Here's The Skinny (Not)

Basically, I am getting nowhere. Granted, I could probably (strike that, definitely) improve on some things, but even with my current modifications I have accomplished nothing. To be frank, I am tired of not accomplishing anything here. I have been consistently working out, although I failed at the whole running thing. I've also been careful about my food to an extent. When I am eating something that isn't "healthy" I am careful about my portion sizes. Eating right tends to be expensive. Broke girl over here can't afford all the amazing products available to people. I do well to buy some fruit!! Beyond that, eating healthy also takes a lot of time, effort, and planning. Have you met me? Time is not something I have a lot of, and that's about to get worse with school, dance, and my own schooling no to mention two jobs. Here is the deal, these are all excuses. They are legitimate excuses, but I have got to find a way to make it work for ME, in light of my time and money situation. I can do this!! I want to do this, I just don't feel like I'm any good at doing this.
I've been blogging here about my "weight loss" journey for over a year and I really haven't made a lot of actual progress. Don't get me wrong, I have changed mentally in regards to fitness. I have gotten stronger and I have leaned down a tiny, itty bitty, little bit. It's time to kick myself in the rear and accomplish something FOR REAL. It's about to get real up in here. I won't be drinking pop during the week, although I am not gonna lie I will probably have myself a pop on the weekends. I won't be eating out during the week and if for some reason we need to eat out because of a time constraint or whatever, I will be making good choices. This is my accountability right here.

I want to say my sisters are still my rock in regards to all this. They constantly are backing me and asking me what I have done or telling me to do something. I need that! The things is, a lot of people get offended when someone says "hey, do some squats or jumping jacks or something". Truth is, I would probably get offended if it wasn't coming from my sisters. On a high note, when we started our squat challenge, they were crying after the first day. I was over here like I'm the squat queen! I don't even feel it. I've done so much slacking off and then jumping back on and then starting the cycle over again, I have only hurt myself. What kind of influence can I be if I am not holding myself accountable to all these things I keep saying.
Now let me confess, we didn't complete the squat challenge. We probably made it two weeks before we got distracted by life. That doesn't mean we haven't been active. When I quit insanity, my goal was to do things to strengthen myself and gain some endurance. Ya, I haven't gotten anywhere there either. Let me lay this out for you, in case I haven't made it clear. I AM GETTING NOWEHERE!! And I'm tired of it, and frustrated by it.
I was talking to someone about having a weight loss challenge between me and him. I'm going to do this, I just have to come up with some terms, which I haven't done becuase I'm a slacker. However, I would also like to propose a challenge to those of you reading this. Challenge will begin September 2nd (yes, the 2nd, because that's the date I want to start). I will come out with some more details on the 2nd as far as rules - that's right I'm not really prepared, but basically here is what's going to happen. Keep a written journal. I mean hand written. First day, I want weight and measurements. Before you panic, I am not going to make you share these, obviously at some point you will have to report them to me, but that's as far as it will go. I will not ask to read your journal, I will just want to see it as evidence. I'll be keeping one too. Challenge will last 30 days and there will be a point system based on activity, weight loss, and inches. I want to mix it up because I know that some have more weight to lose than others. I don't want to just focus on weight, because there is more to a fit lifestyle than weight. In fact, the scale is just a number. Please find some way to let me know if you plan on participating in this challenge. There will be some sort of prize at the end for the winner - and even if I win I will not win my own prize. Let's make it fun!
By the way, I am starting Insanity again Spetember 2nd with this challenge. I don't care that I don't feel ready, pushing through is the only way to change that.
I have the mindset, I just need the focus and follow through. My life is constantly at a run, and so many things are changing in it right now, but changing for the better and this is going to change for the better too. Something's gotta give and it's TIME. Actually, I'm running late, which is becoming a way of life for me. Time to go!
One more thing, this picture is exactly how I feel!

The Bad News, The Good News, & Everything in Between

Let me start with the bad news, and then the good news and then I will get to everything in between.

