of all, I don't have that kind of money. Second of all, there has to be another way. I'm not saying those products are bad products or anything. Some of them are great, but why should I have to use that stuff to be a better me? And I refuse to continue doing so.

This is it for me, the end of the line. I've had my official meltdown and I cannot take it anymore. I've posted about slacking and coming back multiple times. I've begged for support and forgiveness in my weaknesses, it's time to put it all behind and truly start new. I will NOT quit, I will NOT give in. I WILL improve and I WILL make myself proud.

I'm starting with small goals. We leave for Disneyland in a few days short of a month. I plan to lose 10 pounds by then. I have been up early to workout the past 3 mornings and I intend to stick to my routine. The twins and I have little challenge calendar that has squats, pushups, and crunches we are working through. You know through it all, they have always been my biggest encouragers. They work beside me and never make me feel inferior even though standing beside them, my initial reaction is to feel inferior. They are athletic skinny girls and I am not. I cannot compare myself to them, but their support means more than I could ever say.

I've had continual support and encouragement from many friends and I have failed TOOOOOOOO many times. It's time to do something about it. Thank you for continued support and encouragement. Above all, I am going to work on my emotional state of mind as well - confidence is key.

Let's Talk about Madyson

I'm trying to get back into the spirit of my blogging. I am working on making a healthier me, but I want to focus on life in general in my blog as well. Today - let's talk about Madyson.

 Do you know Madyson? Before you answer that, how well do you know Madyson? Do you just know her name or know her in passing? Do you know how she acts, why she acts, or the things that define her?
Madyson was definitely not in my original plans the day I found out I was going to be a mom. I had just come back from a weekend trip with a great friend and her parents to San Antonio. And that friend (cough cough, Jayme) made me take a pregnancy test. My life was forever changed from that moment on. I never know the struggles we would share, the experiences we would hold and the wonders my life would now hold. The tears, the joy, the laughter it all has made us who we are. Now that little girl that came into my life is 8 years old and today she started the 3rd grade.

Madyson has always been extremely independent and she has a mind of her own. She is the most stubborn, outspoken, sassy little girl I think I have ever met. We have our own term for that - Madytude..... On the flip side, she has the most tender heart and tends to be very emotional very easily. The sass and attitude I think are her barriers against that many times. I know there have been numerous times she has felt like she doesn't have a place. She has come home from school, dance, etc. crying because she felt like she wasn't a part of things in the way she wanted to be. Also, children can be SO mean. I cannot tell you the number of times she has been called fat, chunky, etc by little girls (and adults at times). People have no thought as to how the words they say can affect someone such as Madyson. she internalizes these feelings and a year later might still be bothered by those hurtful words. Don't get me wrong, the child is not perfect herself. She says things many times without thinking first and am sure she has dealt out her own share of hurt feelings to others.

When Madyson was 2, she started saying things like "this is ridiculous". How many 2 year olds do you know that can articulate a word like that?!?!?
Madyson has grown up without a father figure in her life. We've been very blessed that I have my dad. Madyson has him wrapped around every single one of her fingers. We also have my brother-in-laws, Nick and Daric, who have taken Madyson under their wings. We have Holland who has become one of Madyson's favorite people in the world. And then there is Garrett who connected with Madyson on a special level. He took her to do all the things a father should have been around for - ice cream dates and trick or treating are their specialties. And now, we have Russ who has come into our lives and filled that void for both of us. He spoils Madyson just as bad as grandpa and they're constantly out causing trouble together if I leave them unattended, but the thing is Madyson adores Russ, despite the attitude she might throw him from time to time. Many people have asked me how Madyson feels about Russ and I getting married. She may tell you one thing, but she is very excited! Aside from all of these male figures, I have had a strong and steady support system. My mother does SO much for me! I have my sisters who help as much as they possibly can, and I have my loyal friends that have always been by my side and some new friends I have made along the way.

Many people have never seen the tender side of Madyson, but if you think about our lives, surely you can understand why she would have that wall up 90% of the time. She has to act tough, she can't let you see that weakness because people prey on weakness and from the time she was a child she seems to have understood that. Not to mention the feelings of rejection I am sure she deals with internally because of .... well.... "other things" I guess is how I will leave that statement.

Madyson dances - and if you watch her dance you know that is one of the most freeing things for her. Many people have talked about "I wouldn't let my daughter dance", "I wouldn't pay for that", and so on, but unless you have a child that you see the passion in them, there is simply no way for you to understand. Maybe the passion in your child's life is swimming or drawing, or baseball or any other little thing - Madyon's passions are horse riding and dancing. And I can see that at ALL times. Last year, we took a break from competition dancing, which I think was beneficial to Madyson. I think it helped her come to terms with changes that needed made and to understand what she was missing and whether or not she wanted to continue to pursue that. She is going back to competition this year and while she might complain here and there about having to go to dance class (because she has to you know listen and pay attention) she is also talking about how many dances she might get to be in and asking tons of questions about competitions, etc.

