Speaking Out: There's a Moral to the Story

My writing is going to be a little different today. It's not about weight loss today. It is however about something that is very dear to my heart because I've lived it. I hope the right people read what I am speaking about today and still take some inspiration away from it. I'll try not to make it a book! :)

This is not something I openly speak about very often. Very few people know even most of the story. I hate talking about it! I don't like to talk about the hurts of my past, but I think there is something to be said. I'm going to be real honest and say maybe writing this blog today will close the book on my own healing process.

In high school, I didn't have a lot of boyfriends. I went to a private school and the boy selection was limited. I never got to date a lot and I was naive. So I met this guy, and I was "in love". I decided then he was who I wanted to marry. Well, then one day he breaks up with me. What!!!???? I totally thought he loved me. I mean I'm talking this is my first boyfriend and I'm not 12. A few months later he comes back to me and here begins the vicious cycle. I did date a couple of people while he was gone the first time (you know my brother had winning friends). This was just the begining. My family and friends had already lost their trust for him and constantly tried to "warn" me. We moved in together shortly after I graduated high school. I wouldn't say it was all bad. We had good times for awhile. Until he started drinking ALL the time, staying out all night, cheating on me, and whatever else he might have been doing. I kept my blinders on because I didn't want to lose him. Finally, I had enough (for the time being) so I moved in with a great friend. I worked with her at the time, she took me into her house and supported me. Her family became like my 2nd family. They even took me to San Antonio. When I got back from San Antonio, she was the one who made me take a pregnancy test. She was the one who stood there with me when I found out I was going to be a young mother. I probably owe her many many thanks for everything she did for me.
I moved out of her house and me and the boy got back together. After all, we were going to be parents so everything was perfect again... HA!! It was good for awhile again, and then he got a job in another town. During the week he started calling and saying he was going to stay with his boss. Turns out he was staying with the female co-worker. People told me they were hearing things about him being with a girl there and I denied it. This was after already spending several years together with this guy. I let the cycle continue and I played stupid to the facts in front of my face. Then my beautiful daughter was born January 31, 2007. The day after she was born he went back to his Ponca girlfriend and left me to fend for myself with a newborn. He never came home and when he did he was no help at all. I will give his mother and sister some major credit. They were a major help to me at the time. His sister would come stay the night to help me out. I can't tell you how many times his mom came over and cleaned while I took a nap. Eventually, I guess he got tired of the Ponca girl, promised me he would never talk to her again and well you know the cycle - everything was perfect again for awhile. Except it wasn't
He started sleeping with random girls just because he was out drinking all the time and that's what he wanted to do. This became my way of life. I sat home, knowing full well what was going on, and most of the time I was home alone. Then I broke. He was not helping me with any finances. I owed my landlord several months rent and I couldn't take it anymore. I moved back home to my parents. I got back on my feet and I found a nice little house to rent on my own. I was "free". Until he came back again, promising to change and I let him in. But let me tell you something, nothing ever changed. I spent somewhere around EIGHT years, playing this game letting him go back and forth. I was cheated on more times than I can probably count and constantly torn down to nothing. When he did come home he treated me badly. Not physically, I would have hit him back, but emotionally. I was called names, I was told I was a fat cow, the list is endless. So many times, I said I had enough but so many times I let him return. One day, litereally, it was like the switch flipped and I was suddenly strong enought to walk away. I made that break several years ago now, but some of the effects are hard to shake.
I know that because of this relationship I have a horribly low self-esteem, but I am working on that. Do you know how amazing it is to be told you're beautiful every day, and finally believe it's true? To feel actual caring from a significant other rather than constant worrying about what's really going on? I do... now. And let me tell you something ladies, it's 100% worth the wait to not settle.

So, why am I sharing all of this now? I'm sure you are sitting on the edge of your seating wondering that! Here's the thing, I have seen so many things lately point back to this kind of lifestyle and it breaks my heart. I wish I would have listened and done things much differently than I did. I don't regret the fact that I am where I am now because of these events. I could have saved myself a lot of hurting, and self loathing, and heartache. But I didn't - and I learned from that, and I hope that my little story here may reach out to some girl who is following the same story. This is only a very small portion of my story, but it should be enough to get the point across.

I can't tell you how many "good" relationship opportunities I passed up. On the same token, I'm really glad I passed up every single one because RIGHT NOW, at this point in my life - I am happier than I have EVER been. It's amazing, that's really all I can say about it.

A couple weeks ago, a co-worker was telling me about talking to this girl who was out of a bad relationship and then the girl ditched him to go back to it and he was like "Why?" "Why would she do that?" I said you know I don't have an answer, but I did that. Girls are.... well, girls. Some girls just want to have someone and so they will take the someone who claims to love them regardless of how they are treated. Recently, I saw another friend who dated a guy they broke up and now they're back together. She shared with me some of the reasons they're back together and then she told me she would rather be with him than be alone. She knows she is settling and that kills me! There is not happiness in a relationship like that. You may think you're happy because you're not alone, but the results will be long-lasting psychological issues. You do not recover easily from allowing yourself to live with that type of abuse. I have seen several similar situations lately and I just felt like it was calling out to me to speak up. Even the details I have shared with you here are the most minimal possible in order to get my point across.

