Back to Square One

The ugly truth is, I haven't done anything in any way to continue on my path to weight loss, and a healthier lifestyle. In fact, the opposite is quite true. I could make excuses all day long. Anyone who has followed me for any length of time and read my ramblings over the past couple years knows that I have been on that wild roller coaster. No excuses, it just is what it is - and well, that puts me back at square one. Not only have I not been losing any more weight, but I went off the deep end. I've pretty much gained everything I had lost back.

So what do you do about it? You get up, dust off your shoulders and start again. I have the will and the desire to be better. I have motivation to be better, so then where is my downfall? I have troubles saying no. I like food, I like pop, I like sweets, and I like to eat. That's all there is to it - BUT everything in moderation. I should be able to enjoy sweets here and there, but I also need to be more mindful of how often I am divulging. As I am back at square 1 (maybe -1), I have to make a game plan. I don't know what I need to do to make myself stay on track. Obviously people fall off the wago, but how can I keep from straying too far from the path? I think a lot of it is in my head, but the truth is, it is a REAL struggle. If you're reading this now, I am assuming you probably already know that.

So the game plan: better choices to start with. Maybe, I will simply cut back on portion sizes at times but I WILL make a difference. This is it. No more excuses. I am going to fall, I am going to make mistakes, and I will most likely continue on the roller coaster, but I WILL GET BETTER. That's all I can say and that is all I can do. I'm also going to get back into my workout routines. I have been working out intermittently, but nothing determined or focused. My plan at this point in time is to do the 21 Day Fix to start with. I think this program is a great way to get started. It builds strength and endurance. It tones and burns calories on a good level for me. When I finish that, I desperately want to try Insanity again. I will not take failure on Insanity, I will get back to it still. I am scared, believe me the thought of Insanity alone almost makes me break a sweat (too bad thinking about it doesn't solve the issue).

So, here is to beginning yet again, at square 1. Don't give up - EVER.

Speaking Out: There's a Moral to the Story

My writing is going to be a little different today. It's not about weight loss today. It is however about something that is very dear to my heart because I've lived it. I hope the right people read what I am speaking about today and still take some inspiration away from it. I'll try not to make it a book! :)

This is not something I openly speak about very often. Very few people know even most of the story. I hate talking about it! I don't like to talk about the hurts of my past, but I think there is something to be said. I'm going to be real honest and say maybe writing this blog today will close the book on my own healing process.

In high school, I didn't have a lot of boyfriends. I went to a private school and the boy selection was limited. I never got to date a lot and I was naive. So I met this guy, and I was "in love". I decided then he was who I wanted to marry. Well, then one day he breaks up with me. What!!!???? I totally thought he loved me. I mean I'm talking this is my first boyfriend and I'm not 12. A few months later he comes back to me and here begins the vicious cycle. I did date a couple of people while he was gone the first time (you know my brother had winning friends). This was just the begining. My family and friends had already lost their trust for him and constantly tried to "warn" me. We moved in together shortly after I graduated high school. I wouldn't say it was all bad. We had good times for awhile. Until he started drinking ALL the time, staying out all night, cheating on me, and whatever else he might have been doing. I kept my blinders on because I didn't want to lose him. Finally, I had enough (for the time being) so I moved in with a great friend. I worked with her at the time, she took me into her house and supported me. Her family became like my 2nd family. They even took me to San Antonio. When I got back from San Antonio, she was the one who made me take a pregnancy test. She was the one who stood there with me when I found out I was going to be a young mother. I probably owe her many many thanks for everything she did for me.
I moved out of her house and me and the boy got back together. After all, we were going to be parents so everything was perfect again... HA!! It was good for awhile again, and then he got a job in another town. During the week he started calling and saying he was going to stay with his boss. Turns out he was staying with the female co-worker. People told me they were hearing things about him being with a girl there and I denied it. This was after already spending several years together with this guy. I let the cycle continue and I played stupid to the facts in front of my face. Then my beautiful daughter was born January 31, 2007. The day after she was born he went back to his Ponca girlfriend and left me to fend for myself with a newborn. He never came home and when he did he was no help at all. I will give his mother and sister some major credit. They were a major help to me at the time. His sister would come stay the night to help me out. I can't tell you how many times his mom came over and cleaned while I took a nap. Eventually, I guess he got tired of the Ponca girl, promised me he would never talk to her again and well you know the cycle - everything was perfect again for awhile. Except it wasn't
He started sleeping with random girls just because he was out drinking all the time and that's what he wanted to do. This became my way of life. I sat home, knowing full well what was going on, and most of the time I was home alone. Then I broke. He was not helping me with any finances. I owed my landlord several months rent and I couldn't take it anymore. I moved back home to my parents. I got back on my feet and I found a nice little house to rent on my own. I was "free". Until he came back again, promising to change and I let him in. But let me tell you something, nothing ever changed. I spent somewhere around EIGHT years, playing this game letting him go back and forth. I was cheated on more times than I can probably count and constantly torn down to nothing. When he did come home he treated me badly. Not physically, I would have hit him back, but emotionally. I was called names, I was told I was a fat cow, the list is endless. So many times, I said I had enough but so many times I let him return. One day, litereally, it was like the switch flipped and I was suddenly strong enought to walk away. I made that break several years ago now, but some of the effects are hard to shake.
I know that because of this relationship I have a horribly low self-esteem, but I am working on that. Do you know how amazing it is to be told you're beautiful every day, and finally believe it's true? To feel actual caring from a significant other rather than constant worrying about what's really going on? I do... now. And let me tell you something ladies, it's 100% worth the wait to not settle.

