A little perspective - for me

So I started this whole blogging thing 6/5/13, when a picture from my dad's birthday embarrassed me.

I looked at this picture , which is not just of me and thought oh gosh, I need to do something. So I started this blog. I was working hard and actively becoming better. I had a long ways to go, but I wasn't where I am now. I lost more than 20 pounds and felt great! I was trying to do Insanity. I don't know what happened. I used this picture at one time as a mile marker just a few months after I had started.

Like I said, I had a long ways to go, but I was getting there. And now I'm here...

I love this picture. The photographer did a great job, I love the guy the in the picture with me too, but I look at it and my brain says oh my gosh look how big I have gotten all over again. My arm looks huge to me. And I feel ashamed and embarrassed. Not only have I been actively gaining weight rather than losing, but I am now the biggest I have ever been. I doubled in gain what I lost previously and I am very out of shape. What did I do?

Weight loss and fitness in general have never come easily to me. You see, I don't lose weight easily or quickly. It is a very real struggle! And unless you have the same struggles as me, you won't truly understand the struggle, but I still appreciate every ounce of support I am offered!! I hate swimsuits and I haven't worn shorts in over a decade. I just want to be comfortable in the skin I am, I want to make my body a better home for me. IT IS HARD. Even as I say this, I really just want to cry because look at where I was and where I got to and look at where I am now. Really? How could I let that happen?

I've tried purchasing the expensive products - Xyngular, Advocare, Phentermine, Plexus, etc... but I have to believe that I should be able to make a better me without buying in to these products and supplements that if used faithfully and as recommended cost more than $100 a month. First of all, I don't have that kind of money. Second of all, there has to be another way. I'm not saying those products are bad products or anything. Some of them are great, but why should I have to use that stuff to be a better me? And I refuse to continue doing so.

This is it for me, the end of the line. I've had my official meltdown and I cannot take it anymore. I've posted about slacking and coming back multiple times. I've begged for support and forgiveness in my weaknesses, it's time to put it all behind and truly start new. I will NOT quit, I will NOT give in. I WILL improve and I WILL make myself proud.

I'm starting with small goals. We leave for Disneyland in a few days short of a month. I plan to lose 10 pounds by then. I have been up early to workout the past 3 mornings and I intend to stick to my routine. The twins and I have little challenge calendar that has squats, pushups, and crunches we are working through. You know through it all, they have always been my biggest encouragers. They work beside me and never make me feel inferior even though standing beside them, my initial reaction is to feel inferior. They are athletic skinny girls and I am not. I cannot compare myself to them, but their support means more than I could ever say.

I've had continual support and encouragement from many friends and I have failed TOOOOOOOO many times. It's time to do something about it. Thank you for continued support and encouragement. Above all, I am going to work on my emotional state of mind as well - confidence is key.

Let's Talk about Madyson

I'm trying to get back into the spirit of my blogging. I am working on making a healthier me, but I want to focus on life in general in my blog as well. Today - let's talk about Madyson.

 Do you know Madyson? Before you answer that, how well do you know Madyson? Do you just know her name or know her in passing? Do you know how she acts, why she acts, or the things that define her?
Madyson was definitely not in my original plans the day I found out I was going to be a mom. I had just come back from a weekend trip with a great friend and her parents to San Antonio. And that friend (cough cough, Jayme) made me take a pregnancy test. My life was forever changed from that moment on. I never know the struggles we would share, the experiences we would hold and the wonders my life would now hold. The tears, the joy, the laughter it all has made us who we are. Now that little girl that came into my life is 8 years old and today she started the 3rd grade.

Madyson has always been extremely independent and she has a mind of her own. She is the most stubborn, outspoken, sassy little girl I think I have ever met. We have our own term for that - Madytude..... On the flip side, she has the most tender heart and tends to be very emotional very easily. The sass and attitude I think are her barriers against that many times. I know there have been numerous times she has felt like she doesn't have a place. She has come home from school, dance, etc. crying because she felt like she wasn't a part of things in the way she wanted to be. Also, children can be SO mean. I cannot tell you the number of times she has been called fat, chunky, etc by little girls (and adults at times). People have no thought as to how the words they say can affect someone such as Madyson. she internalizes these feelings and a year later might still be bothered by those hurtful words. Don't get me wrong, the child is not perfect herself. She says things many times without thinking first and am sure she has dealt out her own share of hurt feelings to others.

