Let's Talk Rubies

I had both the pleasure and the honor of participating in a very unique project. The Ruby Project. This project was all about stomping out insecurities and judgment, about encouraging women to understand that our looks don't make us who we are. We look in the mirror and we criticize ourselves, we look at other women and many times mentally judge there as well. We are our own worst critics and we need to stop tearing each other down.
It's about support - I was astounded at the number of kind comments and likes and reactions I got by sharing this project on Facebook. It's also interesting to see who didn't bother to react. People that are after you to participate in their journeys, but they don't so much as like such a spectacular mission that you took part in (see there I go judging).

In truth, what is perfection? Perfection is not a size 3 or 5'8". Perfection is what we as a society has tried to make it and we are very wrong. You see we were created in God's image, and we were ALL created with a purpose. Each and every one of us and we should never doubt or question that purpose.
Am I saying we should all just let ourselves go and flounder away? No, but we need to stop condemning ourselves for the size of pants we wear and the number on the scale. And we need to uplift each other always.
This project was started by one person who saw a Facebook post and decided she needed to take a stand as well. She took off running and in the end we were all blessed by the project. And I am hoping along the way many others are blessed by it too. To quote Jessica Psalms 31:10 tells us that "her worth is far more precious than rubies" - hence The Ruby Project.

We started by holding signs of either things people had said to us or things we believed about ourselves that are demeaning or negative in some way. My picture below.

We then were pictured holding a sign with either a corresponding positive quote or verse that lifted us up from that dark place of negativity.

 

 

Even looking at my pictures here, I find myself judging myself!! I cannot believe that despite the purpose of this project I look at this picture and think oh my gosh... I just have gotten so big. Or wow, look how fat my knees are in those pants. You see what we are doing to ourselves? This world has completely torn us apart. My self confidence has always been LOW. ALWAYS. Despite what you might think of me, I am not outgoing, I am shy, I am nervous, and I am always self conscious.

I am working on me - in many ways, but in doing so I need to work on not tearing me down. ME as I am now is just as perfect as me 80 pounds lighter. Tearing myself down will not help, in fact it's a deep hole to dig out of. The purpose of this project is to bring an end to attitudes such as mine and bring out the positivity, uplifting, and encouragement.

What can YOU do to help?

The link to the full Ruby Project here: https://m.facebook.com/jessicajoybantaphotography/albums/769388886531933/

Take #4,682

I'm about to get very real here. In many ways, actually.
I was very focused before the wedding. I did a 24-day Advocare challenge and saw a few results, but nothing major and since that time I have somewhat fallen off the wagon.

When I started this blog, I was gung-ho and I lost quite a bit of weight. I was down to 180. And now.... let's just say I am nowhere near that, but at the moment I am not ready to share my number here. Let's just say I've been blissfully "fat and happy". I don't mean that in a demeaning way, please let's not take offense.

You see, I see friends posting about working out together. "Oh, my bestie came and worked out with me." "Oh my bestie and I went for a walk." etc and etc and etc. I don't have that. Don't get me wrong. I have my own set of cheerleaders and supporters, but maybe I seek the support of the people who are there, but not really there more, I guess my mind needs the acknowledgement. I don't know what it is. I am learning to be thankful and let people know that I appreciate their encouragement and support, even when behind the scenes I have selfishly been thinking - I wish this friend still showed support in my life. I should just be happy for that friend and where their lives have taken them. To be fair, there are friends and relatives who have offered to walk with me or go to the gym with me - my issue there is time and a 9-year old. Now let me say this - I AM NOT HERE TO DOG MY FRIENDS. I am not stating this to put any one of my friends or relationships down, I'm just making an observation. Please note, that I called myself selfish in regards to these thoughts on my part.
While I point out that I feel like I am missing out here, let me also point out the awesome supporters that actively make their support known to me. My sisters, who have done multiple workout calendars with me, who have ALWAYS had my back and lifted me up as a person. When I am uncomfortable about my weight or size they encourage me. Janet Davidson - a local Advocare advisor, regularly reaches out to me. You know she has never once said you really need to get your butt in gear. She always tells me I am beautiful and I am awesome and how much she wants to support me. And you know what, she isn't making money off of me at this point. Lindsay Hay - a beachbody coach, I constantly follow her posts and regularly participate in some of her groups, which by the way is what brings me here today. There are many people in my life who constantly encourage me with just life in general so I write this because I need to get over it. We all have our own lives!!