So, why am I sharing all of this now? I'm sure you are sitting on the edge of your seating wondering that! Here's the thing, I have seen so many things lately point back to this kind of lifestyle and it breaks my heart. I wish I would have listened and done things much differently than I did. I don't regret the fact that I am where I am now because of these events. I could have saved myself a lot of hurting, and self loathing, and heartache. But I didn't - and I learned from that, and I hope that my little story here may reach out to some girl who is following the same story. This is only a very small portion of my story, but it should be enough to get the point across.

I can't tell you how many "good" relationship opportunities I passed up. On the same token, I'm really glad I passed up every single one because RIGHT NOW, at this point in my life - I am happier than I have EVER been. It's amazing, that's really all I can say about it.

A couple weeks ago, a co-worker was telling me about talking to this girl who was out of a bad relationship and then the girl ditched him to go back to it and he was like "Why?" "Why would she do that?" I said you know I don't have an answer, but I did that. Girls are.... well, girls. Some girls just want to have someone and so they will take the someone who claims to love them regardless of how they are treated. Recently, I saw another friend who dated a guy they broke up and now they're back together. She shared with me some of the reasons they're back together and then she told me she would rather be with him than be alone. She knows she is settling and that kills me! There is not happiness in a relationship like that. You may think you're happy because you're not alone, but the results will be long-lasting psychological issues. You do not recover easily from allowing yourself to live with that type of abuse. I have seen several similar situations lately and I just felt like it was calling out to me to speak up. Even the details I have shared with you here are the most minimal possible in order to get my point across.

DON'T SETTLE!!!! Do not trick yourself into believing that you are truly happy being treated like dirt. If you have a friend that you know is in this cycle, there is not much you can do. One must decide to break away from this kind of thing themselves. There is no amount of advising or lecturing that will get through to that person (at least not right away). A person has to come to terms with the reality of the situation. Is it easy? Well NO, but it's so much better than allowing yourself to be demeaned to nothing and convincing yourself it's ok to stay there because you don't want to be alone. Truth is, you're probably going to feel more alone by allowing this treatment to continue in your life. When it comes to kids in the picture, it affects them to. What kind of influence does these relationships have on your children? Is that what you want them to strive for?

I struggled to see it for many years, but there was a plan for me. I finally see some of the puzzle pieces of my life starting to come together and I'm going to say it again. I AM HAPPIER NOW THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN. I don't see any signs of that changing. I am working on bettering me, including stepping over my self confidence issues.

Failure is What You Make It

A little update on my challenge group that I offered - it didn't happen. I only had one person offer to be a part of it (I was never the popular kid) so she and I have kept in touch for accountability and we are kind of competing against each other. Or working together is how I like to see it.

There is a lot going on lately. I am going to school 2 nights a week, because some crazy part of me really wanted to get my Master's Degree. I only regret this decision when I have to get out of bed after staying up until midnight those two nights. For anyone who knows me, I go to bed at like 9:30, so midnight is pushing it. It's had a major impact on my workout mornings too. I have had to readjust my routines and am working on trying to figure out a plan. The past couple weeks, I simply have not made much of an effort. That's right - epic FAIL, but it's not a fail really. Even with my major screw ups and inability to stay committed, I am better than I used to be. I can generally see a difference in my portion sizes and even sometimes in my choices. Of course, when I fall off the wagon - I REALLY fall off the wagon. I will get there. It may not be today, or next week, but I will get there.

I struggle with not beating myself up about it, everytime I "fail". The thing is, failure is a horrible word and it's not accurate. There is no such thing as failure. When you fall down, you get back up again and you keep moving forward. That's all there is to it. There is no such thing as perfection either. Ask Shaun T and Jillian Michaels! They know what they're talking about..... just saying! I really don't know what I am talking about. I learn every day. I change constantly, but that's a part of growth and adaptation.

I had a conversation that really made me think. A couple of them actually. Conversation number one was with a friend who has 2 daughters. She said to me how can I expect my daughters to be ok with their bodies when mommy isn't happy with hers. She makes a good point. I don't think we will find happiness in skinniness to be quite honest, but happiness in knowing that we are striving to be the best we can be. If our children see that influence, it will boost not only their willpower to take care of themselves without being negative about their bodies, but it also may make a difference in their self confidence. I know that I try very hard not to speak negatively about my body in front of Madyson, but I am sure she has probably heard me make comments I shouldn't have. On the other hand, she sees me work out and sometimes she joins me. My other conversation had to do with self confidence. I have never had a lot of self confidence. Even in my "skinny" days, I was not self confident. It's always been one of my biggest downfalls. And it's something that is VERY hard to overcome. I've been working on that for years and I would say I am much improved, but I also have a long ways to go. You see, it's not easy feeling inferior in every little thing. My brother grew up tall and skinny. My sisters grew up tall and skinny and athletic, and then there is me - the middle child. The middle child always gets the short end of the stick! Do you know how many times I've heard "Geez, guess you got the bad genes in the family", or "Your sisters look just like you, only skinny", or the ex that called me fat all the time. Yes, sadly I hear stuff like that a lot. I had a self revelation in regards to this. For so long, I have let the difference in my body compared to skinny girls make a difference in ME, and that's not right. It's affected me negatively as a person when I should be striding in confidence, because while I may need to work on myself that doesn't mean I can't be beautiful to someone. That doesn't mean I should let go of all of my goals for myself, but I need to stop allowing myself to lack confidence because of it. The only thing that is going to do is hrut me more. So, I am making it my mission to not hold back simply because I lack self confidence. The only way to build self confidence is to force myself to get over it. It's time to knock down those walls. I'm going to be really honest and say I won't gain that self confidence that I should have overnight, but I'm done letting it hold me back.