When Madyson was 2, she started saying things like "this is ridiculous". How many 2 year olds do you know that can articulate a word like that?!?!?
Madyson has grown up without a father figure in her life. We've been very blessed that I have my dad. Madyson has him wrapped around every single one of her fingers. We also have my brother-in-laws, Nick and Daric, who have taken Madyson under their wings. We have Holland who has become one of Madyson's favorite people in the world. And then there is Garrett who connected with Madyson on a special level. He took her to do all the things a father should have been around for - ice cream dates and trick or treating are their specialties. And now, we have Russ who has come into our lives and filled that void for both of us. He spoils Madyson just as bad as grandpa and they're constantly out causing trouble together if I leave them unattended, but the thing is Madyson adores Russ, despite the attitude she might throw him from time to time. Many people have asked me how Madyson feels about Russ and I getting married. She may tell you one thing, but she is very excited! Aside from all of these male figures, I have had a strong and steady support system. My mother does SO much for me! I have my sisters who help as much as they possibly can, and I have my loyal friends that have always been by my side and some new friends I have made along the way.

Many people have never seen the tender side of Madyson, but if you think about our lives, surely you can understand why she would have that wall up 90% of the time. She has to act tough, she can't let you see that weakness because people prey on weakness and from the time she was a child she seems to have understood that. Not to mention the feelings of rejection I am sure she deals with internally because of .... well.... "other things" I guess is how I will leave that statement.

Madyson dances - and if you watch her dance you know that is one of the most freeing things for her. Many people have talked about "I wouldn't let my daughter dance", "I wouldn't pay for that", and so on, but unless you have a child that you see the passion in them, there is simply no way for you to understand. Maybe the passion in your child's life is swimming or drawing, or baseball or any other little thing - Madyon's passions are horse riding and dancing. And I can see that at ALL times. Last year, we took a break from competition dancing, which I think was beneficial to Madyson. I think it helped her come to terms with changes that needed made and to understand what she was missing and whether or not she wanted to continue to pursue that. She is going back to competition this year and while she might complain here and there about having to go to dance class (because she has to you know listen and pay attention) she is also talking about how many dances she might get to be in and asking tons of questions about competitions, etc.

Because of the little things I see with Madyson, I want to broach a tough subject. We as people - especially parents and adults need to do everything we can to raise our children as leaders. As kind people who rather than telling a child they are fat or making them feel unwanted, they reach out and befriend them or simply offer support and encouragement. I see it with young girls her age, the snobby snotty attitude that makes other kids feel like they're just not special enough. I see it with teenagers who should be encouraging and welcoming, I see it with young adults who pick favorite children and without even realizing it, shun the others. I see it in adults who should long have known better. Madyson and I have never had a lot of money, but that doesn't make us any less of people than those that do. We work hard. I work TWO jobs, go to school, and still take care of my daughter - and I took care of her alone AND put her through dance on only my finances for the past 8 years of her life. Anyways, I will get off my rant, because I did not mean to make a rant out of that haha, I was just putting out observances and it's definitely not pointed at specific people, just things I have noticed. Please don't be offended or take my words the wrong way, just consider them and do what you can to raise and mentor your kids or maybe reflect on yourself to supply positivity into other people's lives. A little dose of positivity, acceptance, and encouragement can go a LONG way.

In a month, we get to go to Disneyland for the trip of a lifetime. I have always wanted to go and my family was just never able to. This is honestly probably a once in a lifetime type of trip for us, but we are all so excited! My family will be going (except my brother and his family). Many of them will be flying for the first time - and we plan to have a grand time!!