Because of the little things I see with Madyson, I want to broach a tough subject. We as people - especially parents and adults need to do everything we can to raise our children as leaders. As kind people who rather than telling a child they are fat or making them feel unwanted, they reach out and befriend them or simply offer support and encouragement. I see it with young girls her age, the snobby snotty attitude that makes other kids feel like they're just not special enough. I see it with teenagers who should be encouraging and welcoming, I see it with young adults who pick favorite children and without even realizing it, shun the others. I see it in adults who should long have known better. Madyson and I have never had a lot of money, but that doesn't make us any less of people than those that do. We work hard. I work TWO jobs, go to school, and still take care of my daughter - and I took care of her alone AND put her through dance on only my finances for the past 8 years of her life. Anyways, I will get off my rant, because I did not mean to make a rant out of that haha, I was just putting out observances and it's definitely not pointed at specific people, just things I have noticed. Please don't be offended or take my words the wrong way, just consider them and do what you can to raise and mentor your kids or maybe reflect on yourself to supply positivity into other people's lives. A little dose of positivity, acceptance, and encouragement can go a LONG way.

In a month, we get to go to Disneyland for the trip of a lifetime. I have always wanted to go and my family was just never able to. This is honestly probably a once in a lifetime type of trip for us, but we are all so excited! My family will be going (except my brother and his family). Many of them will be flying for the first time - and we plan to have a grand time!!

Our lives are far from perfect, but the fact is, it is our lives and we do the best we can. We finally have our third person to help fulfill our lives and the person that we so gladly get to continue moving forward with. We are so glad that Russell came into our lives and has become a part of our family in the manner he has. Here is to new beginnings and moving forward and simply enjoying the lives we have! We have some exciting things coming in our future and I cannot wait to continue this life with Russell and Madyson by my side! <3

It's About That Time

I haven't been here for awhile again. I've had a lot of struggle to stay on track and very little success. It's a very defeating feeling to feel as though maybe you will never get there, but you can't let that defeat win. I will get there! I will continue trying, despite my downfalls. And my dear sister reminded me the other day to not tear myself down. You see, I am surrounded constantly by people who are much skinner than me, but that does not make me any less of a person. Those words are important.
We need to stop tearing ourselves down, and remember who we truly are!

I struggle with this, I know I do, but that's why I am here talking to you!!

Did you hear? I am getting married at the end of this year!!! Hey that rhymed! I already chose a wedding dress and it fits me as I am now. I am hoping to lose some weight prior to our wedding day, which is only 143 days away. Here is the thing, it is VERY hard for me to lose weight. It's just the way I am, but I will continue to try! He obviously loves me the way I am - it's just what I want to do!

So, my current plan - cut back! A lot of my problem is I like food. I feel as though I should be able to enjoy food, but I have a hard time stopping myself. So my first goal is to cut back portions. I will also be trying to choose more wisely as well as drink less pop. Don't get me wrong - I am not giving up pop. A person should be able to enjoy their devices, buttttttt everything in moderation. We will see where that goes!

So.... Hey!! What's New & What's Not

I haven't been for a while - a long while. It's not that I don't have much to say, it's that I don't have much to show. I haven't been actively trying to lose weight for some time. Don't get me wrong, I think about it and I want it, but something was missing (like a kick in the rear) to get me acting on it.

So here I am again, starting anew. Let's pretend I haven't done this starting new 42 times already. I have a lot of motivating reasons to lose weight, get healthy, and simply be more fit, but it's HARD! I am not one of those girls that this comes easily to. I know a lot of people that are "naturally skinny", and I know a lot of people that work hard and do great. The truth is, that is my only option - to work hard. I've got to do it. For one, I want to be an example to Madyson. Here is the difference. I don't want her to hear me demeaning my body. I already hear her tell people she is fat. I just want to be an example of a healthy lifestyle, or of a person willing to make changes to get there. For two, I'm attending a dear friend's wedding reception just a couple months from now. I want to be able to buy a "little black dress" and feel comfortable wearing it. For three, well a girl likes to dream. I would like to think that maybe I will be taking my own walk down the aisle (like New Years Eve). I'm there, I'm ready, but it takes two so I'm waiting for my other half to decide he is ready - however I want to be prepared. I want to feel beautiful in that white dress when my day comes. Hopefully that dream will come true soon (*sigh).

So, here's the deal. I am back in action and I am not to be stopped (at least today). I bought myself TurboFire for my birthday. Turbo Fire is a "kickboxing" type work out amongst other things with Chalene Johnson. I've been wanting it for a long time so I decided what better present for my own birthday than a new workout! Yes - I bought myself a birthday gift, get over it. You gotta do what you gotta do. Anyways, TurboFire is a beacbody workout, you can get it online or from any beachbody coach. It's the same place that sells workouts like Insanity, P90X, T25, 21 Day Fix, etc. If you  need a beachbody coach I know a few I can hook you up. I really like the accessories of the workout. I just bought the basic set. It comes with a calendar and the DVDs, but I think my favorite part is a book it came with that is labeled Fuel The Fire. It basically talks about your eating and such, but I find this particular book way better than most I've seen and I am going to utilize it a lot I think.

I was successful before. I lost almost 20 pounds at one time a couple years ago when I started this blog. Of course, now I am back to square -2, but I am HERE!! My point is, at least I am here. Even though it is AGAIN, even though I have been here starting over more times than you can count. I AM HERE. I am going to get it right one of these days.

Back to Square One

The ugly truth is, I haven't done anything in any way to continue on my path to weight loss, and a healthier lifestyle. In fact, the opposite is quite true. I could make excuses all day long. Anyone who has followed me for any length of time and read my ramblings over the past couple years knows that I have been on that wild roller coaster. No excuses, it just is what it is - and well, that puts me back at square one. Not only have I not been losing any more weight, but I went off the deep end. I've pretty much gained everything I had lost back.