Last time I wrote, I believe I said I was going to go back to doing Insanity. Well, then Beachbody had a sale on Shaun T's Rocking Body workout and I had to buy it of course. So, I am actually doing that one. Which is really quite fun. I feel like it's more of a calorie burner than a muscle worker so I've tried to do some additive stuff here and there for muscle work. I've been working my arms because I bought a new shirt I can't get on my arms and I am going to wear it!! I also have been doing some leg work. Haven't checked any results yet as I haven't been committedly working for very long yet, but I will get there.

I know I say it a lot, but I WILL GET THERE. I'm not giving up or giving in. I will continue to work towards a better me, and when I say a better me it includes so much more than weight loss. I am talking physically, emotionally, and mentally. The moral of the story is quit letting insecurities and unhappiness with where you are hold you back. You have to keep moving forward and you have to work through your discomfort in order to get to a place of comfort.

Here's The Skinny (Not)

Basically, I am getting nowhere. Granted, I could probably (strike that, definitely) improve on some things, but even with my current modifications I have accomplished nothing. To be frank, I am tired of not accomplishing anything here. I have been consistently working out, although I failed at the whole running thing. I've also been careful about my food to an extent. When I am eating something that isn't "healthy" I am careful about my portion sizes. Eating right tends to be expensive. Broke girl over here can't afford all the amazing products available to people. I do well to buy some fruit!! Beyond that, eating healthy also takes a lot of time, effort, and planning. Have you met me? Time is not something I have a lot of, and that's about to get worse with school, dance, and my own schooling no to mention two jobs. Here is the deal, these are all excuses. They are legitimate excuses, but I have got to find a way to make it work for ME, in light of my time and money situation. I can do this!! I want to do this, I just don't feel like I'm any good at doing this.
I've been blogging here about my "weight loss" journey for over a year and I really haven't made a lot of actual progress. Don't get me wrong, I have changed mentally in regards to fitness. I have gotten stronger and I have leaned down a tiny, itty bitty, little bit. It's time to kick myself in the rear and accomplish something FOR REAL. It's about to get real up in here. I won't be drinking pop during the week, although I am not gonna lie I will probably have myself a pop on the weekends. I won't be eating out during the week and if for some reason we need to eat out because of a time constraint or whatever, I will be making good choices. This is my accountability right here.

I want to say my sisters are still my rock in regards to all this. They constantly are backing me and asking me what I have done or telling me to do something. I need that! The things is, a lot of people get offended when someone says "hey, do some squats or jumping jacks or something". Truth is, I would probably get offended if it wasn't coming from my sisters. On a high note, when we started our squat challenge, they were crying after the first day. I was over here like I'm the squat queen! I don't even feel it. I've done so much slacking off and then jumping back on and then starting the cycle over again, I have only hurt myself. What kind of influence can I be if I am not holding myself accountable to all these things I keep saying.
Now let me confess, we didn't complete the squat challenge. We probably made it two weeks before we got distracted by life. That doesn't mean we haven't been active. When I quit insanity, my goal was to do things to strengthen myself and gain some endurance. Ya, I haven't gotten anywhere there either. Let me lay this out for you, in case I haven't made it clear. I AM GETTING NOWEHERE!! And I'm tired of it, and frustrated by it.
I was talking to someone about having a weight loss challenge between me and him. I'm going to do this, I just have to come up with some terms, which I haven't done becuase I'm a slacker. However, I would also like to propose a challenge to those of you reading this. Challenge will begin September 2nd (yes, the 2nd, because that's the date I want to start). I will come out with some more details on the 2nd as far as rules - that's right I'm not really prepared, but basically here is what's going to happen. Keep a written journal. I mean hand written. First day, I want weight and measurements. Before you panic, I am not going to make you share these, obviously at some point you will have to report them to me, but that's as far as it will go. I will not ask to read your journal, I will just want to see it as evidence. I'll be keeping one too. Challenge will last 30 days and there will be a point system based on activity, weight loss, and inches. I want to mix it up because I know that some have more weight to lose than others. I don't want to just focus on weight, because there is more to a fit lifestyle than weight. In fact, the scale is just a number. Please find some way to let me know if you plan on participating in this challenge. There will be some sort of prize at the end for the winner - and even if I win I will not win my own prize. Let's make it fun!
By the way, I am starting Insanity again Spetember 2nd with this challenge. I don't care that I don't feel ready, pushing through is the only way to change that.
I have the mindset, I just need the focus and follow through. My life is constantly at a run, and so many things are changing in it right now, but changing for the better and this is going to change for the better too. Something's gotta give and it's TIME. Actually, I'm running late, which is becoming a way of life for me. Time to go!
One more thing, this picture is exactly how I feel!