Our lives are far from perfect, but the fact is, it is our lives and we do the best we can. We finally have our third person to help fulfill our lives and the person that we so gladly get to continue moving forward with. We are so glad that Russell came into our lives and has become a part of our family in the manner he has. Here is to new beginnings and moving forward and simply enjoying the lives we have! We have some exciting things coming in our future and I cannot wait to continue this life with Russell and Madyson by my side! <3

It's About That Time

I haven't been here for awhile again. I've had a lot of struggle to stay on track and very little success. It's a very defeating feeling to feel as though maybe you will never get there, but you can't let that defeat win. I will get there! I will continue trying, despite my downfalls. And my dear sister reminded me the other day to not tear myself down. You see, I am surrounded constantly by people who are much skinner than me, but that does not make me any less of a person. Those words are important.
We need to stop tearing ourselves down, and remember who we truly are!

I struggle with this, I know I do, but that's why I am here talking to you!!

Did you hear? I am getting married at the end of this year!!! Hey that rhymed! I already chose a wedding dress and it fits me as I am now. I am hoping to lose some weight prior to our wedding day, which is only 143 days away. Here is the thing, it is VERY hard for me to lose weight. It's just the way I am, but I will continue to try! He obviously loves me the way I am - it's just what I want to do!

So, my current plan - cut back! A lot of my problem is I like food. I feel as though I should be able to enjoy food, but I have a hard time stopping myself. So my first goal is to cut back portions. I will also be trying to choose more wisely as well as drink less pop. Don't get me wrong - I am not giving up pop. A person should be able to enjoy their devices, buttttttt everything in moderation. We will see where that goes!

So.... Hey!! What's New & What's Not

I haven't been for a while - a long while. It's not that I don't have much to say, it's that I don't have much to show. I haven't been actively trying to lose weight for some time. Don't get me wrong, I think about it and I want it, but something was missing (like a kick in the rear) to get me acting on it.

So here I am again, starting anew. Let's pretend I haven't done this starting new 42 times already. I have a lot of motivating reasons to lose weight, get healthy, and simply be more fit, but it's HARD! I am not one of those girls that this comes easily to. I know a lot of people that are "naturally skinny", and I know a lot of people that work hard and do great. The truth is, that is my only option - to work hard. I've got to do it. For one, I want to be an example to Madyson. Here is the difference. I don't want her to hear me demeaning my body. I already hear her tell people she is fat. I just want to be an example of a healthy lifestyle, or of a person willing to make changes to get there. For two, I'm attending a dear friend's wedding reception just a couple months from now. I want to be able to buy a "little black dress" and feel comfortable wearing it. For three, well a girl likes to dream. I would like to think that maybe I will be taking my own walk down the aisle (like New Years Eve). I'm there, I'm ready, but it takes two so I'm waiting for my other half to decide he is ready - however I want to be prepared. I want to feel beautiful in that white dress when my day comes. Hopefully that dream will come true soon (*sigh).

So, here's the deal. I am back in action and I am not to be stopped (at least today). I bought myself TurboFire for my birthday. Turbo Fire is a "kickboxing" type work out amongst other things with Chalene Johnson. I've been wanting it for a long time so I decided what better present for my own birthday than a new workout! Yes - I bought myself a birthday gift, get over it. You gotta do what you gotta do. Anyways, TurboFire is a beacbody workout, you can get it online or from any beachbody coach. It's the same place that sells workouts like Insanity, P90X, T25, 21 Day Fix, etc. If you  need a beachbody coach I know a few I can hook you up. I really like the accessories of the workout. I just bought the basic set. It comes with a calendar and the DVDs, but I think my favorite part is a book it came with that is labeled Fuel The Fire. It basically talks about your eating and such, but I find this particular book way better than most I've seen and I am going to utilize it a lot I think.

I was successful before. I lost almost 20 pounds at one time a couple years ago when I started this blog. Of course, now I am back to square -2, but I am HERE!! My point is, at least I am here. Even though it is AGAIN, even though I have been here starting over more times than you can count. I AM HERE. I am going to get it right one of these days.