So what do you do about it? You get up, dust off your shoulders and start again. I have the will and the desire to be better. I have motivation to be better, so then where is my downfall? I have troubles saying no. I like food, I like pop, I like sweets, and I like to eat. That's all there is to it - BUT everything in moderation. I should be able to enjoy sweets here and there, but I also need to be more mindful of how often I am divulging. As I am back at square 1 (maybe -1), I have to make a game plan. I don't know what I need to do to make myself stay on track. Obviously people fall off the wago, but how can I keep from straying too far from the path? I think a lot of it is in my head, but the truth is, it is a REAL struggle. If you're reading this now, I am assuming you probably already know that.

So the game plan: better choices to start with. Maybe, I will simply cut back on portion sizes at times but I WILL make a difference. This is it. No more excuses. I am going to fall, I am going to make mistakes, and I will most likely continue on the roller coaster, but I WILL GET BETTER. That's all I can say and that is all I can do. I'm also going to get back into my workout routines. I have been working out intermittently, but nothing determined or focused. My plan at this point in time is to do the 21 Day Fix to start with. I think this program is a great way to get started. It builds strength and endurance. It tones and burns calories on a good level for me. When I finish that, I desperately want to try Insanity again. I will not take failure on Insanity, I will get back to it still. I am scared, believe me the thought of Insanity alone almost makes me break a sweat (too bad thinking about it doesn't solve the issue).

So, here is to beginning yet again, at square 1. Don't give up - EVER.

Speaking Out: There's a Moral to the Story

My writing is going to be a little different today. It's not about weight loss today. It is however about something that is very dear to my heart because I've lived it. I hope the right people read what I am speaking about today and still take some inspiration away from it. I'll try not to make it a book! :)

This is not something I openly speak about very often. Very few people know even most of the story. I hate talking about it! I don't like to talk about the hurts of my past, but I think there is something to be said. I'm going to be real honest and say maybe writing this blog today will close the book on my own healing process.

In high school, I didn't have a lot of boyfriends. I went to a private school and the boy selection was limited. I never got to date a lot and I was naive. So I met this guy, and I was "in love". I decided then he was who I wanted to marry. Well, then one day he breaks up with me. What!!!???? I totally thought he loved me. I mean I'm talking this is my first boyfriend and I'm not 12. A few months later he comes back to me and here begins the vicious cycle. I did date a couple of people while he was gone the first time (you know my brother had winning friends). This was just the begining. My family and friends had already lost their trust for him and constantly tried to "warn" me. We moved in together shortly after I graduated high school. I wouldn't say it was all bad. We had good times for awhile. Until he started drinking ALL the time, staying out all night, cheating on me, and whatever else he might have been doing. I kept my blinders on because I didn't want to lose him. Finally, I had enough (for the time being) so I moved in with a great friend. I worked with her at the time, she took me into her house and supported me. Her family became like my 2nd family. They even took me to San Antonio. When I got back from San Antonio, she was the one who made me take a pregnancy test. She was the one who stood there with me when I found out I was going to be a young mother. I probably owe her many many thanks for everything she did for me.
I moved out of her house and me and the boy got back together. After all, we were going to be parents so everything was perfect again... HA!! It was good for awhile again, and then he got a job in another town. During the week he started calling and saying he was going to stay with his boss. Turns out he was staying with the female co-worker. People told me they were hearing things about him being with a girl there and I denied it. This was after already spending several years together with this guy. I let the cycle continue and I played stupid to the facts in front of my face. Then my beautiful daughter was born January 31, 2007. The day after she was born he went back to his Ponca girlfriend and left me to fend for myself with a newborn. He never came home and when he did he was no help at all. I will give his mother and sister some major credit. They were a major help to me at the time. His sister would come stay the night to help me out. I can't tell you how many times his mom came over and cleaned while I took a nap. Eventually, I guess he got tired of the Ponca girl, promised me he would never talk to her again and well you know the cycle - everything was perfect again for awhile. Except it wasn't
He started sleeping with random girls just because he was out drinking all the time and that's what he wanted to do. This became my way of life. I sat home, knowing full well what was going on, and most of the time I was home alone. Then I broke. He was not helping me with any finances. I owed my landlord several months rent and I couldn't take it anymore. I moved back home to my parents. I got back on my feet and I found a nice little house to rent on my own. I was "free". Until he came back again, promising to change and I let him in. But let me tell you something, nothing ever changed. I spent somewhere around EIGHT years, playing this game letting him go back and forth. I was cheated on more times than I can probably count and constantly torn down to nothing. When he did come home he treated me badly. Not physically, I would have hit him back, but emotionally. I was called names, I was told I was a fat cow, the list is endless. So many times, I said I had enough but so many times I let him return. One day, litereally, it was like the switch flipped and I was suddenly strong enought to walk away. I made that break several years ago now, but some of the effects are hard to shake.
I know that because of this relationship I have a horribly low self-esteem, but I am working on that. Do you know how amazing it is to be told you're beautiful every day, and finally believe it's true? To feel actual caring from a significant other rather than constant worrying about what's really going on? I do... now. And let me tell you something ladies, it's 100% worth the wait to not settle.