The Bad News, The Good News, & Everything in Between

Let me start with the bad news, and then the good news and then I will get to everything in between.

The bad news is - I am going to step away from Insanity for the time being. What???!!!! I know you must be thinking, why quit now? You won't get better if you quit. Ha, that Krysta talks a big game but she is quite weak. At least those were my own thoughts. Here is the good news: I am NOT quitting Insanity. Yes, I am stepping away from it, but I am going to go back to it and when I do I have every intention of finishing. Does this make me a quitter? Well, maybe so, but I like to think it means I'm taking my overall picture into perspective and working towards a goal. I still have every intention of completing Insanity.
So at this point, you might be wondering what my in-between is, let's talk about why I am breaking from Insanity. I happen to be 50+ pounds overweight, and I have never been physically fit - even in my skinnier days. As I was struggling through over and over I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere. I wasn't seeing any progress in my strengthening or endurance or improvements in the exercises. I was out of my league. I have already been told, well you can't ever get better if you let it go. I disagree. I'm letting go to get better and get better I WILL. My goal is to revisit Insanity 30 days from today and begin again, renewed and stronger. I hit a wall where all I felt was discouragement while I was doing the workouts and guess what - discouragement is not healthy. So, I made the ultimate choice that I needed to back down. Do I need to push myself? Absolutely!!! But what I don't need is to push myself so hard that I feel like an utter failure every time I turn on or begin a workout. See what I'm saying now?
Let me share this: I talked to my sisters about this a couple of days ago. In a world, where many time I feel very very alone, I have the most amazing sisters. I have very few close friends and many of my friends I don't hear from regularly. Not pointing any fingers here, it's just reality. When you live in different towns and everyone starts living their "adult" lives, it's hard to stay as connected. Does that make any of us any less friends? Well, no, ALL of my friends are still very dear to me, and I miss them every single day!! However, back to feeling alone. The reality is I often feel alone, but every time I get there I have my sisters RIGHT BY MY SIDE. They have never ever failed to back me up or support and encourage me - even the many time I have been underserving. So, I say something about breaking (I refuse to say quitting) from Insanity and they question me, and they say ok, game plan. We discuss options and they say include me (ok, this was not word for word obviously). I am going to get back into running. I reinstalled the C25K app to my phone. Don't ask me why because honestly I hate running, but it will strengthen me and help build up my endurance. Aside from running, we found some of those little 30 day challenges you see floating around everywhere. I say WE, because my sisters are doing it WITH me. They already started doing it with me. We went to the track to start Day 1 of the C25K program and they paced me. Ok, these girls are skinny and they used to be star basketball players, and they went at my pace for my benefit, because they were showing their support. So, when I had to slow down before my 60 seconds because I couldn't breathe, or when I skipped one of the 60 seconds because I had to recuperate longer, they did it with me. They ran slow with me, they supported me. And never once, did they make me feel inferior about it. One of my sisters found an ab challenge, and I found a squat challenge. Today is our Day 1 for those. They're holding me accountable, but they're doing it too. I've attached pictures of those for reference.

I constantly feel like an inferior being. I am weak, and I am not good at this weight loss and fitness stuff. Every time I look in the mirror I feel huge, and I'm exhausted from the struggle and from tearing myself down. So today, I read this quote: "Allow yourself to be a beginner, noone starts out being excellent". Yep, that was posted just for me, I am certain of it. And then one of my favorite bloggers to follow said (in paraphrase, because it was long): "I'm not the picture of perfect health and I don't have all the answers. I'm just a woman who was sick of feeling back about herself and decided to make a change. Everyone is beautiful and different in their own way. I started slowly one day at a time, and have learned that the road to success has no end and that comparison truly is the thief of joy. Just. Keep. Going!" Ya, I am positive she posted that for me as well.
I posted on Facebook asking people for their successes and suggestions. It didn't quite go over like I hoped, but I did get a lot of insight still. I got a lot of suggestions and things to work off of. I am most grateful for all of those!!
Here is my plan: follow the C25K program, do the and & squat challenges with sisters, continue my morning workouts at least 3 days a week. Watch my eating, believe it or not, this is my biggest struggle. I'm gonna say it again - I am exhausted from the struggle, but I'm going to keep on keeping on.