Back to Square One

The ugly truth is, I haven't done anything in any way to continue on my path to weight loss, and a healthier lifestyle. In fact, the opposite is quite true. I could make excuses all day long. Anyone who has followed me for any length of time and read my ramblings over the past couple years knows that I have been on that wild roller coaster. No excuses, it just is what it is - and well, that puts me back at square one. Not only have I not been losing any more weight, but I went off the deep end. I've pretty much gained everything I had lost back.

So what do you do about it? You get up, dust off your shoulders and start again. I have the will and the desire to be better. I have motivation to be better, so then where is my downfall? I have troubles saying no. I like food, I like pop, I like sweets, and I like to eat. That's all there is to it - BUT everything in moderation. I should be able to enjoy sweets here and there, but I also need to be more mindful of how often I am divulging. As I am back at square 1 (maybe -1), I have to make a game plan. I don't know what I need to do to make myself stay on track. Obviously people fall off the wago, but how can I keep from straying too far from the path? I think a lot of it is in my head, but the truth is, it is a REAL struggle. If you're reading this now, I am assuming you probably already know that.

So the game plan: better choices to start with. Maybe, I will simply cut back on portion sizes at times but I WILL make a difference. This is it. No more excuses. I am going to fall, I am going to make mistakes, and I will most likely continue on the roller coaster, but I WILL GET BETTER. That's all I can say and that is all I can do. I'm also going to get back into my workout routines. I have been working out intermittently, but nothing determined or focused. My plan at this point in time is to do the 21 Day Fix to start with. I think this program is a great way to get started. It builds strength and endurance. It tones and burns calories on a good level for me. When I finish that, I desperately want to try Insanity again. I will not take failure on Insanity, I will get back to it still. I am scared, believe me the thought of Insanity alone almost makes me break a sweat (too bad thinking about it doesn't solve the issue).

So, here is to beginning yet again, at square 1. Don't give up - EVER.

Speaking Out: There's a Moral to the Story

My writing is going to be a little different today. It's not about weight loss today. It is however about something that is very dear to my heart because I've lived it. I hope the right people read what I am speaking about today and still take some inspiration away from it. I'll try not to make it a book! :)

This is not something I openly speak about very often. Very few people know even most of the story. I hate talking about it! I don't like to talk about the hurts of my past, but I think there is something to be said. I'm going to be real honest and say maybe writing this blog today will close the book on my own healing process.

In high school, I didn't have a lot of boyfriends. I went to a private school and the boy selection was limited. I never got to date a lot and I was naive. So I met this guy, and I was "in love". I decided then he was who I wanted to marry. Well, then one day he breaks up with me. What!!!???? I totally thought he loved me. I mean I'm talking this is my first boyfriend and I'm not 12. A few months later he comes back to me and here begins the vicious cycle. I did date a couple of people while he was gone the first time (you know my brother had winning friends). This was just the begining. My family and friends had already lost their trust for him and constantly tried to "warn" me. We moved in together shortly after I graduated high school. I wouldn't say it was all bad. We had good times for awhile. Until he started drinking ALL the time, staying out all night, cheating on me, and whatever else he might have been doing. I kept my blinders on because I didn't want to lose him. Finally, I had enough (for the time being) so I moved in with a great friend. I worked with her at the time, she took me into her house and supported me. Her family became like my 2nd family. They even took me to San Antonio. When I got back from San Antonio, she was the one who made me take a pregnancy test. She was the one who stood there with me when I found out I was going to be a young mother. I probably owe her many many thanks for everything she did for me.
I moved out of her house and me and the boy got back together. After all, we were going to be parents so everything was perfect again... HA!! It was good for awhile again, and then he got a job in another town. During the week he started calling and saying he was going to stay with his boss. Turns out he was staying with the female co-worker. People told me they were hearing things about him being with a girl there and I denied it. This was after already spending several years together with this guy. I let the cycle continue and I played stupid to the facts in front of my face. Then my beautiful daughter was born January 31, 2007. The day after she was born he went back to his Ponca girlfriend and left me to fend for myself with a newborn. He never came home and when he did he was no help at all. I will give his mother and sister some major credit. They were a major help to me at the time. His sister would come stay the night to help me out. I can't tell you how many times his mom came over and cleaned while I took a nap. Eventually, I guess he got tired of the Ponca girl, promised me he would never talk to her again and well you know the cycle - everything was perfect again for awhile. Except it wasn't
He started sleeping with random girls just because he was out drinking all the time and that's what he wanted to do. This became my way of life. I sat home, knowing full well what was going on, and most of the time I was home alone. Then I broke. He was not helping me with any finances. I owed my landlord several months rent and I couldn't take it anymore. I moved back home to my parents. I got back on my feet and I found a nice little house to rent on my own. I was "free". Until he came back again, promising to change and I let him in. But let me tell you something, nothing ever changed. I spent somewhere around EIGHT years, playing this game letting him go back and forth. I was cheated on more times than I can probably count and constantly torn down to nothing. When he did come home he treated me badly. Not physically, I would have hit him back, but emotionally. I was called names, I was told I was a fat cow, the list is endless. So many times, I said I had enough but so many times I let him return. One day, litereally, it was like the switch flipped and I was suddenly strong enought to walk away. I made that break several years ago now, but some of the effects are hard to shake.
I know that because of this relationship I have a horribly low self-esteem, but I am working on that. Do you know how amazing it is to be told you're beautiful every day, and finally believe it's true? To feel actual caring from a significant other rather than constant worrying about what's really going on? I do... now. And let me tell you something ladies, it's 100% worth the wait to not settle.