So, why am I sharing all of this now? I'm sure you are sitting on the edge of your seating wondering that! Here's the thing, I have seen so many things lately point back to this kind of lifestyle and it breaks my heart. I wish I would have listened and done things much differently than I did. I don't regret the fact that I am where I am now because of these events. I could have saved myself a lot of hurting, and self loathing, and heartache. But I didn't - and I learned from that, and I hope that my little story here may reach out to some girl who is following the same story. This is only a very small portion of my story, but it should be enough to get the point across.

I can't tell you how many "good" relationship opportunities I passed up. On the same token, I'm really glad I passed up every single one because RIGHT NOW, at this point in my life - I am happier than I have EVER been. It's amazing, that's really all I can say about it.

A couple weeks ago, a co-worker was telling me about talking to this girl who was out of a bad relationship and then the girl ditched him to go back to it and he was like "Why?" "Why would she do that?" I said you know I don't have an answer, but I did that. Girls are.... well, girls. Some girls just want to have someone and so they will take the someone who claims to love them regardless of how they are treated. Recently, I saw another friend who dated a guy they broke up and now they're back together. She shared with me some of the reasons they're back together and then she told me she would rather be with him than be alone. She knows she is settling and that kills me! There is not happiness in a relationship like that. You may think you're happy because you're not alone, but the results will be long-lasting psychological issues. You do not recover easily from allowing yourself to live with that type of abuse. I have seen several similar situations lately and I just felt like it was calling out to me to speak up. Even the details I have shared with you here are the most minimal possible in order to get my point across.

DON'T SETTLE!!!! Do not trick yourself into believing that you are truly happy being treated like dirt. If you have a friend that you know is in this cycle, there is not much you can do. One must decide to break away from this kind of thing themselves. There is no amount of advising or lecturing that will get through to that person (at least not right away). A person has to come to terms with the reality of the situation. Is it easy? Well NO, but it's so much better than allowing yourself to be demeaned to nothing and convincing yourself it's ok to stay there because you don't want to be alone. Truth is, you're probably going to feel more alone by allowing this treatment to continue in your life. When it comes to kids in the picture, it affects them to. What kind of influence does these relationships have on your children? Is that what you want them to strive for?

I struggled to see it for many years, but there was a plan for me. I finally see some of the puzzle pieces of my life starting to come together and I'm going to say it again. I AM HAPPIER NOW THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN. I don't see any signs of that changing. I am working on bettering me, including stepping over my self confidence issues.

Failure is What You Make It

A little update on my challenge group that I offered - it didn't happen. I only had one person offer to be a part of it (I was never the popular kid) so she and I have kept in touch for accountability and we are kind of competing against each other. Or working together is how I like to see it.

There is a lot going on lately. I am going to school 2 nights a week, because some crazy part of me really wanted to get my Master's Degree. I only regret this decision when I have to get out of bed after staying up until midnight those two nights. For anyone who knows me, I go to bed at like 9:30, so midnight is pushing it. It's had a major impact on my workout mornings too. I have had to readjust my routines and am working on trying to figure out a plan. The past couple weeks, I simply have not made much of an effort. That's right - epic FAIL, but it's not a fail really. Even with my major screw ups and inability to stay committed, I am better than I used to be. I can generally see a difference in my portion sizes and even sometimes in my choices. Of course, when I fall off the wagon - I REALLY fall off the wagon. I will get there. It may not be today, or next week, but I will get there.

I struggle with not beating myself up about it, everytime I "fail". The thing is, failure is a horrible word and it's not accurate. There is no such thing as failure. When you fall down, you get back up again and you keep moving forward. That's all there is to it. There is no such thing as perfection either. Ask Shaun T and Jillian Michaels! They know what they're talking about..... just saying! I really don't know what I am talking about. I learn every day. I change constantly, but that's a part of growth and adaptation.

I had a conversation that really made me think. A couple of them actually. Conversation number one was with a friend who has 2 daughters. She said to me how can I expect my daughters to be ok with their bodies when mommy isn't happy with hers. She makes a good point. I don't think we will find happiness in skinniness to be quite honest, but happiness in knowing that we are striving to be the best we can be. If our children see that influence, it will boost not only their willpower to take care of themselves without being negative about their bodies, but it also may make a difference in their self confidence. I know that I try very hard not to speak negatively about my body in front of Madyson, but I am sure she has probably heard me make comments I shouldn't have. On the other hand, she sees me work out and sometimes she joins me. My other conversation had to do with self confidence. I have never had a lot of self confidence. Even in my "skinny" days, I was not self confident. It's always been one of my biggest downfalls. And it's something that is VERY hard to overcome. I've been working on that for years and I would say I am much improved, but I also have a long ways to go. You see, it's not easy feeling inferior in every little thing. My brother grew up tall and skinny. My sisters grew up tall and skinny and athletic, and then there is me - the middle child. The middle child always gets the short end of the stick! Do you know how many times I've heard "Geez, guess you got the bad genes in the family", or "Your sisters look just like you, only skinny", or the ex that called me fat all the time. Yes, sadly I hear stuff like that a lot. I had a self revelation in regards to this. For so long, I have let the difference in my body compared to skinny girls make a difference in ME, and that's not right. It's affected me negatively as a person when I should be striding in confidence, because while I may need to work on myself that doesn't mean I can't be beautiful to someone. That doesn't mean I should let go of all of my goals for myself, but I need to stop allowing myself to lack confidence because of it. The only thing that is going to do is hrut me more. So, I am making it my mission to not hold back simply because I lack self confidence. The only way to build self confidence is to force myself to get over it. It's time to knock down those walls. I'm going to be really honest and say I won't gain that self confidence that I should have overnight, but I'm done letting it hold me back.