Insanity Update: Week 2 & Fit Test

Friday, I wrapped up week 2 of Insanity. This morning, I completed my 2nd Fit Test because I hit the two week mark. All last week, I continued to feel like maybe I was out of my league. I spent a lot of time feeling like there was no way I was ever going to be good at this, and a lot of time considering quitting some more. The moves are super challenging for me, ranging from burpees to push-up jacks. The thing is, I can barely do a push-up anyway, but push up and jacks all together? What the heck!The thing is, I can't quit. While I spend almost every workout discouraged with my abilities and upset at how little I can really do, I can't quit. I must complete this. Whether or not it will actually do me any good I have NO idea. Let me tell you what, I have been working by rear off these past 2 weeks and still haven't lost a pound. I am so mad!! I have even been trying to eat well, and that's aside from dripping sweat at 5 A.M. every single morning. I mean really what more do I have to do to actually accomplish something?
So this morning I did my second Fit Test, and I was worried that I wouldn't have any improvements. Much to my surprise, I did improve on almost every move. There were two moves that stayed the same - one of them was "suicide jumps" or what I like to call "burpees". Ya, those are a killer and I'm not getting any better at them. There is a lot of hardcore cardio in the Insanity videos and the Fit Test is no exception. Each exercise is all about speed and power. My improvements were small, but they were still there. I have no measured to see if I have lost any inches, and I don't think I am going to until at least half way through.
I will be taking next week off because we are taking a trip and I am not taking Insanity with me, mind you I plan on being somewhat mindful of my food intake; however it is vacation and I plan on treating it as so. When I return, I will pick up exactly where I left off on the following Monday - and probably crying the whole time! After that week, I will have completed one month of Insanity, and month 2 is supposed to be even harder as the workouts intensify. Someone please talk some sense into me now! How can they possibly get any more challenging than they already are??
On another note, I'm going to keep pushing forward, and some day I will be at least somewhat in shape, and hopefully with a better body to show for it!

Insanity, Week 1

I started "Insanity" on Monday. Day 1 of Insanity begins with what they call a fit test. They repeat the fit test every two weeks as a source to measure progress in the workout. The fit test consists of a handful of exercises and you do each one for a minute. The goal is to do as many of each one during that minute that you can. Each time you complete the Fit Test, you record your results and hopefully do more each time as you progress. So, when I did the Fit Test, I discovered I am NOT fit - at all. I was hoping that would be the easy part, but the truth is it wasn't. It was a full blown cardio workout.
With Insanity, each day you are assigned a different workout according to a 60-day calendar that comes with the workout set. Tuesday was Plyometric Cardio Circuit, Wednesday was Cardio Power & Resistance, Thursday was Cardio Recovery, and Friday was Pure Cardio. Each of the workouts that I have completed so far have been 30-45 minutes of pure sweat.
Let me tell you something, Insanity lives up to the name. Which I expected, but take that expectation time 10, and then take that thought times 10 again and you MIGHT be close to the intensity of these workouts. I have done 5 days of Insanity and it is literally the HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE!! Don't believe me? When Madyson was born, I spent an hour and a half on my hands and knees while enduring hard labor - this is harder than that, although less painful. I have been doing a lot of working out lately. I have done some pretty challenging workouts - or so I thought. The cardio is intense, the power moves are intense, it is so intense! Do you get my drift yet?
I am not good enough for this change in the game yet, and I almost quit. When I talked myself into sticking it out, I almost quit again. I cried every single day of the actual workouts, except for the cardio recovery. Tuesday, my calves were on fire! They still are if I'm being honest. At work, they were laughing at me because it obviously was hard for me to even walk. I was sitting at my desk hoping I wouldn't feel the need to get up that day. Of course, when you're drinking a keg of water that doesn't quite work out.
But I stuck it out, despite my tears and my negative thoughts that I can't do it, I just kept going. And that's what I will continue to do. Even this morning, I feel out of my league. I AM out of my league. I was so tired already before I even started the workout that I rested just as much as I worked this morning. And I feel like I can't do it. Even as I type about this point I would be saying don't do that, don't tell yourself you can't do it. I'm not perfect and the little voice in the back of my head says I'm not sure what you're trying to prove or even why you're still trying to prove it. On top of that, I wish so badly, I could just be cute and skinny without having to work so hard. I stepped on the scale this morning sure that I would see something for my efforts. I have eaten SO good this week, but guess what that scale hasn't budged. I've said myself the scale is just a number it does not define you, but I want to see something for my efforts! Even with my complaining, and my thoughts of failure and quitting, I will NOT quit. I mean I only have 55 days left, why quit now? I will finish, and I may not be very good - in fact, I am horrible, but I CAN finish and hopefully when all is said and done I will finish strong and proud.

Now let me say this, if I can do it - so can you. According to the BMI charts I am obese (do I feel obese? No, but I do feel overweight). The key is to stop making excuses. Believe me I have all the same excuses. I am a mother, with no husband or boyrfriend or whatever, and I work two jobs and we are ALWAYS busy with something but I make it happen. Have I always made it happen? Well, obviously not. I think more than anything I am doing Insanity to prove something to myself because in the end I am my toughest judge.