Back to Lindsay - I joined a challenge group that began Monday. It's called "Love Yourself Challenge". Those words speak volumes. It has been some time since I loved myself. I don't even like to look in the mirror - it disgusts me. Even with clothes on, I look in the mirror and think oh my gosh that is just terrible. And I need to stop - did you all see the size 14 model on the Sports Illustrated. People were shaming her and the magazine and it's just ridiculous. Yes, we need to try to be healthier people and live better lifestyles - not just for ourselves but for our families and those around us, but we need to stop demeaning ourselves over our bodies and who we are. I know better than anyone this is hard. I believe I just admitted that. I see my daughter struggling with some of the same things now. She has some of my bad habits and now I have to train myself and her to be better.

So why am I saying all this? What's my point? Well I have two:
1. We need to be supporting each other and lifting each other up. Be there for your friends and show your caring, support, encouragement. In ALL aspects of life, not just weight loss
2. I am back in action, reporting for duty. Working once again towards where I want to be - a healthier lifestyle and a smaller pant size.

Here's to continually moving forward, being thankful for those around you, and never giving up.

Where I'm AT

Me again!! Doing my occasional check-in since my recent recommitment to a healthier me!
This time I am actually excited about changing ME. The key is, this isn't a diet - it's a change. I'm not going to lie, there are times I fail at changing, or maybe it's just that I enjoy a splurge a little too much. I have been focusing on working through the 21 day fix workouts. This time without missing or skipping or anything. I made it through 21 days, taking only a couple of days off, then this past week I totally had a major off week (although I didn't just completely let go!) It was kinda like this though....

On the upside, with my changes and commitment, I have lost a total of 3 inches on my waist. I have not lost more than a pound or two, but I am happy with the inches! Now, let's see more!!! The small progress is keeping me feeling renewed right now. I want to see continued progress.

I have tried a couple of things that I was hoping for a small jumpstart from. I tried a program called Thrive. Not sure if you know what Thrive is, but basically you take a probiotic, drink a shake and wear a patch that offers an energy boost and appetite suppressant. I have a very good friend who is seeing some great results on the program. I liked the program ok, but my thing is I really don't want to rely on a continual program like this. I also didn't personally care for wearing the patch even though I could feel the differences. Just my personal preferences. I am however getting ready to start a 24-day challenge through AdvoCare. I have been approached numerous times before and I never opened my ears - or my eyes I guess. It all started with a sample of Spark and simply getting to meet a couple of the ladies that have been successful. Their spirit, their happiness, their passion is what has drawn me in. I feel like this is something that can work for ME. Everyone has something that can move them or push them. Let me also point out that this remains about a complete lifestyle change and NOT about a product!!
I'm also working through TurboFire calendar as part of my workouts. Getting up at about 4:50 AM to do them before work.
Here's to continuing forward with more progress in my plans!!

Gotta have an update!

I keep meaning to provide an update - and then I keep getting distracted!

Vacation came and went. I worked very hard in the days leading up to vacation but I saw little success. I did not lose a single stinking pound, despite my efforts! I'm not going to say I was perfect, because I wasn't, but I was certainly trying! And then of course there was vacation, I didn't "fall off the wagon" but I chose not to worry about my weight loss efforts while I was there. I mean seriously, we were taking a once in a lifetime trip! I didn't gain anything so that's a plus.

Now that I am back, I am jumping all in. I am making some drastic and much needed changes and I cannot wait to start feeling and looking better. I am down to only about 3 months until wedding time and I WILL NOT FAIL! I am going to start with primarily clean eating. Clean eating groceries cost money and many times we are strapped for time on cooking meals, but I have some great recipes to try. I'm also continuing my workouts - 21 Day Fix is the workout of choice right now. I may throw in some Turbo Fire here and there.

When I jumped back in here about a month ago, I did not retake my measurements. I just never got around to it. This morning when I popped out of bed for my early workout, I weighed and I took new measurements. I have official starting progress information to go by. With any luck - maybe I will lose the first 30 pounds by the wedding. However, I would also just be happy to lose 1 pants size by wedding time. Obviously my overall goal is far more than that, but short term goals are important too.
This isn't a long update, but it keeps me accountable and you in the loop. More to come!

I apologize for the language in this picture, but it fits the bill...

A little perspective - for me

So I started this whole blogging thing 6/5/13, when a picture from my dad's birthday embarrassed me.

I looked at this picture , which is not just of me and thought oh gosh, I need to do something. So I started this blog. I was working hard and actively becoming better. I had a long ways to go, but I wasn't where I am now. I lost more than 20 pounds and felt great! I was trying to do Insanity. I don't know what happened. I used this picture at one time as a mile marker just a few months after I had started.

