The Ugly Truth

Hey!! Remember Me!!??? Well, I mean - no offense taken if you forgot me (insert wink here).

It's been a little over 2 years since I've been here, which should tell you a lot about where I am. I could go on and on, I could make a lot of excuses but let me give you a short summary. For starters, I had some mental and health struggles that really impacted my weight loss. I've gone up and down and all around - story of my life!! End of story. Now, I weigh in much higher that I ever have, at a number I'm too embarassed to share just yet.

I'm tired... so tired. I'm tired of trying and failing. I am tired of trying and just not making progress, even with best efforts. I'm tired of comparing myself to others and wondering why I can't be like them. Most of all, I'm tired of allowing myself to be dragged down by all of this.

Recently, I've been working on my mental state to move me to a more positive place and prepare me as I start this journey again. I'm changing my approach this time. I'm changing my mind set - which is really where it's all at for me. My mom recently started a Bible study going through the book "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst. It's going to be a long process, but I am going to find my "want to" and with that I am going to find my success.

For now, I leave you with my plan and the promise that I will strive to be here checking in at least once a week. I hope you will join me. :)
Plan: 1. To begin working out again - at least 3 days a week for now.
         2. To hold myself accountable through this blog, through social media, and through my accountability partner.
         3. To work on my biggest struggle, which is proper portion sizes

I started by working out this morning with my all time favorite work out!!

Here's to a new journey, a clean slate, and making this happen for ME. 

Satisfaction

So - here I am and I had so much to say, but as I sit here I just don't know where to start. Bear with me, I hope I can connect my thoughts.
Lately, I've been in a funk. I mean.... a FUNK. I think many have probably noticed, few have reached out. It seems to me like the edges of depression, and I have been trying to stay away from the black hole. And yet, I feel like I'm in the black hole. BUT this post isn't about depression - because I am not going there! I just am NOT. That is not what I want for my life and I will come back renewed.
There has been so many little things going on - from work changes, to finances, to parenthood struggles, to weight and health struggles and beyond and I have let the combination of everything really pull me down and I need to stop.

I'm trying to not only dig myself out of my black hole, but better myself as I go - in many ways. So, my starting point is personal development, because mentally and emotionally I just need it. Really we all do. I keep seeing the phrase that if I am not working on personal development and I am struggling elsewhere, it ALL comes back to that! And I think I keep seeing that, because I need to be reminded that life is more and that developing myself emotionally, mentally, and spiritually will uphold me much better. I listened to a podcast by Priscilla Shirer and in it she speaks heavily of satisfaction - of finding contentment in our circumstances.

 

 

Let me tell you how much that really hits home with me. No matter how many times I have proclaimed "comparison is the thief of joy", I have continued to compare. I'm not as skinny as her, I don't lost weight as easily. My finances suck, why can't I get those in order and improve or win the lottery or something! My child is a hot mess, I love her SO much I cannot even describe it but attitude is rough sometimes! My job, I worked hard to finish my Master's Degree and yet why can't I fall into a big promotion or great placement of use like so and so did? They didn't even have to try... Things like this, you see they are not helping me. I know I am not alone, I know many people go through very similar struggles. This podcast is the reason I am writing right now, because her words really rang true to me. There's a reason I am in this season RIGHT NOW. Why am I in such a hurry to always be somewhere besides where I am? She challenged me to resolve to live with a spirit of contentment. Here is her proposed resolution word for word: "I do solemnly resolve to embrace my current season of life and I will maximize my time in it. I will resist the urge to hurry through or circumvent any portion of my journey. I WILL live with a spirit of contentment." WOW.

You see - I am quite blessed. I have my family all here- so many of them that love and support me despite all of my downfalls. I have a beautiful healthy daughter who struggles with much the same negative self image and doubt that I do. I have an amazing husband that takes out the trash and mows the yard and helps out. And you the know the best part - he loves me and Madyson for who we are. Every day he loves us, even through the rough days.