21 Day Fix

I just finished up doing the "21 day fix" - workouts only. I very much enjoyed the workouts. They were quick, challenging, and a good mixture. For those of you who have not yet heard of the 21 Day Fix, it is a program that comes with a different workout for each day of the week (i.e. Total Body Cardio, Pilates, Upper Fix, etc.). The program also comes with measured food containers that you are supposed to use for your meals. I'll be honest and say I didn't bother to use the containers that much. I feel like I understand the concept of portion sizes, I just don't very often use them as I should. I am trying (and struggling) to be better with that. I know that portion sizes make a bog difference in the long run. My problem is, my mind takes a long time to decide I can really stop eating. Anyways, I think I am getting off topic there.
I failed to take measurements and pictures before I started the program. I meant to, I just never did it and now it's been 21 days so I guess it's a little late for before pictures, huh? Here is what I notice to my judgemental eye. I feel a small amount of toning in my muscles, some strengthening in different areas. I have noticed a greater range of flexibility and movement for myself. I have noticed maybe a slight amount of slimming in my love handles on my back. It's hard to tell with all the cushion that I still have there. To be quite honest, I found myself a little discouraged and disappointed with my results. I mean I was supposed to be a new person in 21 days, right? So, as I was pouting about only subtle changes taking place, I then began to berate myself for not doing better. I was mad at myself because let's face it - I could have eaten better, I could have not skipped a couple days of workouts, I could have eaten better, and I totally could have eaten better! Eating is my most challenging thing in the weightloss front! I need to get a handle on this! So, as I was berating myself for not doing better, I then had to kick myself for tearing myself down. Ladies (and gents too), DON"T TEAR YOURSELVES DOWN! Listen to me, if you are trying, if you are putting forth an effort then pat yourself on the back! Are you going to be perfect? Well, no probably not, because I am prety darn close to perfect most days (obviously not) and I struggle here.
I almost found myself thinking I don't know why I am really trying, because it's not like I'll really ever be skinny. And maybe I won't. My body structure is not a supermodel body structure, and the truth is it never will be, but if I keep working and keep pushing myself to keep striving for more, I will at least get better than where I am.
One positive thing I can take away from the 21 Day Fix is I feel like I've actually established the habit of getting up and working out in the morning before work. I was hit and miss on this, but of the 21 days, I only missed 3 and they were all on weekends. I tagged that time on to the end as well. Overall, I am impressed with the 21 day fix program and am considering doing it again. The problem is I burn out easily on workouts when they get repetitive so I am going to move on and maybe come back to it in a couple of months. My next mission is Insanity. I'm going to admit right now, that I am scared to death that I am not good enough for Insanity, but I know I can do it! "If you're tired of starting over, stop giving up!" I am going to take it one day at a time and continue pushing myself.
This time I promise to take before pictures and measurements because I would like to keep track!
Here are a couple after pictures, just for fun! Don't laugh at my goofy tan lines either!

This is us

I felt compelled to write a little about mine and Madysons lives, an update and kinda what we're doing these days. Ok so maybe I found this to be a somewhat emotional morning as I sent my little baby girl to her last day of FIRST grade.. You know what this means right? Second grade... The kid is growing up and that's just not allowed! But at the same time I love it! She is such a precious gem in my life (well, usually haha) and she has become such an amazing young girl!! Ok, I'm done for the moment with my sappy talk!
These days we are constantly on the go! Sometimes I barely make it to bed by my 9:30 bedtime.. I mean seriously how do people function? Ohhh and I only have one child's events to keep up with - of course I have no husband or even her father figure by my side. I do however get an enormous amount of help from family. My mom has been gracious enough to become my built in babysitter. I don't tell her enough how grateful I am! She works in town every day 9-1 and then she has been driving the 12 miles BACK to town every day at 4 to get my daughter from school. THEN after she has gone out of her way and used her time she often has been the one to take Madyson to dance class as its generally while I'm still at work. All of this she does... for me... so I can work. See, pretty awesome!
These days I work at a bank in the trust & investments department. I have a series 7 license and I am a sales & administrative assistant. It's a great job and a great place to work!! I want to continue my career at this bank, but I also want to put my degree and professional abilities to use... translation I want to be more than an assistant someday! I'd absolutely love to break into HR or a managerial type role and maybe someday I'll get the opportunity! I work a 2nd job mostly just on Saturdays but it brings in a little extra money for us. Turns out I really enjoy it!! It's laid back and people friendly!
I just recently finished my Bachelor's degree in Business Management St Friends University. I plan to continue on and get my Masters in Business Administration with a center in change management. I'm looking forward to a new phase and nervous at the same time. It's absolutely a LOT of work!! I take my classes online and many times I procrastinate but I have a goal to strive for a "cum laude" status this time. Expect major party invites when I finish in a couple years!! I believe that's reason to celebrate!!
Back to Madyson, she finished 1st grade an A student. We had our struggles and tears through the year but we made it! She started reading chapter books here just recently and as a reader myself I am one proud mama!! She totally gets her smarts and good looks from her mama :) She started competition dancing this year. For anyone who is not so in tune to ththe dance world this means several days a week at dance, many late nights and exhausting days, trips out of town on weekends, some major expense, and utmost devotion to dance. It's A LOT!!!!!! But it's so worth it because Madyson absolutely loves it!! I'm glad that I am able to make it happen and those girls do so great!! All of them! It's a very good team and a dance studio I'm proud to be a part of! Next month we're traveling to Grapevine Texas for a dance convention. This will be the first time we've done anything remotely close to a vacation aside from going with my family to Branson a couple times. We're excited, expenses and all!! Oh... and we're officially doing it all again next year!!
On the weight loss front, I hit it hard again. And I'm feeling that physical change. I am doing the 21 day fix workouts and I'm 7 days in today. They say it takes 21 days to start a new habit and break old ones. I get up at 5 am because I know I'll talk  myself out of them in the evenings. I feel great!! And I'm back to losing and feeling the muscles working. I can feel the change in the fit of my clothes and in my overall feel. I haven't actually weighed myself yet I keep forgetting, but I'll get there. I really have learned not to care much about the scale but more about how I look and feel. I'm getting there!
We lead a pretty great life. Is it perfect? Nope... I'm a single mom working two jobs and going to school and supporting a dance habit and we spend more than I make but we're making it. I desperately want someone to share this life with - not just anyone. I haven't dated much and there is reason for that. I don't want to just date a bunch of random people. I don't want to do that to myself. I really haven't been looking for a man, just waiting. I know that there is someone to complete mine and Madysons life and I hope to meet him soon.
I'm grateful for what we do have because we are blessed beyond measure. I own my home (since 2008) and I just got a brand new car (2014 Escape).
The point of this story? Well, find gratefulness in the life you have and DONT let your circumstances hold you back. If I can do what we're doing with our lives then absolutely so can you!!