Last time I wrote, I believe I said I was going to go back to doing Insanity. Well, then Beachbody had a sale on Shaun T's Rocking Body workout and I had to buy it of course. So, I am actually doing that one. Which is really quite fun. I feel like it's more of a calorie burner than a muscle worker so I've tried to do some additive stuff here and there for muscle work. I've been working my arms because I bought a new shirt I can't get on my arms and I am going to wear it!! I also have been doing some leg work. Haven't checked any results yet as I haven't been committedly working for very long yet, but I will get there.

I know I say it a lot, but I WILL GET THERE. I'm not giving up or giving in. I will continue to work towards a better me, and when I say a better me it includes so much more than weight loss. I am talking physically, emotionally, and mentally. The moral of the story is quit letting insecurities and unhappiness with where you are hold you back. You have to keep moving forward and you have to work through your discomfort in order to get to a place of comfort.

Here's The Skinny (Not)

Basically, I am getting nowhere. Granted, I could probably (strike that, definitely) improve on some things, but even with my current modifications I have accomplished nothing. To be frank, I am tired of not accomplishing anything here. I have been consistently working out, although I failed at the whole running thing. I've also been careful about my food to an extent. When I am eating something that isn't "healthy" I am careful about my portion sizes. Eating right tends to be expensive. Broke girl over here can't afford all the amazing products available to people. I do well to buy some fruit!! Beyond that, eating healthy also takes a lot of time, effort, and planning. Have you met me? Time is not something I have a lot of, and that's about to get worse with school, dance, and my own schooling no to mention two jobs. Here is the deal, these are all excuses. They are legitimate excuses, but I have got to find a way to make it work for ME, in light of my time and money situation. I can do this!! I want to do this, I just don't feel like I'm any good at doing this.
I've been blogging here about my "weight loss" journey for over a year and I really haven't made a lot of actual progress. Don't get me wrong, I have changed mentally in regards to fitness. I have gotten stronger and I have leaned down a tiny, itty bitty, little bit. It's time to kick myself in the rear and accomplish something FOR REAL. It's about to get real up in here. I won't be drinking pop during the week, although I am not gonna lie I will probably have myself a pop on the weekends. I won't be eating out during the week and if for some reason we need to eat out because of a time constraint or whatever, I will be making good choices. This is my accountability right here.

I want to say my sisters are still my rock in regards to all this. They constantly are backing me and asking me what I have done or telling me to do something. I need that! The things is, a lot of people get offended when someone says "hey, do some squats or jumping jacks or something". Truth is, I would probably get offended if it wasn't coming from my sisters. On a high note, when we started our squat challenge, they were crying after the first day. I was over here like I'm the squat queen! I don't even feel it. I've done so much slacking off and then jumping back on and then starting the cycle over again, I have only hurt myself. What kind of influence can I be if I am not holding myself accountable to all these things I keep saying.
Now let me confess, we didn't complete the squat challenge. We probably made it two weeks before we got distracted by life. That doesn't mean we haven't been active. When I quit insanity, my goal was to do things to strengthen myself and gain some endurance. Ya, I haven't gotten anywhere there either. Let me lay this out for you, in case I haven't made it clear. I AM GETTING NOWEHERE!! And I'm tired of it, and frustrated by it.
I was talking to someone about having a weight loss challenge between me and him. I'm going to do this, I just have to come up with some terms, which I haven't done becuase I'm a slacker. However, I would also like to propose a challenge to those of you reading this. Challenge will begin September 2nd (yes, the 2nd, because that's the date I want to start). I will come out with some more details on the 2nd as far as rules - that's right I'm not really prepared, but basically here is what's going to happen. Keep a written journal. I mean hand written. First day, I want weight and measurements. Before you panic, I am not going to make you share these, obviously at some point you will have to report them to me, but that's as far as it will go. I will not ask to read your journal, I will just want to see it as evidence. I'll be keeping one too. Challenge will last 30 days and there will be a point system based on activity, weight loss, and inches. I want to mix it up because I know that some have more weight to lose than others. I don't want to just focus on weight, because there is more to a fit lifestyle than weight. In fact, the scale is just a number. Please find some way to let me know if you plan on participating in this challenge. There will be some sort of prize at the end for the winner - and even if I win I will not win my own prize. Let's make it fun!
By the way, I am starting Insanity again Spetember 2nd with this challenge. I don't care that I don't feel ready, pushing through is the only way to change that.
I have the mindset, I just need the focus and follow through. My life is constantly at a run, and so many things are changing in it right now, but changing for the better and this is going to change for the better too. Something's gotta give and it's TIME. Actually, I'm running late, which is becoming a way of life for me. Time to go!
One more thing, this picture is exactly how I feel!

The Bad News, The Good News, & Everything in Between

Let me start with the bad news, and then the good news and then I will get to everything in between.