One of the best things that you can do for your life is to seek contentment in your circumstances. Yes we should continually be trying to better ourselves and even seeking more. I am not taking away from that. I did work hard to get my degree and I will not back down from challenging my career  path and that outlook holds on my other issues (weight loss, parenting, finances, etc). BUT I also need to learn satisfaction in the here and now, just because I am striving for more does not mean I can't find happiness in my circumstances and live a satisfying fulfilled life through the whole path. I don't have to reach the top and battle all of our challenges to be happy. I can be happy through the storms - and so can you.

 

Today, I resolve to find contentment and satisfaction in my life while striving to better myself and my circumstances along the way.

 

 



 

 

Let's Talk Rubies

I had both the pleasure and the honor of participating in a very unique project. The Ruby Project. This project was all about stomping out insecurities and judgment, about encouraging women to understand that our looks don't make us who we are. We look in the mirror and we criticize ourselves, we look at other women and many times mentally judge there as well. We are our own worst critics and we need to stop tearing each other down.
It's about support - I was astounded at the number of kind comments and likes and reactions I got by sharing this project on Facebook. It's also interesting to see who didn't bother to react. People that are after you to participate in their journeys, but they don't so much as like such a spectacular mission that you took part in (see there I go judging).

In truth, what is perfection? Perfection is not a size 3 or 5'8". Perfection is what we as a society has tried to make it and we are very wrong. You see we were created in God's image, and we were ALL created with a purpose. Each and every one of us and we should never doubt or question that purpose.
Am I saying we should all just let ourselves go and flounder away? No, but we need to stop condemning ourselves for the size of pants we wear and the number on the scale. And we need to uplift each other always.
This project was started by one person who saw a Facebook post and decided she needed to take a stand as well. She took off running and in the end we were all blessed by the project. And I am hoping along the way many others are blessed by it too. To quote Jessica Psalms 31:10 tells us that "her worth is far more precious than rubies" - hence The Ruby Project.

We started by holding signs of either things people had said to us or things we believed about ourselves that are demeaning or negative in some way. My picture below.

We then were pictured holding a sign with either a corresponding positive quote or verse that lifted us up from that dark place of negativity.

 

 

Even looking at my pictures here, I find myself judging myself!! I cannot believe that despite the purpose of this project I look at this picture and think oh my gosh... I just have gotten so big. Or wow, look how fat my knees are in those pants. You see what we are doing to ourselves? This world has completely torn us apart. My self confidence has always been LOW. ALWAYS. Despite what you might think of me, I am not outgoing, I am shy, I am nervous, and I am always self conscious.

I am working on me - in many ways, but in doing so I need to work on not tearing me down. ME as I am now is just as perfect as me 80 pounds lighter. Tearing myself down will not help, in fact it's a deep hole to dig out of. The purpose of this project is to bring an end to attitudes such as mine and bring out the positivity, uplifting, and encouragement.

What can YOU do to help?

The link to the full Ruby Project here: https://m.facebook.com/jessicajoybantaphotography/albums/769388886531933/

Take #4,682

I'm about to get very real here. In many ways, actually.
I was very focused before the wedding. I did a 24-day Advocare challenge and saw a few results, but nothing major and since that time I have somewhat fallen off the wagon.

When I started this blog, I was gung-ho and I lost quite a bit of weight. I was down to 180. And now.... let's just say I am nowhere near that, but at the moment I am not ready to share my number here. Let's just say I've been blissfully "fat and happy". I don't mean that in a demeaning way, please let's not take offense.