The Blahs

For the past several weeks I've had a ridiculous case of the blahs!! You know what I'm talking about... it's that feeling you shake and the only word you can find to describe it is.... say it with me... blah!!
This blah has hindered my life in so many ways!! I've been feeling the hindrance but I've been unsure how to get past my funk. Everywhere around me people are happy and their lives seem so grand! Yesterday another friend of mine got engaged and I'm over here the loneliest girl (In a relationship context). Don't get me wrong! Congratulations to her I AM absolutely very happy for her!! I won't put names here because I didn't ask permission to share her news. I'm just jealous!! She so deserves it though she is a great young lady and I wish her so much happiness!!
Then this week I've started experiencing small things that are pulling me back to reality. Over the weekend we saw Mom's Night Out - go see it!! That's all I've got to say about it. Sunday was Mother's Day, and I have a beautiful daughter. One of my great friends dedicated their baby on Mothers Day, what an awesome gift!! Monday I was really feeling the pressure in all these things: finances, weight loss, motherhood, career worries, etc. I know you can relate!
Tuesday I went to a Bible study. I've always enjoyed listening to my cousin speak - he speaks on my level every time! So, the emphasis in the study (at least for me) was that God is faithful to complete the work he has started in us! He also touched on prayer and suggested that when we worry about things or something weighs on our mind we should lift it in prayer every time it invades our brain space... EVERY TIME. Ok yes I knew that - but I put it to the test because it seemed like I should. I was amazed yesterday how many times things came into my head that really bothered me. I found myself saying a short prayer each time. I began to feel a little peace throughout the day, but yesterday was the worst of my blahs as well. Coincidence? I really think not. Then I started seeing pieces of inspiration for various things. I saw another person post on Facebook about their struggles and I felt for them. You see I could relate so I shared my own advice with her.
One thing that's weighed heavily on me lately is my slacking in the weight loss department. I haven't completely fallen off the Wagon - actually maybe I have I don't know. I've not even cared the slightest bit and I've made lots of excuses. I've stopped trying and I'm putting my foot down TODAY!! So I was even praying that one up yesterday and Facebook is a magical thing. I follow Mama Laughlins blog and she posted about this exact thing yesterday. I was like yes exactly!! Then I had a childhood friend post before and after pictures and it touched right to my soul. She looks amazing!! She should be so proud of what she has accomplished and these things inspired me! I will never be beautifully skinny like a model the truth is I'm not built that way, but I will get fit and I will be comfortable in my skin and this is me jumping back in (again).
My original purpose of this blog was to hold myself accountable and I've been lacking on that front, but we all struggle in our own ways.
Thank you to everyone who supports me and encourages me!! I cannot say enough how thankful I am to have such amazing people in our lives!! To those who help me through my blah days and sometimes share them with me - you know who you are!

Life... As we "know" it

It's been awhile since Ive been here quite frankly I haven't had much to say on the weight loss front. Am I still working at it? Why yes I am but I haven't had any new or inspiring words to share and my progress is slow to non existent at times. The last thing I want is to type something up and have you read it and be like I think she says that every time or her words don't seem on it this time. I have always had a thing for writing so this post is mostly not related to my weight loss trials but more to life in general and things that have been weighing my thoughts. I use this as a tool to write something on my mind and maybe find some release in doing so.
I've always kinda been the odd duck of my family. If there is trouble to be had I'm the one who finds it. I'm the middle child who knowing she isn't alone many times feels separated. Before I continue I want to reiterate I'm not saying anything here to point fingers or bring anyone down!! I absolutely have an awesome family and awesome friends they are all always by my side and have done SO many things for me!! It's just some written perspective!! I'm the 27 year old single mother who is broke, sassy, overweight, no man wants me, and I'm far from perfect. I feel my insecurities in everything I do. I strive to keep emotions and silly feelings at bay. In truth I've brought most of these things on myself. I dated a guy for nearly 7-8 years (off and on) leaving behind opportunities and refusing to listen to others words and warnings. I now cringe when I see other amazing young women walking that same path. I ended up having a child with him which made it that much harder... or did it? Having Madyson is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me. Knowing I need to be a role model in many ways to her has caused me to strive much harder than I ever would have without her. Many people who know me personally know a lot of our stories, but amazingly you never know it all. There tends to be so much under the surface that people never pick up on and recognize. These past few years have shown us many a struggle and many a triumph.
I talk about being broke (and we are) but at the same time we have so much. I own my home (Thanks to an awesome real estate agent I've owned it since 2008 - I was only 21). I've pursued higher education. I'm buried in student loans but I graduate for my Bachelor's degree May 10th and AM going on to my Masters. Which happens to be another subject - you'd be amazed how many people have tried to talk me out of continuing on. I have a brand new 2014 vehicle, my daughter goes to a private school AND she is in competitive dancing (ask me about THOSE costs sometime). I work 2 jobs to make it by and my finances are stretched to the limit but I know many families with dual incomes who are just as tight. In Madysons 7 years of life I've received less than one years worth of child support. I've been encouraged to pursue it and blah blah blah. But why? At this point we primarily live or lives free of the harassment I dealt with so long from "the father".
I don't even know what I'm saying now... words just keep flowing through to this page!!
The fact is I've always felt inferior. I have Two beautiful sisters who found amazing men. I can only hope that one day I find someone as awesome as my brother in laws. I can brag about them all day long. Anyways, my  are beautiful and skinny and smart and athletic and twins. They have so much going for them and I'm Stinking jealous of their lives (yes I'm admitting it - they know though). My older brother is married to a great gal and they have beautiful kids, he is money savvy and had lots going for him too, once again I'm so jealous!! Then there's me... 27 year old Krysta blessed beyond measure and yet still jealous because I desire more. I wish everyday I could be naturally skinny, good with money, and married to a good man. I have so much and yet still yearn for so much. Perception is a killer and we are our own worst critics.
I know that there is a plan for my life - I just wish I knew the details and the timing. I'm so afraid that this it for me. I have a beautiful daughter and I'd do anything for her but I desperately don't wanna do it "alone". My mind constantly points out my weaknesses to myself.
Don't be your own worst enemy. Work hard and be proud of what you accomplish, don't let your insecurities hold you back. There is a plan for each and every one of us. My whinings I've listed here are really nothing in comparison to the reality of some people's lives. I'm working on being thankful for what's in our lives rather than wishing for things outside of my control. We're getting there and we will just keep trucking along waiting for our purposes and futures to reveal themselves!
Thanks for taking the time to scroll through my babbling rants today. :)

