I've always kinda been the odd duck of my family. If there is trouble to be had I'm the one who finds it. I'm the middle child who knowing she isn't alone many times feels separated. Before I continue I want to reiterate I'm not saying anything here to point fingers or bring anyone down!! I absolutely have an awesome family and awesome friends they are all always by my side and have done SO many things for me!! It's just some written perspective!! I'm the 27 year old single mother who is broke, sassy, overweight, no man wants me, and I'm far from perfect. I feel my insecurities in everything I do. I strive to keep emotions and silly feelings at bay. In truth I've brought most of these things on myself. I dated a guy for nearly 7-8 years (off and on) leaving behind opportunities and refusing to listen to others words and warnings. I now cringe when I see other amazing young women walking that same path. I ended up having a child with him which made it that much harder... or did it? Having Madyson is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me. Knowing I need to be a role model in many ways to her has caused me to strive much harder than I ever would have without her. Many people who know me personally know a lot of our stories, but amazingly you never know it all. There tends to be so much under the surface that people never pick up on and recognize. These past few years have shown us many a struggle and many a triumph.
I talk about being broke (and we are) but at the same time we have so much. I own my home (Thanks to an awesome real estate agent I've owned it since 2008 - I was only 21). I've pursued higher education. I'm buried in student loans but I graduate for my Bachelor's degree May 10th and AM going on to my Masters. Which happens to be another subject - you'd be amazed how many people have tried to talk me out of continuing on. I have a brand new 2014 vehicle, my daughter goes to a private school AND she is in competitive dancing (ask me about THOSE costs sometime). I work 2 jobs to make it by and my finances are stretched to the limit but I know many families with dual incomes who are just as tight. In Madysons 7 years of life I've received less than one years worth of child support. I've been encouraged to pursue it and blah blah blah. But why? At this point we primarily live or lives free of the harassment I dealt with so long from "the father".
I don't even know what I'm saying now... words just keep flowing through to this page!!
The fact is I've always felt inferior. I have Two beautiful sisters who found amazing men. I can only hope that one day I find someone as awesome as my brother in laws. I can brag about them all day long. Anyways, my are beautiful and skinny and smart and athletic and twins. They have so much going for them and I'm Stinking jealous of their lives (yes I'm admitting it - they know though). My older brother is married to a great gal and they have beautiful kids, he is money savvy and had lots going for him too, once again I'm so jealous!! Then there's me... 27 year old Krysta blessed beyond measure and yet still jealous because I desire more. I wish everyday I could be naturally skinny, good with money, and married to a good man. I have so much and yet still yearn for so much. Perception is a killer and we are our own worst critics.
I know that there is a plan for my life - I just wish I knew the details and the timing. I'm so afraid that this it for me. I have a beautiful daughter and I'd do anything for her but I desperately don't wanna do it "alone". My mind constantly points out my weaknesses to myself.
Don't be your own worst enemy. Work hard and be proud of what you accomplish, don't let your insecurities hold you back. There is a plan for each and every one of us. My whinings I've listed here are really nothing in comparison to the reality of some people's lives. I'm working on being thankful for what's in our lives rather than wishing for things outside of my control. We're getting there and we will just keep trucking along waiting for our purposes and futures to reveal themselves!
Thanks for taking the time to scroll through my babbling rants today. :)