The bad news is - I am going to step away from Insanity for the time being. What???!!!! I know you must be thinking, why quit now? You won't get better if you quit. Ha, that Krysta talks a big game but she is quite weak. At least those were my own thoughts. Here is the good news: I am NOT quitting Insanity. Yes, I am stepping away from it, but I am going to go back to it and when I do I have every intention of finishing. Does this make me a quitter? Well, maybe so, but I like to think it means I'm taking my overall picture into perspective and working towards a goal. I still have every intention of completing Insanity.
So at this point, you might be wondering what my in-between is, let's talk about why I am breaking from Insanity. I happen to be 50+ pounds overweight, and I have never been physically fit - even in my skinnier days. As I was struggling through over and over I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere. I wasn't seeing any progress in my strengthening or endurance or improvements in the exercises. I was out of my league. I have already been told, well you can't ever get better if you let it go. I disagree. I'm letting go to get better and get better I WILL. My goal is to revisit Insanity 30 days from today and begin again, renewed and stronger. I hit a wall where all I felt was discouragement while I was doing the workouts and guess what - discouragement is not healthy. So, I made the ultimate choice that I needed to back down. Do I need to push myself? Absolutely!!! But what I don't need is to push myself so hard that I feel like an utter failure every time I turn on or begin a workout. See what I'm saying now?
Let me share this: I talked to my sisters about this a couple of days ago. In a world, where many time I feel very very alone, I have the most amazing sisters. I have very few close friends and many of my friends I don't hear from regularly. Not pointing any fingers here, it's just reality. When you live in different towns and everyone starts living their "adult" lives, it's hard to stay as connected. Does that make any of us any less friends? Well, no, ALL of my friends are still very dear to me, and I miss them every single day!! However, back to feeling alone. The reality is I often feel alone, but every time I get there I have my sisters RIGHT BY MY SIDE. They have never ever failed to back me up or support and encourage me - even the many time I have been underserving. So, I say something about breaking (I refuse to say quitting) from Insanity and they question me, and they say ok, game plan. We discuss options and they say include me (ok, this was not word for word obviously). I am going to get back into running. I reinstalled the C25K app to my phone. Don't ask me why because honestly I hate running, but it will strengthen me and help build up my endurance. Aside from running, we found some of those little 30 day challenges you see floating around everywhere. I say WE, because my sisters are doing it WITH me. They already started doing it with me. We went to the track to start Day 1 of the C25K program and they paced me. Ok, these girls are skinny and they used to be star basketball players, and they went at my pace for my benefit, because they were showing their support. So, when I had to slow down before my 60 seconds because I couldn't breathe, or when I skipped one of the 60 seconds because I had to recuperate longer, they did it with me. They ran slow with me, they supported me. And never once, did they make me feel inferior about it. One of my sisters found an ab challenge, and I found a squat challenge. Today is our Day 1 for those. They're holding me accountable, but they're doing it too. I've attached pictures of those for reference.

I constantly feel like an inferior being. I am weak, and I am not good at this weight loss and fitness stuff. Every time I look in the mirror I feel huge, and I'm exhausted from the struggle and from tearing myself down. So today, I read this quote: "Allow yourself to be a beginner, noone starts out being excellent". Yep, that was posted just for me, I am certain of it. And then one of my favorite bloggers to follow said (in paraphrase, because it was long): "I'm not the picture of perfect health and I don't have all the answers. I'm just a woman who was sick of feeling back about herself and decided to make a change. Everyone is beautiful and different in their own way. I started slowly one day at a time, and have learned that the road to success has no end and that comparison truly is the thief of joy. Just. Keep. Going!" Ya, I am positive she posted that for me as well.
I posted on Facebook asking people for their successes and suggestions. It didn't quite go over like I hoped, but I did get a lot of insight still. I got a lot of suggestions and things to work off of. I am most grateful for all of those!!
Here is my plan: follow the C25K program, do the and & squat challenges with sisters, continue my morning workouts at least 3 days a week. Watch my eating, believe it or not, this is my biggest struggle. I'm gonna say it again - I am exhausted from the struggle, but I'm going to keep on keeping on.

Insanity Update: Week 2 & Fit Test

Friday, I wrapped up week 2 of Insanity. This morning, I completed my 2nd Fit Test because I hit the two week mark. All last week, I continued to feel like maybe I was out of my league. I spent a lot of time feeling like there was no way I was ever going to be good at this, and a lot of time considering quitting some more. The moves are super challenging for me, ranging from burpees to push-up jacks. The thing is, I can barely do a push-up anyway, but push up and jacks all together? What the heck!The thing is, I can't quit. While I spend almost every workout discouraged with my abilities and upset at how little I can really do, I can't quit. I must complete this. Whether or not it will actually do me any good I have NO idea. Let me tell you what, I have been working by rear off these past 2 weeks and still haven't lost a pound. I am so mad!! I have even been trying to eat well, and that's aside from dripping sweat at 5 A.M. every single morning. I mean really what more do I have to do to actually accomplish something?
So this morning I did my second Fit Test, and I was worried that I wouldn't have any improvements. Much to my surprise, I did improve on almost every move. There were two moves that stayed the same - one of them was "suicide jumps" or what I like to call "burpees". Ya, those are a killer and I'm not getting any better at them. There is a lot of hardcore cardio in the Insanity videos and the Fit Test is no exception. Each exercise is all about speed and power. My improvements were small, but they were still there. I have no measured to see if I have lost any inches, and I don't think I am going to until at least half way through.
I will be taking next week off because we are taking a trip and I am not taking Insanity with me, mind you I plan on being somewhat mindful of my food intake; however it is vacation and I plan on treating it as so. When I return, I will pick up exactly where I left off on the following Monday - and probably crying the whole time! After that week, I will have completed one month of Insanity, and month 2 is supposed to be even harder as the workouts intensify. Someone please talk some sense into me now! How can they possibly get any more challenging than they already are??
On another note, I'm going to keep pushing forward, and some day I will be at least somewhat in shape, and hopefully with a better body to show for it!