You see, I see friends posting about working out together. "Oh, my bestie came and worked out with me." "Oh my bestie and I went for a walk." etc and etc and etc. I don't have that. Don't get me wrong. I have my own set of cheerleaders and supporters, but maybe I seek the support of the people who are there, but not really there more, I guess my mind needs the acknowledgement. I don't know what it is. I am learning to be thankful and let people know that I appreciate their encouragement and support, even when behind the scenes I have selfishly been thinking - I wish this friend still showed support in my life. I should just be happy for that friend and where their lives have taken them. To be fair, there are friends and relatives who have offered to walk with me or go to the gym with me - my issue there is time and a 9-year old. Now let me say this - I AM NOT HERE TO DOG MY FRIENDS. I am not stating this to put any one of my friends or relationships down, I'm just making an observation. Please note, that I called myself selfish in regards to these thoughts on my part.
While I point out that I feel like I am missing out here, let me also point out the awesome supporters that actively make their support known to me. My sisters, who have done multiple workout calendars with me, who have ALWAYS had my back and lifted me up as a person. When I am uncomfortable about my weight or size they encourage me. Janet Davidson - a local Advocare advisor, regularly reaches out to me. You know she has never once said you really need to get your butt in gear. She always tells me I am beautiful and I am awesome and how much she wants to support me. And you know what, she isn't making money off of me at this point. Lindsay Hay - a beachbody coach, I constantly follow her posts and regularly participate in some of her groups, which by the way is what brings me here today. There are many people in my life who constantly encourage me with just life in general so I write this because I need to get over it. We all have our own lives!!

Back to Lindsay - I joined a challenge group that began Monday. It's called "Love Yourself Challenge". Those words speak volumes. It has been some time since I loved myself. I don't even like to look in the mirror - it disgusts me. Even with clothes on, I look in the mirror and think oh my gosh that is just terrible. And I need to stop - did you all see the size 14 model on the Sports Illustrated. People were shaming her and the magazine and it's just ridiculous. Yes, we need to try to be healthier people and live better lifestyles - not just for ourselves but for our families and those around us, but we need to stop demeaning ourselves over our bodies and who we are. I know better than anyone this is hard. I believe I just admitted that. I see my daughter struggling with some of the same things now. She has some of my bad habits and now I have to train myself and her to be better.

So why am I saying all this? What's my point? Well I have two:
1. We need to be supporting each other and lifting each other up. Be there for your friends and show your caring, support, encouragement. In ALL aspects of life, not just weight loss
2. I am back in action, reporting for duty. Working once again towards where I want to be - a healthier lifestyle and a smaller pant size.

Here's to continually moving forward, being thankful for those around you, and never giving up.

Where I'm AT

Me again!! Doing my occasional check-in since my recent recommitment to a healthier me!
This time I am actually excited about changing ME. The key is, this isn't a diet - it's a change. I'm not going to lie, there are times I fail at changing, or maybe it's just that I enjoy a splurge a little too much. I have been focusing on working through the 21 day fix workouts. This time without missing or skipping or anything. I made it through 21 days, taking only a couple of days off, then this past week I totally had a major off week (although I didn't just completely let go!) It was kinda like this though....

On the upside, with my changes and commitment, I have lost a total of 3 inches on my waist. I have not lost more than a pound or two, but I am happy with the inches! Now, let's see more!!! The small progress is keeping me feeling renewed right now. I want to see continued progress.

I have tried a couple of things that I was hoping for a small jumpstart from. I tried a program called Thrive. Not sure if you know what Thrive is, but basically you take a probiotic, drink a shake and wear a patch that offers an energy boost and appetite suppressant. I have a very good friend who is seeing some great results on the program. I liked the program ok, but my thing is I really don't want to rely on a continual program like this. I also didn't personally care for wearing the patch even though I could feel the differences. Just my personal preferences. I am however getting ready to start a 24-day challenge through AdvoCare. I have been approached numerous times before and I never opened my ears - or my eyes I guess. It all started with a sample of Spark and simply getting to meet a couple of the ladies that have been successful. Their spirit, their happiness, their passion is what has drawn me in. I feel like this is something that can work for ME. Everyone has something that can move them or push them. Let me also point out that this remains about a complete lifestyle change and NOT about a product!!
I'm also working through TurboFire calendar as part of my workouts. Getting up at about 4:50 AM to do them before work.
Here's to continuing forward with more progress in my plans!!

Gotta have an update!

I keep meaning to provide an update - and then I keep getting distracted!