The bad news is - I am going to step away from Insanity for the time being. What???!!!! I know you must be thinking, why quit now? You won't get better if you quit. Ha, that Krysta talks a big game but she is quite weak. At least those were my own thoughts. Here is the good news: I am NOT quitting Insanity. Yes, I am stepping away from it, but I am going to go back to it and when I do I have every intention of finishing. Does this make me a quitter? Well, maybe so, but I like to think it means I'm taking my overall picture into perspective and working towards a goal. I still have every intention of completing Insanity.
So at this point, you might be wondering what my in-between is, let's talk about why I am breaking from Insanity. I happen to be 50+ pounds overweight, and I have never been physically fit - even in my skinnier days. As I was struggling through over and over I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere. I wasn't seeing any progress in my strengthening or endurance or improvements in the exercises. I was out of my league. I have already been told, well you can't ever get better if you let it go. I disagree. I'm letting go to get better and get better I WILL. My goal is to revisit Insanity 30 days from today and begin again, renewed and stronger. I hit a wall where all I felt was discouragement while I was doing the workouts and guess what - discouragement is not healthy. So, I made the ultimate choice that I needed to back down. Do I need to push myself? Absolutely!!! But what I don't need is to push myself so hard that I feel like an utter failure every time I turn on or begin a workout. See what I'm saying now?
Let me share this: I talked to my sisters about this a couple of days ago. In a world, where many time I feel very very alone, I have the most amazing sisters. I have very few close friends and many of my friends I don't hear from regularly. Not pointing any fingers here, it's just reality. When you live in different towns and everyone starts living their "adult" lives, it's hard to stay as connected. Does that make any of us any less friends? Well, no, ALL of my friends are still very dear to me, and I miss them every single day!! However, back to feeling alone. The reality is I often feel alone, but every time I get there I have my sisters RIGHT BY MY SIDE. They have never ever failed to back me up or support and encourage me - even the many time I have been underserving. So, I say something about breaking (I refuse to say quitting) from Insanity and they question me, and they say ok, game plan. We discuss options and they say include me (ok, this was not word for word obviously). I am going to get back into running. I reinstalled the C25K app to my phone. Don't ask me why because honestly I hate running, but it will strengthen me and help build up my endurance. Aside from running, we found some of those little 30 day challenges you see floating around everywhere. I say WE, because my sisters are doing it WITH me. They already started doing it with me. We went to the track to start Day 1 of the C25K program and they paced me. Ok, these girls are skinny and they used to be star basketball players, and they went at my pace for my benefit, because they were showing their support. So, when I had to slow down before my 60 seconds because I couldn't breathe, or when I skipped one of the 60 seconds because I had to recuperate longer, they did it with me. They ran slow with me, they supported me. And never once, did they make me feel inferior about it. One of my sisters found an ab challenge, and I found a squat challenge. Today is our Day 1 for those. They're holding me accountable, but they're doing it too. I've attached pictures of those for reference.

I constantly feel like an inferior being. I am weak, and I am not good at this weight loss and fitness stuff. Every time I look in the mirror I feel huge, and I'm exhausted from the struggle and from tearing myself down. So today, I read this quote: "Allow yourself to be a beginner, noone starts out being excellent". Yep, that was posted just for me, I am certain of it. And then one of my favorite bloggers to follow said (in paraphrase, because it was long): "I'm not the picture of perfect health and I don't have all the answers. I'm just a woman who was sick of feeling back about herself and decided to make a change. Everyone is beautiful and different in their own way. I started slowly one day at a time, and have learned that the road to success has no end and that comparison truly is the thief of joy. Just. Keep. Going!" Ya, I am positive she posted that for me as well.
I posted on Facebook asking people for their successes and suggestions. It didn't quite go over like I hoped, but I did get a lot of insight still. I got a lot of suggestions and things to work off of. I am most grateful for all of those!!
Here is my plan: follow the C25K program, do the and & squat challenges with sisters, continue my morning workouts at least 3 days a week. Watch my eating, believe it or not, this is my biggest struggle. I'm gonna say it again - I am exhausted from the struggle, but I'm going to keep on keeping on.