Like I said, I had a long ways to go, but I was getting there. And now I'm here...

I love this picture. The photographer did a great job, I love the guy the in the picture with me too, but I look at it and my brain says oh my gosh look how big I have gotten all over again. My arm looks huge to me. And I feel ashamed and embarrassed. Not only have I been actively gaining weight rather than losing, but I am now the biggest I have ever been. I doubled in gain what I lost previously and I am very out of shape. What did I do?

Weight loss and fitness in general have never come easily to me. You see, I don't lose weight easily or quickly. It is a very real struggle! And unless you have the same struggles as me, you won't truly understand the struggle, but I still appreciate every ounce of support I am offered!! I hate swimsuits and I haven't worn shorts in over a decade. I just want to be comfortable in the skin I am, I want to make my body a better home for me. IT IS HARD. Even as I say this, I really just want to cry because look at where I was and where I got to and look at where I am now. Really? How could I let that happen?

I've tried purchasing the expensive products - Xyngular, Advocare, Phentermine, Plexus, etc... but I have to believe that I should be able to make a better me without buying in to these products and supplements that if used faithfully and as recommended cost more than $100 a month. First of all, I don't have that kind of money. Second of all, there has to be another way. I'm not saying those products are bad products or anything. Some of them are great, but why should I have to use that stuff to be a better me? And I refuse to continue doing so.

This is it for me, the end of the line. I've had my official meltdown and I cannot take it anymore. I've posted about slacking and coming back multiple times. I've begged for support and forgiveness in my weaknesses, it's time to put it all behind and truly start new. I will NOT quit, I will NOT give in. I WILL improve and I WILL make myself proud.

I'm starting with small goals. We leave for Disneyland in a few days short of a month. I plan to lose 10 pounds by then. I have been up early to workout the past 3 mornings and I intend to stick to my routine. The twins and I have little challenge calendar that has squats, pushups, and crunches we are working through. You know through it all, they have always been my biggest encouragers. They work beside me and never make me feel inferior even though standing beside them, my initial reaction is to feel inferior. They are athletic skinny girls and I am not. I cannot compare myself to them, but their support means more than I could ever say.

I've had continual support and encouragement from many friends and I have failed TOOOOOOOO many times. It's time to do something about it. Thank you for continued support and encouragement. Above all, I am going to work on my emotional state of mind as well - confidence is key.

Let's Talk about Madyson

I'm trying to get back into the spirit of my blogging. I am working on making a healthier me, but I want to focus on life in general in my blog as well. Today - let's talk about Madyson.

 Do you know Madyson? Before you answer that, how well do you know Madyson? Do you just know her name or know her in passing? Do you know how she acts, why she acts, or the things that define her?
Madyson was definitely not in my original plans the day I found out I was going to be a mom. I had just come back from a weekend trip with a great friend and her parents to San Antonio. And that friend (cough cough, Jayme) made me take a pregnancy test. My life was forever changed from that moment on. I never know the struggles we would share, the experiences we would hold and the wonders my life would now hold. The tears, the joy, the laughter it all has made us who we are. Now that little girl that came into my life is 8 years old and today she started the 3rd grade.

Madyson has always been extremely independent and she has a mind of her own. She is the most stubborn, outspoken, sassy little girl I think I have ever met. We have our own term for that - Madytude..... On the flip side, she has the most tender heart and tends to be very emotional very easily. The sass and attitude I think are her barriers against that many times. I know there have been numerous times she has felt like she doesn't have a place. She has come home from school, dance, etc. crying because she felt like she wasn't a part of things in the way she wanted to be. Also, children can be SO mean. I cannot tell you the number of times she has been called fat, chunky, etc by little girls (and adults at times). People have no thought as to how the words they say can affect someone such as Madyson. she internalizes these feelings and a year later might still be bothered by those hurtful words. Don't get me wrong, the child is not perfect herself. She says things many times without thinking first and am sure she has dealt out her own share of hurt feelings to others.

When Madyson was 2, she started saying things like "this is ridiculous". How many 2 year olds do you know that can articulate a word like that?!?!?
Madyson has grown up without a father figure in her life. We've been very blessed that I have my dad. Madyson has him wrapped around every single one of her fingers. We also have my brother-in-laws, Nick and Daric, who have taken Madyson under their wings. We have Holland who has become one of Madyson's favorite people in the world. And then there is Garrett who connected with Madyson on a special level. He took her to do all the things a father should have been around for - ice cream dates and trick or treating are their specialties. And now, we have Russ who has come into our lives and filled that void for both of us. He spoils Madyson just as bad as grandpa and they're constantly out causing trouble together if I leave them unattended, but the thing is Madyson adores Russ, despite the attitude she might throw him from time to time. Many people have asked me how Madyson feels about Russ and I getting married. She may tell you one thing, but she is very excited! Aside from all of these male figures, I have had a strong and steady support system. My mother does SO much for me! I have my sisters who help as much as they possibly can, and I have my loyal friends that have always been by my side and some new friends I have made along the way.