Vacation came and went. I worked very hard in the days leading up to vacation but I saw little success. I did not lose a single stinking pound, despite my efforts! I'm not going to say I was perfect, because I wasn't, but I was certainly trying! And then of course there was vacation, I didn't "fall off the wagon" but I chose not to worry about my weight loss efforts while I was there. I mean seriously, we were taking a once in a lifetime trip! I didn't gain anything so that's a plus.

Now that I am back, I am jumping all in. I am making some drastic and much needed changes and I cannot wait to start feeling and looking better. I am down to only about 3 months until wedding time and I WILL NOT FAIL! I am going to start with primarily clean eating. Clean eating groceries cost money and many times we are strapped for time on cooking meals, but I have some great recipes to try. I'm also continuing my workouts - 21 Day Fix is the workout of choice right now. I may throw in some Turbo Fire here and there.

When I jumped back in here about a month ago, I did not retake my measurements. I just never got around to it. This morning when I popped out of bed for my early workout, I weighed and I took new measurements. I have official starting progress information to go by. With any luck - maybe I will lose the first 30 pounds by the wedding. However, I would also just be happy to lose 1 pants size by wedding time. Obviously my overall goal is far more than that, but short term goals are important too.
This isn't a long update, but it keeps me accountable and you in the loop. More to come!

I apologize for the language in this picture, but it fits the bill...

A little perspective - for me

So I started this whole blogging thing 6/5/13, when a picture from my dad's birthday embarrassed me.

I looked at this picture , which is not just of me and thought oh gosh, I need to do something. So I started this blog. I was working hard and actively becoming better. I had a long ways to go, but I wasn't where I am now. I lost more than 20 pounds and felt great! I was trying to do Insanity. I don't know what happened. I used this picture at one time as a mile marker just a few months after I had started.

Like I said, I had a long ways to go, but I was getting there. And now I'm here...

I love this picture. The photographer did a great job, I love the guy the in the picture with me too, but I look at it and my brain says oh my gosh look how big I have gotten all over again. My arm looks huge to me. And I feel ashamed and embarrassed. Not only have I been actively gaining weight rather than losing, but I am now the biggest I have ever been. I doubled in gain what I lost previously and I am very out of shape. What did I do?

Weight loss and fitness in general have never come easily to me. You see, I don't lose weight easily or quickly. It is a very real struggle! And unless you have the same struggles as me, you won't truly understand the struggle, but I still appreciate every ounce of support I am offered!! I hate swimsuits and I haven't worn shorts in over a decade. I just want to be comfortable in the skin I am, I want to make my body a better home for me. IT IS HARD. Even as I say this, I really just want to cry because look at where I was and where I got to and look at where I am now. Really? How could I let that happen?

I've tried purchasing the expensive products - Xyngular, Advocare, Phentermine, Plexus, etc... but I have to believe that I should be able to make a better me without buying in to these products and supplements that if used faithfully and as recommended cost more than $100 a month. First of all, I don't have that kind of money. Second of all, there has to be another way. I'm not saying those products are bad products or anything. Some of them are great, but why should I have to use that stuff to be a better me? And I refuse to continue doing so.

This is it for me, the end of the line. I've had my official meltdown and I cannot take it anymore. I've posted about slacking and coming back multiple times. I've begged for support and forgiveness in my weaknesses, it's time to put it all behind and truly start new. I will NOT quit, I will NOT give in. I WILL improve and I WILL make myself proud.

I'm starting with small goals. We leave for Disneyland in a few days short of a month. I plan to lose 10 pounds by then. I have been up early to workout the past 3 mornings and I intend to stick to my routine. The twins and I have little challenge calendar that has squats, pushups, and crunches we are working through. You know through it all, they have always been my biggest encouragers. They work beside me and never make me feel inferior even though standing beside them, my initial reaction is to feel inferior. They are athletic skinny girls and I am not. I cannot compare myself to them, but their support means more than I could ever say.

I've had continual support and encouragement from many friends and I have failed TOOOOOOOO many times. It's time to do something about it. Thank you for continued support and encouragement. Above all, I am going to work on my emotional state of mind as well - confidence is key.