My writing is going to be a little different today. It's not about weight loss today. It is however about something that is very dear to my heart because I've lived it. I hope the right people read what I am speaking about today and still take some inspiration away from it. I'll try not to make it a book! :)
This is not something I openly speak about very often. Very few people know even most of the story. I hate talking about it! I don't like to talk about the hurts of my past, but I think there is something to be said. I'm going to be real honest and say maybe writing this blog today will close the book on my own healing process.
In high school, I didn't have a lot of boyfriends. I went to a private school and the boy selection was limited. I never got to date a lot and I was naive. So I met this guy, and I was "in love". I decided then he was who I wanted to marry. Well, then one day he breaks up with me. What!!!???? I totally thought he loved me. I mean I'm talking this is my first boyfriend and I'm not 12. A few months later he comes back to me and here begins the vicious cycle. I did date a couple of people while he was gone the first time (you know my brother had winning friends). This was just the begining. My family and friends had already lost their trust for him and constantly tried to "warn" me. We moved in together shortly after I graduated high school. I wouldn't say it was all bad. We had good times for awhile. Until he started drinking ALL the time, staying out all night, cheating on me, and whatever else he might have been doing. I kept my blinders on because I didn't want to lose him. Finally, I had enough (for the time being) so I moved in with a great friend. I worked with her at the time, she took me into her house and supported me. Her family became like my 2nd family. They even took me to San Antonio. When I got back from San Antonio, she was the one who made me take a pregnancy test. She was the one who stood there with me when I found out I was going to be a young mother. I probably owe her many many thanks for everything she did for me.
I moved out of her house and me and the boy got back together. After all, we were going to be parents so everything was perfect again... HA!! It was good for awhile again, and then he got a job in another town. During the week he started calling and saying he was going to stay with his boss. Turns out he was staying with the female co-worker. People told me they were hearing things about him being with a girl there and I denied it. This was after already spending several years together with this guy. I let the cycle continue and I played stupid to the facts in front of my face. Then my beautiful daughter was born January 31, 2007. The day after she was born he went back to his Ponca girlfriend and left me to fend for myself with a newborn. He never came home and when he did he was no help at all. I will give his mother and sister some major credit. They were a major help to me at the time. His sister would come stay the night to help me out. I can't tell you how many times his mom came over and cleaned while I took a nap. Eventually, I guess he got tired of the Ponca girl, promised me he would never talk to her again and well you know the cycle - everything was perfect again for awhile. Except it wasn't
He started sleeping with random girls just because he was out drinking all the time and that's what he wanted to do. This became my way of life. I sat home, knowing full well what was going on, and most of the time I was home alone. Then I broke. He was not helping me with any finances. I owed my landlord several months rent and I couldn't take it anymore. I moved back home to my parents. I got back on my feet and I found a nice little house to rent on my own. I was "free". Until he came back again, promising to change and I let him in. But let me tell you something, nothing ever changed. I spent somewhere around EIGHT years, playing this game letting him go back and forth. I was cheated on more times than I can probably count and constantly torn down to nothing. When he did come home he treated me badly. Not physically, I would have hit him back, but emotionally. I was called names, I was told I was a fat cow, the list is endless. So many times, I said I had enough but so many times I let him return. One day, litereally, it was like the switch flipped and I was suddenly strong enought to walk away. I made that break several years ago now, but some of the effects are hard to shake.
I know that because of this relationship I have a horribly low self-esteem, but I am working on that. Do you know how amazing it is to be told you're beautiful every day, and finally believe it's true? To feel actual caring from a significant other rather than constant worrying about what's really going on? I do... now. And let me tell you something ladies, it's 100% worth the wait to not settle.
So, why am I sharing all of this now? I'm sure you are sitting on the edge of your seating wondering that! Here's the thing, I have seen so many things lately point back to this kind of lifestyle and it breaks my heart. I wish I would have listened and done things much differently than I did. I don't regret the fact that I am where I am now because of these events. I could have saved myself a lot of hurting, and self loathing, and heartache. But I didn't - and I learned from that, and I hope that my little story here may reach out to some girl who is following the same story. This is only a very small portion of my story, but it should be enough to get the point across.
I can't tell you how many "good" relationship opportunities I passed up. On the same token, I'm really glad I passed up every single one because RIGHT NOW, at this point in my life - I am happier than I have EVER been. It's amazing, that's really all I can say about it.
A couple weeks ago, a co-worker was telling me about talking to this girl who was out of a bad relationship and then the girl ditched him to go back to it and he was like "Why?" "Why would she do that?" I said you know I don't have an answer, but I did that. Girls are.... well, girls. Some girls just want to have someone and so they will take the someone who claims to love them regardless of how they are treated. Recently, I saw another friend who dated a guy they broke up and now they're back together. She shared with me some of the reasons they're back together and then she told me she would rather be with him than be alone. She knows she is settling and that kills me! There is not happiness in a relationship like that. You may think you're happy because you're not alone, but the results will be long-lasting psychological issues. You do not recover easily from allowing yourself to live with that type of abuse. I have seen several similar situations lately and I just felt like it was calling out to me to speak up. Even the details I have shared with you here are the most minimal possible in order to get my point across.
DON'T SETTLE!!!! Do not trick yourself into believing that you are truly happy being treated like dirt. If you have a friend that you know is in this cycle, there is not much you can do. One must decide to break away from this kind of thing themselves. There is no amount of advising or lecturing that will get through to that person (at least not right away). A person has to come to terms with the reality of the situation. Is it easy? Well NO, but it's so much better than allowing yourself to be demeaned to nothing and convincing yourself it's ok to stay there because you don't want to be alone. Truth is, you're probably going to feel more alone by allowing this treatment to continue in your life. When it comes to kids in the picture, it affects them to. What kind of influence does these relationships have on your children? Is that what you want them to strive for?
I struggled to see it for many years, but there was a plan for me. I finally see some of the puzzle pieces of my life starting to come together and I'm going to say it again. I AM HAPPIER NOW THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN. I don't see any signs of that changing. I am working on bettering me, including stepping over my self confidence issues.
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