Here I am Again

You know, my last post had a lot to do with self confidence and I have a confession. I've not been very self confident. Self esteem is one of my biggest struggles and it has been for a very long time. I don't have the answers to overcome it, but I do know that if you keep pushing forward it builds every time. So today I put on these skinny pants I keep chickening out of. I'm attaching pictures of my outfit and one more focused on the area that causes me grief.
I happen to be extremely self conscious mostly of my legs and thighs. I feel like they say here look at me!! I see things from skinny girls about needing to lose weight blah blah and they have no idea because they've never been in my shoes. Now don't get me wrong, I am not ragging on skinny girls. You are blessed beyond measure to not have the struggle for weight curse!! Anyways.. I digress..  So I was proud of myself for putting on these pants and actually leaving the house in them. Text my sisters saying I did it. I'll have you know my sisters are my #1 encouragers. They quickly responded with woohoo and you go comments. Then my confidence faltered and I shared that with them, and they tell me stop it you look good. One of them says be confident and I (smarty that I am( say what's confident? She was quick to send me this: having strong belief or full assurance; sure:confident of fulfillment.

2. sure of oneself; having no uncertainty about one's own abilities, correctness, successfulness, etc.; self-confident; bold: a confident speaker.

3. excessively bold; presumptuous.

Easier said than done? I know right, but I needed the push. You see we all need the push. Even "skinny" girls be be unconfident. Hold your head high and don't let anyone bring you down!! The harder you work that confidence the better off you will be. P.S. when I say self confidence I don't mean be arrogant!
An update on my weight loss journey: I fell of the wagon for awhile during the holidays but I've been working hard to get back on with my eating and working out. Its a struggle and I'm far from perfect, but my weight is where I last left it. 189 baby - and here is to beating 180!!

Outfit: pants are kiki LaRue, tops and boots are all Maurice's 

The Skin I'm In

You haven't seen me for awhile and that's OK. With the holidays everything was busy and I just took time away. Does this mean I've given up? Not at all!! 2014 has begun and its time to get back in line. I maintained for the most part during the holidays with a 1-2 pound fluctuation. 

I've been more confident and comfortable with my clothing... until today. You see I purchased a pair of skinnies from Kiki LA Rue. I keep thinking I can't wait to slip them on with a long shirt and boots and be oh so cute. I've put them on over and over looked in the mirror and taken them off just as many times. Today I told myself I was gonna go for it. I did go for it, I put those puppies on with a bright teach top and some boots I got for Christmas looked in the mirror checked with the sisters and left the house for work. That's when my confidence betrayed me. I walked into work and felt like everyone was staring at my thighs. I wasn't ready. I lost it - I literally had a breakdown and went home and changed. I didn't even have the cute boots on by the time I was done with myself. 

As soon as I got back from changing I was kicking myself. I should have stuck with it I should have been confident. Yes I've been losing weight but I'm still not skinny! I want so badly to feel cute and oh my gosh dare I say it... I wanna be sexy. I'm a single 26 year old and I have no confidence. 

Why am I writing this? Because it pushed me over the edge - I'm tired of being "the fat one", tired of not feeling good enough, tired of being this way, but are you ready? Here is the lesson: I AM this way, does it make me ugly or less worthy? NO!!! So if you're reading this and you're saying oh my gosh I totally feel that way... STOP IT!! Let that go. Can we be better? Absolutely but we can't change overnight. Change takes a lot of work and time and we must keep our heads up. Let us be confident in the skin we're in as we move forward. 

Happy 2014!!