Insanity Update: Week 2 & Fit Test

Friday, I wrapped up week 2 of Insanity. This morning, I completed my 2nd Fit Test because I hit the two week mark. All last week, I continued to feel like maybe I was out of my league. I spent a lot of time feeling like there was no way I was ever going to be good at this, and a lot of time considering quitting some more. The moves are super challenging for me, ranging from burpees to push-up jacks. The thing is, I can barely do a push-up anyway, but push up and jacks all together? What the heck!The thing is, I can't quit. While I spend almost every workout discouraged with my abilities and upset at how little I can really do, I can't quit. I must complete this. Whether or not it will actually do me any good I have NO idea. Let me tell you what, I have been working by rear off these past 2 weeks and still haven't lost a pound. I am so mad!! I have even been trying to eat well, and that's aside from dripping sweat at 5 A.M. every single morning. I mean really what more do I have to do to actually accomplish something?
So this morning I did my second Fit Test, and I was worried that I wouldn't have any improvements. Much to my surprise, I did improve on almost every move. There were two moves that stayed the same - one of them was "suicide jumps" or what I like to call "burpees". Ya, those are a killer and I'm not getting any better at them. There is a lot of hardcore cardio in the Insanity videos and the Fit Test is no exception. Each exercise is all about speed and power. My improvements were small, but they were still there. I have no measured to see if I have lost any inches, and I don't think I am going to until at least half way through.
I will be taking next week off because we are taking a trip and I am not taking Insanity with me, mind you I plan on being somewhat mindful of my food intake; however it is vacation and I plan on treating it as so. When I return, I will pick up exactly where I left off on the following Monday - and probably crying the whole time! After that week, I will have completed one month of Insanity, and month 2 is supposed to be even harder as the workouts intensify. Someone please talk some sense into me now! How can they possibly get any more challenging than they already are??
On another note, I'm going to keep pushing forward, and some day I will be at least somewhat in shape, and hopefully with a better body to show for it!

Insanity, Week 1

I started "Insanity" on Monday. Day 1 of Insanity begins with what they call a fit test. They repeat the fit test every two weeks as a source to measure progress in the workout. The fit test consists of a handful of exercises and you do each one for a minute. The goal is to do as many of each one during that minute that you can. Each time you complete the Fit Test, you record your results and hopefully do more each time as you progress. So, when I did the Fit Test, I discovered I am NOT fit - at all. I was hoping that would be the easy part, but the truth is it wasn't. It was a full blown cardio workout.
With Insanity, each day you are assigned a different workout according to a 60-day calendar that comes with the workout set. Tuesday was Plyometric Cardio Circuit, Wednesday was Cardio Power & Resistance, Thursday was Cardio Recovery, and Friday was Pure Cardio. Each of the workouts that I have completed so far have been 30-45 minutes of pure sweat.
Let me tell you something, Insanity lives up to the name. Which I expected, but take that expectation time 10, and then take that thought times 10 again and you MIGHT be close to the intensity of these workouts. I have done 5 days of Insanity and it is literally the HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE!! Don't believe me? When Madyson was born, I spent an hour and a half on my hands and knees while enduring hard labor - this is harder than that, although less painful. I have been doing a lot of working out lately. I have done some pretty challenging workouts - or so I thought. The cardio is intense, the power moves are intense, it is so intense! Do you get my drift yet?
I am not good enough for this change in the game yet, and I almost quit. When I talked myself into sticking it out, I almost quit again. I cried every single day of the actual workouts, except for the cardio recovery. Tuesday, my calves were on fire! They still are if I'm being honest. At work, they were laughing at me because it obviously was hard for me to even walk. I was sitting at my desk hoping I wouldn't feel the need to get up that day. Of course, when you're drinking a keg of water that doesn't quite work out.
But I stuck it out, despite my tears and my negative thoughts that I can't do it, I just kept going. And that's what I will continue to do. Even this morning, I feel out of my league. I AM out of my league. I was so tired already before I even started the workout that I rested just as much as I worked this morning. And I feel like I can't do it. Even as I type about this point I would be saying don't do that, don't tell yourself you can't do it. I'm not perfect and the little voice in the back of my head says I'm not sure what you're trying to prove or even why you're still trying to prove it. On top of that, I wish so badly, I could just be cute and skinny without having to work so hard. I stepped on the scale this morning sure that I would see something for my efforts. I have eaten SO good this week, but guess what that scale hasn't budged. I've said myself the scale is just a number it does not define you, but I want to see something for my efforts! Even with my complaining, and my thoughts of failure and quitting, I will NOT quit. I mean I only have 55 days left, why quit now? I will finish, and I may not be very good - in fact, I am horrible, but I CAN finish and hopefully when all is said and done I will finish strong and proud.

Now let me say this, if I can do it - so can you. According to the BMI charts I am obese (do I feel obese? No, but I do feel overweight). The key is to stop making excuses. Believe me I have all the same excuses. I am a mother, with no husband or boyrfriend or whatever, and I work two jobs and we are ALWAYS busy with something but I make it happen. Have I always made it happen? Well, obviously not. I think more than anything I am doing Insanity to prove something to myself because in the end I am my toughest judge.