So, why am I sharing all of this now? I'm sure you are sitting on the edge of your seating wondering that! Here's the thing, I have seen so many things lately point back to this kind of lifestyle and it breaks my heart. I wish I would have listened and done things much differently than I did. I don't regret the fact that I am where I am now because of these events. I could have saved myself a lot of hurting, and self loathing, and heartache. But I didn't - and I learned from that, and I hope that my little story here may reach out to some girl who is following the same story. This is only a very small portion of my story, but it should be enough to get the point across.

I can't tell you how many "good" relationship opportunities I passed up. On the same token, I'm really glad I passed up every single one because RIGHT NOW, at this point in my life - I am happier than I have EVER been. It's amazing, that's really all I can say about it.

A couple weeks ago, a co-worker was telling me about talking to this girl who was out of a bad relationship and then the girl ditched him to go back to it and he was like "Why?" "Why would she do that?" I said you know I don't have an answer, but I did that. Girls are.... well, girls. Some girls just want to have someone and so they will take the someone who claims to love them regardless of how they are treated. Recently, I saw another friend who dated a guy they broke up and now they're back together. She shared with me some of the reasons they're back together and then she told me she would rather be with him than be alone. She knows she is settling and that kills me! There is not happiness in a relationship like that. You may think you're happy because you're not alone, but the results will be long-lasting psychological issues. You do not recover easily from allowing yourself to live with that type of abuse. I have seen several similar situations lately and I just felt like it was calling out to me to speak up. Even the details I have shared with you here are the most minimal possible in order to get my point across.

DON'T SETTLE!!!! Do not trick yourself into believing that you are truly happy being treated like dirt. If you have a friend that you know is in this cycle, there is not much you can do. One must decide to break away from this kind of thing themselves. There is no amount of advising or lecturing that will get through to that person (at least not right away). A person has to come to terms with the reality of the situation. Is it easy? Well NO, but it's so much better than allowing yourself to be demeaned to nothing and convincing yourself it's ok to stay there because you don't want to be alone. Truth is, you're probably going to feel more alone by allowing this treatment to continue in your life. When it comes to kids in the picture, it affects them to. What kind of influence does these relationships have on your children? Is that what you want them to strive for?

I struggled to see it for many years, but there was a plan for me. I finally see some of the puzzle pieces of my life starting to come together and I'm going to say it again. I AM HAPPIER NOW THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN. I don't see any signs of that changing. I am working on bettering me, including stepping over my self confidence issues.

Failure is What You Make It

A little update on my challenge group that I offered - it didn't happen. I only had one person offer to be a part of it (I was never the popular kid) so she and I have kept in touch for accountability and we are kind of competing against each other. Or working together is how I like to see it.