Insanity, Week 1

I started "Insanity" on Monday. Day 1 of Insanity begins with what they call a fit test. They repeat the fit test every two weeks as a source to measure progress in the workout. The fit test consists of a handful of exercises and you do each one for a minute. The goal is to do as many of each one during that minute that you can. Each time you complete the Fit Test, you record your results and hopefully do more each time as you progress. So, when I did the Fit Test, I discovered I am NOT fit - at all. I was hoping that would be the easy part, but the truth is it wasn't. It was a full blown cardio workout.
With Insanity, each day you are assigned a different workout according to a 60-day calendar that comes with the workout set. Tuesday was Plyometric Cardio Circuit, Wednesday was Cardio Power & Resistance, Thursday was Cardio Recovery, and Friday was Pure Cardio. Each of the workouts that I have completed so far have been 30-45 minutes of pure sweat.
Let me tell you something, Insanity lives up to the name. Which I expected, but take that expectation time 10, and then take that thought times 10 again and you MIGHT be close to the intensity of these workouts. I have done 5 days of Insanity and it is literally the HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE!! Don't believe me? When Madyson was born, I spent an hour and a half on my hands and knees while enduring hard labor - this is harder than that, although less painful. I have been doing a lot of working out lately. I have done some pretty challenging workouts - or so I thought. The cardio is intense, the power moves are intense, it is so intense! Do you get my drift yet?
I am not good enough for this change in the game yet, and I almost quit. When I talked myself into sticking it out, I almost quit again. I cried every single day of the actual workouts, except for the cardio recovery. Tuesday, my calves were on fire! They still are if I'm being honest. At work, they were laughing at me because it obviously was hard for me to even walk. I was sitting at my desk hoping I wouldn't feel the need to get up that day. Of course, when you're drinking a keg of water that doesn't quite work out.
But I stuck it out, despite my tears and my negative thoughts that I can't do it, I just kept going. And that's what I will continue to do. Even this morning, I feel out of my league. I AM out of my league. I was so tired already before I even started the workout that I rested just as much as I worked this morning. And I feel like I can't do it. Even as I type about this point I would be saying don't do that, don't tell yourself you can't do it. I'm not perfect and the little voice in the back of my head says I'm not sure what you're trying to prove or even why you're still trying to prove it. On top of that, I wish so badly, I could just be cute and skinny without having to work so hard. I stepped on the scale this morning sure that I would see something for my efforts. I have eaten SO good this week, but guess what that scale hasn't budged. I've said myself the scale is just a number it does not define you, but I want to see something for my efforts! Even with my complaining, and my thoughts of failure and quitting, I will NOT quit. I mean I only have 55 days left, why quit now? I will finish, and I may not be very good - in fact, I am horrible, but I CAN finish and hopefully when all is said and done I will finish strong and proud.

Now let me say this, if I can do it - so can you. According to the BMI charts I am obese (do I feel obese? No, but I do feel overweight). The key is to stop making excuses. Believe me I have all the same excuses. I am a mother, with no husband or boyrfriend or whatever, and I work two jobs and we are ALWAYS busy with something but I make it happen. Have I always made it happen? Well, obviously not. I think more than anything I am doing Insanity to prove something to myself because in the end I am my toughest judge.

21 Day Fix

I just finished up doing the "21 day fix" - workouts only. I very much enjoyed the workouts. They were quick, challenging, and a good mixture. For those of you who have not yet heard of the 21 Day Fix, it is a program that comes with a different workout for each day of the week (i.e. Total Body Cardio, Pilates, Upper Fix, etc.). The program also comes with measured food containers that you are supposed to use for your meals. I'll be honest and say I didn't bother to use the containers that much. I feel like I understand the concept of portion sizes, I just don't very often use them as I should. I am trying (and struggling) to be better with that. I know that portion sizes make a bog difference in the long run. My problem is, my mind takes a long time to decide I can really stop eating. Anyways, I think I am getting off topic there.
I failed to take measurements and pictures before I started the program. I meant to, I just never did it and now it's been 21 days so I guess it's a little late for before pictures, huh? Here is what I notice to my judgemental eye. I feel a small amount of toning in my muscles, some strengthening in different areas. I have noticed a greater range of flexibility and movement for myself. I have noticed maybe a slight amount of slimming in my love handles on my back. It's hard to tell with all the cushion that I still have there. To be quite honest, I found myself a little discouraged and disappointed with my results. I mean I was supposed to be a new person in 21 days, right? So, as I was pouting about only subtle changes taking place, I then began to berate myself for not doing better. I was mad at myself because let's face it - I could have eaten better, I could have not skipped a couple days of workouts, I could have eaten better, and I totally could have eaten better! Eating is my most challenging thing in the weightloss front! I need to get a handle on this! So, as I was berating myself for not doing better, I then had to kick myself for tearing myself down. Ladies (and gents too), DON"T TEAR YOURSELVES DOWN! Listen to me, if you are trying, if you are putting forth an effort then pat yourself on the back! Are you going to be perfect? Well, no probably not, because I am prety darn close to perfect most days (obviously not) and I struggle here.
I almost found myself thinking I don't know why I am really trying, because it's not like I'll really ever be skinny. And maybe I won't. My body structure is not a supermodel body structure, and the truth is it never will be, but if I keep working and keep pushing myself to keep striving for more, I will at least get better than where I am.
One positive thing I can take away from the 21 Day Fix is I feel like I've actually established the habit of getting up and working out in the morning before work. I was hit and miss on this, but of the 21 days, I only missed 3 and they were all on weekends. I tagged that time on to the end as well. Overall, I am impressed with the 21 day fix program and am considering doing it again. The problem is I burn out easily on workouts when they get repetitive so I am going to move on and maybe come back to it in a couple of months. My next mission is Insanity. I'm going to admit right now, that I am scared to death that I am not good enough for Insanity, but I know I can do it! "If you're tired of starting over, stop giving up!" I am going to take it one day at a time and continue pushing myself.
This time I promise to take before pictures and measurements because I would like to keep track!
Here are a couple after pictures, just for fun! Don't laugh at my goofy tan lines either!