DON'T SETTLE!!!! Do not trick yourself into believing that you are truly happy being treated like dirt. If you have a friend that you know is in this cycle, there is not much you can do. One must decide to break away from this kind of thing themselves. There is no amount of advising or lecturing that will get through to that person (at least not right away). A person has to come to terms with the reality of the situation. Is it easy? Well NO, but it's so much better than allowing yourself to be demeaned to nothing and convincing yourself it's ok to stay there because you don't want to be alone. Truth is, you're probably going to feel more alone by allowing this treatment to continue in your life. When it comes to kids in the picture, it affects them to. What kind of influence does these relationships have on your children? Is that what you want them to strive for?

I struggled to see it for many years, but there was a plan for me. I finally see some of the puzzle pieces of my life starting to come together and I'm going to say it again. I AM HAPPIER NOW THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN. I don't see any signs of that changing. I am working on bettering me, including stepping over my self confidence issues.

Failure is What You Make It

A little update on my challenge group that I offered - it didn't happen. I only had one person offer to be a part of it (I was never the popular kid) so she and I have kept in touch for accountability and we are kind of competing against each other. Or working together is how I like to see it.

There is a lot going on lately. I am going to school 2 nights a week, because some crazy part of me really wanted to get my Master's Degree. I only regret this decision when I have to get out of bed after staying up until midnight those two nights. For anyone who knows me, I go to bed at like 9:30, so midnight is pushing it. It's had a major impact on my workout mornings too. I have had to readjust my routines and am working on trying to figure out a plan. The past couple weeks, I simply have not made much of an effort. That's right - epic FAIL, but it's not a fail really. Even with my major screw ups and inability to stay committed, I am better than I used to be. I can generally see a difference in my portion sizes and even sometimes in my choices. Of course, when I fall off the wagon - I REALLY fall off the wagon. I will get there. It may not be today, or next week, but I will get there.

I struggle with not beating myself up about it, everytime I "fail". The thing is, failure is a horrible word and it's not accurate. There is no such thing as failure. When you fall down, you get back up again and you keep moving forward. That's all there is to it. There is no such thing as perfection either. Ask Shaun T and Jillian Michaels! They know what they're talking about..... just saying! I really don't know what I am talking about. I learn every day. I change constantly, but that's a part of growth and adaptation.

I had a conversation that really made me think. A couple of them actually. Conversation number one was with a friend who has 2 daughters. She said to me how can I expect my daughters to be ok with their bodies when mommy isn't happy with hers. She makes a good point. I don't think we will find happiness in skinniness to be quite honest, but happiness in knowing that we are striving to be the best we can be. If our children see that influence, it will boost not only their willpower to take care of themselves without being negative about their bodies, but it also may make a difference in their self confidence. I know that I try very hard not to speak negatively about my body in front of Madyson, but I am sure she has probably heard me make comments I shouldn't have. On the other hand, she sees me work out and sometimes she joins me. My other conversation had to do with self confidence. I have never had a lot of self confidence. Even in my "skinny" days, I was not self confident. It's always been one of my biggest downfalls. And it's something that is VERY hard to overcome. I've been working on that for years and I would say I am much improved, but I also have a long ways to go. You see, it's not easy feeling inferior in every little thing. My brother grew up tall and skinny. My sisters grew up tall and skinny and athletic, and then there is me - the middle child. The middle child always gets the short end of the stick! Do you know how many times I've heard "Geez, guess you got the bad genes in the family", or "Your sisters look just like you, only skinny", or the ex that called me fat all the time. Yes, sadly I hear stuff like that a lot. I had a self revelation in regards to this. For so long, I have let the difference in my body compared to skinny girls make a difference in ME, and that's not right. It's affected me negatively as a person when I should be striding in confidence, because while I may need to work on myself that doesn't mean I can't be beautiful to someone. That doesn't mean I should let go of all of my goals for myself, but I need to stop allowing myself to lack confidence because of it. The only thing that is going to do is hrut me more. So, I am making it my mission to not hold back simply because I lack self confidence. The only way to build self confidence is to force myself to get over it. It's time to knock down those walls. I'm going to be really honest and say I won't gain that self confidence that I should have overnight, but I'm done letting it hold me back.

Last time I wrote, I believe I said I was going to go back to doing Insanity. Well, then Beachbody had a sale on Shaun T's Rocking Body workout and I had to buy it of course. So, I am actually doing that one. Which is really quite fun. I feel like it's more of a calorie burner than a muscle worker so I've tried to do some additive stuff here and there for muscle work. I've been working my arms because I bought a new shirt I can't get on my arms and I am going to wear it!! I also have been doing some leg work. Haven't checked any results yet as I haven't been committedly working for very long yet, but I will get there.

I know I say it a lot, but I WILL GET THERE. I'm not giving up or giving in. I will continue to work towards a better me, and when I say a better me it includes so much more than weight loss. I am talking physically, emotionally, and mentally. The moral of the story is quit letting insecurities and unhappiness with where you are hold you back. You have to keep moving forward and you have to work through your discomfort in order to get to a place of comfort.