There is a lot going on lately. I am going to school 2 nights a week, because some crazy part of me really wanted to get my Master's Degree. I only regret this decision when I have to get out of bed after staying up until midnight those two nights. For anyone who knows me, I go to bed at like 9:30, so midnight is pushing it. It's had a major impact on my workout mornings too. I have had to readjust my routines and am working on trying to figure out a plan. The past couple weeks, I simply have not made much of an effort. That's right - epic FAIL, but it's not a fail really. Even with my major screw ups and inability to stay committed, I am better than I used to be. I can generally see a difference in my portion sizes and even sometimes in my choices. Of course, when I fall off the wagon - I REALLY fall off the wagon. I will get there. It may not be today, or next week, but I will get there.

I struggle with not beating myself up about it, everytime I "fail". The thing is, failure is a horrible word and it's not accurate. There is no such thing as failure. When you fall down, you get back up again and you keep moving forward. That's all there is to it. There is no such thing as perfection either. Ask Shaun T and Jillian Michaels! They know what they're talking about..... just saying! I really don't know what I am talking about. I learn every day. I change constantly, but that's a part of growth and adaptation.

I had a conversation that really made me think. A couple of them actually. Conversation number one was with a friend who has 2 daughters. She said to me how can I expect my daughters to be ok with their bodies when mommy isn't happy with hers. She makes a good point. I don't think we will find happiness in skinniness to be quite honest, but happiness in knowing that we are striving to be the best we can be. If our children see that influence, it will boost not only their willpower to take care of themselves without being negative about their bodies, but it also may make a difference in their self confidence. I know that I try very hard not to speak negatively about my body in front of Madyson, but I am sure she has probably heard me make comments I shouldn't have. On the other hand, she sees me work out and sometimes she joins me. My other conversation had to do with self confidence. I have never had a lot of self confidence. Even in my "skinny" days, I was not self confident. It's always been one of my biggest downfalls. And it's something that is VERY hard to overcome. I've been working on that for years and I would say I am much improved, but I also have a long ways to go. You see, it's not easy feeling inferior in every little thing. My brother grew up tall and skinny. My sisters grew up tall and skinny and athletic, and then there is me - the middle child. The middle child always gets the short end of the stick! Do you know how many times I've heard "Geez, guess you got the bad genes in the family", or "Your sisters look just like you, only skinny", or the ex that called me fat all the time. Yes, sadly I hear stuff like that a lot. I had a self revelation in regards to this. For so long, I have let the difference in my body compared to skinny girls make a difference in ME, and that's not right. It's affected me negatively as a person when I should be striding in confidence, because while I may need to work on myself that doesn't mean I can't be beautiful to someone. That doesn't mean I should let go of all of my goals for myself, but I need to stop allowing myself to lack confidence because of it. The only thing that is going to do is hrut me more. So, I am making it my mission to not hold back simply because I lack self confidence. The only way to build self confidence is to force myself to get over it. It's time to knock down those walls. I'm going to be really honest and say I won't gain that self confidence that I should have overnight, but I'm done letting it hold me back.

Last time I wrote, I believe I said I was going to go back to doing Insanity. Well, then Beachbody had a sale on Shaun T's Rocking Body workout and I had to buy it of course. So, I am actually doing that one. Which is really quite fun. I feel like it's more of a calorie burner than a muscle worker so I've tried to do some additive stuff here and there for muscle work. I've been working my arms because I bought a new shirt I can't get on my arms and I am going to wear it!! I also have been doing some leg work. Haven't checked any results yet as I haven't been committedly working for very long yet, but I will get there.

I know I say it a lot, but I WILL GET THERE. I'm not giving up or giving in. I will continue to work towards a better me, and when I say a better me it includes so much more than weight loss. I am talking physically, emotionally, and mentally. The moral of the story is quit letting insecurities and unhappiness with where you are hold you back. You have to keep moving forward and you have to work through your discomfort in order to get to a place of comfort.