I looked at this picture , which is not just of me and thought oh gosh, I need to do something. So I started this blog. I was working hard and actively becoming better. I had a long ways to go, but I wasn't where I am now. I lost more than 20 pounds and felt great! I was trying to do Insanity. I don't know what happened. I used this picture at one time as a mile marker just a few months after I had started.
Like I said, I had a long ways to go, but I was getting there. And now I'm here...
I love this picture. The photographer did a great job, I love the guy the in the picture with me too, but I look at it and my brain says oh my gosh look how big I have gotten all over again. My arm looks huge to me. And I feel ashamed and embarrassed. Not only have I been actively gaining weight rather than losing, but I am now the biggest I have ever been. I doubled in gain what I lost previously and I am very out of shape. What did I do?
Weight loss and fitness in general have never come easily to me. You see, I don't lose weight easily or quickly. It is a very real struggle! And unless you have the same struggles as me, you won't truly understand the struggle, but I still appreciate every ounce of support I am offered!! I hate swimsuits and I haven't worn shorts in over a decade. I just want to be comfortable in the skin I am, I want to make my body a better home for me. IT IS HARD. Even as I say this, I really just want to cry because look at where I was and where I got to and look at where I am now. Really? How could I let that happen?
I've tried purchasing the expensive products - Xyngular, Advocare, Phentermine, Plexus, etc... but I have to believe that I should be able to make a better me without buying in to these products and supplements that if used faithfully and as recommended cost more than $100 a month. First of all, I don't have that kind of money. Second of all, there has to be another way. I'm not saying those products are bad products or anything. Some of them are great, but why should I have to use that stuff to be a better me? And I refuse to continue doing so.
This is it for me, the end of the line. I've had my official meltdown and I cannot take it anymore. I've posted about slacking and coming back multiple times. I've begged for support and forgiveness in my weaknesses, it's time to put it all behind and truly start new. I will NOT quit, I will NOT give in. I WILL improve and I WILL make myself proud.
I'm starting with small goals. We leave for Disneyland in a few days short of a month. I plan to lose 10 pounds by then. I have been up early to workout the past 3 mornings and I intend to stick to my routine. The twins and I have little challenge calendar that has squats, pushups, and crunches we are working through. You know through it all, they have always been my biggest encouragers. They work beside me and never make me feel inferior even though standing beside them, my initial reaction is to feel inferior. They are athletic skinny girls and I am not. I cannot compare myself to them, but their support means more than I could ever say.
I've had continual support and encouragement from many friends and I have failed TOOOOOOOO many times. It's time to do something about it. Thank you for continued support and encouragement. Above all, I am going to work on my emotional state of mind as well - confidence is key.
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