Many people have never seen the tender side of Madyson, but if you think about our lives, surely you can understand why she would have that wall up 90% of the time. She has to act tough, she can't let you see that weakness because people prey on weakness and from the time she was a child she seems to have understood that. Not to mention the feelings of rejection I am sure she deals with internally because of .... well.... "other things" I guess is how I will leave that statement.

Madyson dances - and if you watch her dance you know that is one of the most freeing things for her. Many people have talked about "I wouldn't let my daughter dance", "I wouldn't pay for that", and so on, but unless you have a child that you see the passion in them, there is simply no way for you to understand. Maybe the passion in your child's life is swimming or drawing, or baseball or any other little thing - Madyon's passions are horse riding and dancing. And I can see that at ALL times. Last year, we took a break from competition dancing, which I think was beneficial to Madyson. I think it helped her come to terms with changes that needed made and to understand what she was missing and whether or not she wanted to continue to pursue that. She is going back to competition this year and while she might complain here and there about having to go to dance class (because she has to you know listen and pay attention) she is also talking about how many dances she might get to be in and asking tons of questions about competitions, etc.

Because of the little things I see with Madyson, I want to broach a tough subject. We as people - especially parents and adults need to do everything we can to raise our children as leaders. As kind people who rather than telling a child they are fat or making them feel unwanted, they reach out and befriend them or simply offer support and encouragement. I see it with young girls her age, the snobby snotty attitude that makes other kids feel like they're just not special enough. I see it with teenagers who should be encouraging and welcoming, I see it with young adults who pick favorite children and without even realizing it, shun the others. I see it in adults who should long have known better. Madyson and I have never had a lot of money, but that doesn't make us any less of people than those that do. We work hard. I work TWO jobs, go to school, and still take care of my daughter - and I took care of her alone AND put her through dance on only my finances for the past 8 years of her life. Anyways, I will get off my rant, because I did not mean to make a rant out of that haha, I was just putting out observances and it's definitely not pointed at specific people, just things I have noticed. Please don't be offended or take my words the wrong way, just consider them and do what you can to raise and mentor your kids or maybe reflect on yourself to supply positivity into other people's lives. A little dose of positivity, acceptance, and encouragement can go a LONG way.

In a month, we get to go to Disneyland for the trip of a lifetime. I have always wanted to go and my family was just never able to. This is honestly probably a once in a lifetime type of trip for us, but we are all so excited! My family will be going (except my brother and his family). Many of them will be flying for the first time - and we plan to have a grand time!!

Our lives are far from perfect, but the fact is, it is our lives and we do the best we can. We finally have our third person to help fulfill our lives and the person that we so gladly get to continue moving forward with. We are so glad that Russell came into our lives and has become a part of our family in the manner he has. Here is to new beginnings and moving forward and simply enjoying the lives we have! We have some exciting things coming in our future and I cannot wait to continue this life with Russell and Madyson by my side! <3

It's About That Time

I haven't been here for awhile again. I've had a lot of struggle to stay on track and very little success. It's a very defeating feeling to feel as though maybe you will never get there, but you can't let that defeat win. I will get there! I will continue trying, despite my downfalls. And my dear sister reminded me the other day to not tear myself down. You see, I am surrounded constantly by people who are much skinner than me, but that does not make me any less of a person. Those words are important.
We need to stop tearing ourselves down, and remember who we truly are!

I struggle with this, I know I do, but that's why I am here talking to you!!

Did you hear? I am getting married at the end of this year!!! Hey that rhymed! I already chose a wedding dress and it fits me as I am now. I am hoping to lose some weight prior to our wedding day, which is only 143 days away. Here is the thing, it is VERY hard for me to lose weight. It's just the way I am, but I will continue to try! He obviously loves me the way I am - it's just what I want to do!

So, my current plan - cut back! A lot of my problem is I like food. I feel as though I should be able to enjoy food, but I have a hard time stopping myself. So my first goal is to cut back portions. I will also be trying to choose more wisely as well as drink less pop. Don't get me wrong - I am not giving up pop. A person should be able to enjoy their devices, buttttttt everything in moderation. We will see where that goes!