This is us

I felt compelled to write a little about mine and Madysons lives, an update and kinda what we're doing these days. Ok so maybe I found this to be a somewhat emotional morning as I sent my little baby girl to her last day of FIRST grade.. You know what this means right? Second grade... The kid is growing up and that's just not allowed! But at the same time I love it! She is such a precious gem in my life (well, usually haha) and she has become such an amazing young girl!! Ok, I'm done for the moment with my sappy talk!
These days we are constantly on the go! Sometimes I barely make it to bed by my 9:30 bedtime.. I mean seriously how do people function? Ohhh and I only have one child's events to keep up with - of course I have no husband or even her father figure by my side. I do however get an enormous amount of help from family. My mom has been gracious enough to become my built in babysitter. I don't tell her enough how grateful I am! She works in town every day 9-1 and then she has been driving the 12 miles BACK to town every day at 4 to get my daughter from school. THEN after she has gone out of her way and used her time she often has been the one to take Madyson to dance class as its generally while I'm still at work. All of this she does... for me... so I can work. See, pretty awesome!
These days I work at a bank in the trust & investments department. I have a series 7 license and I am a sales & administrative assistant. It's a great job and a great place to work!! I want to continue my career at this bank, but I also want to put my degree and professional abilities to use... translation I want to be more than an assistant someday! I'd absolutely love to break into HR or a managerial type role and maybe someday I'll get the opportunity! I work a 2nd job mostly just on Saturdays but it brings in a little extra money for us. Turns out I really enjoy it!! It's laid back and people friendly!
I just recently finished my Bachelor's degree in Business Management St Friends University. I plan to continue on and get my Masters in Business Administration with a center in change management. I'm looking forward to a new phase and nervous at the same time. It's absolutely a LOT of work!! I take my classes online and many times I procrastinate but I have a goal to strive for a "cum laude" status this time. Expect major party invites when I finish in a couple years!! I believe that's reason to celebrate!!
Back to Madyson, she finished 1st grade an A student. We had our struggles and tears through the year but we made it! She started reading chapter books here just recently and as a reader myself I am one proud mama!! She totally gets her smarts and good looks from her mama :) She started competition dancing this year. For anyone who is not so in tune to ththe dance world this means several days a week at dance, many late nights and exhausting days, trips out of town on weekends, some major expense, and utmost devotion to dance. It's A LOT!!!!!! But it's so worth it because Madyson absolutely loves it!! I'm glad that I am able to make it happen and those girls do so great!! All of them! It's a very good team and a dance studio I'm proud to be a part of! Next month we're traveling to Grapevine Texas for a dance convention. This will be the first time we've done anything remotely close to a vacation aside from going with my family to Branson a couple times. We're excited, expenses and all!! Oh... and we're officially doing it all again next year!!
On the weight loss front, I hit it hard again. And I'm feeling that physical change. I am doing the 21 day fix workouts and I'm 7 days in today. They say it takes 21 days to start a new habit and break old ones. I get up at 5 am because I know I'll talk  myself out of them in the evenings. I feel great!! And I'm back to losing and feeling the muscles working. I can feel the change in the fit of my clothes and in my overall feel. I haven't actually weighed myself yet I keep forgetting, but I'll get there. I really have learned not to care much about the scale but more about how I look and feel. I'm getting there!
We lead a pretty great life. Is it perfect? Nope... I'm a single mom working two jobs and going to school and supporting a dance habit and we spend more than I make but we're making it. I desperately want someone to share this life with - not just anyone. I haven't dated much and there is reason for that. I don't want to just date a bunch of random people. I don't want to do that to myself. I really haven't been looking for a man, just waiting. I know that there is someone to complete mine and Madysons life and I hope to meet him soon.
I'm grateful for what we do have because we are blessed beyond measure. I own my home (since 2008) and I just got a brand new car (2014 Escape).
The point of this story? Well, find gratefulness in the life you have and DONT let your circumstances hold you back. If I can do what we're doing with our lives then absolutely so can you!!