21 Day Fix

I just finished up doing the "21 day fix" - workouts only. I very much enjoyed the workouts. They were quick, challenging, and a good mixture. For those of you who have not yet heard of the 21 Day Fix, it is a program that comes with a different workout for each day of the week (i.e. Total Body Cardio, Pilates, Upper Fix, etc.). The program also comes with measured food containers that you are supposed to use for your meals. I'll be honest and say I didn't bother to use the containers that much. I feel like I understand the concept of portion sizes, I just don't very often use them as I should. I am trying (and struggling) to be better with that. I know that portion sizes make a bog difference in the long run. My problem is, my mind takes a long time to decide I can really stop eating. Anyways, I think I am getting off topic there.
I failed to take measurements and pictures before I started the program. I meant to, I just never did it and now it's been 21 days so I guess it's a little late for before pictures, huh? Here is what I notice to my judgemental eye. I feel a small amount of toning in my muscles, some strengthening in different areas. I have noticed a greater range of flexibility and movement for myself. I have noticed maybe a slight amount of slimming in my love handles on my back. It's hard to tell with all the cushion that I still have there. To be quite honest, I found myself a little discouraged and disappointed with my results. I mean I was supposed to be a new person in 21 days, right? So, as I was pouting about only subtle changes taking place, I then began to berate myself for not doing better. I was mad at myself because let's face it - I could have eaten better, I could have not skipped a couple days of workouts, I could have eaten better, and I totally could have eaten better! Eating is my most challenging thing in the weightloss front! I need to get a handle on this! So, as I was berating myself for not doing better, I then had to kick myself for tearing myself down. Ladies (and gents too), DON"T TEAR YOURSELVES DOWN! Listen to me, if you are trying, if you are putting forth an effort then pat yourself on the back! Are you going to be perfect? Well, no probably not, because I am prety darn close to perfect most days (obviously not) and I struggle here.
I almost found myself thinking I don't know why I am really trying, because it's not like I'll really ever be skinny. And maybe I won't. My body structure is not a supermodel body structure, and the truth is it never will be, but if I keep working and keep pushing myself to keep striving for more, I will at least get better than where I am.
One positive thing I can take away from the 21 Day Fix is I feel like I've actually established the habit of getting up and working out in the morning before work. I was hit and miss on this, but of the 21 days, I only missed 3 and they were all on weekends. I tagged that time on to the end as well. Overall, I am impressed with the 21 day fix program and am considering doing it again. The problem is I burn out easily on workouts when they get repetitive so I am going to move on and maybe come back to it in a couple of months. My next mission is Insanity. I'm going to admit right now, that I am scared to death that I am not good enough for Insanity, but I know I can do it! "If you're tired of starting over, stop giving up!" I am going to take it one day at a time and continue pushing myself.
This time I promise to take before pictures and measurements because I would like to keep track!
Here are a couple after pictures, just for fun! Don't laugh at my goofy tan lines either!

This is us

I felt compelled to write a little about mine and Madysons lives, an update and kinda what we're doing these days. Ok so maybe I found this to be a somewhat emotional morning as I sent my little baby girl to her last day of FIRST grade.. You know what this means right? Second grade... The kid is growing up and that's just not allowed! But at the same time I love it! She is such a precious gem in my life (well, usually haha) and she has become such an amazing young girl!! Ok, I'm done for the moment with my sappy talk!
These days we are constantly on the go! Sometimes I barely make it to bed by my 9:30 bedtime.. I mean seriously how do people function? Ohhh and I only have one child's events to keep up with - of course I have no husband or even her father figure by my side. I do however get an enormous amount of help from family. My mom has been gracious enough to become my built in babysitter. I don't tell her enough how grateful I am! She works in town every day 9-1 and then she has been driving the 12 miles BACK to town every day at 4 to get my daughter from school. THEN after she has gone out of her way and used her time she often has been the one to take Madyson to dance class as its generally while I'm still at work. All of this she does... for me... so I can work. See, pretty awesome!
These days I work at a bank in the trust & investments department. I have a series 7 license and I am a sales & administrative assistant. It's a great job and a great place to work!! I want to continue my career at this bank, but I also want to put my degree and professional abilities to use... translation I want to be more than an assistant someday! I'd absolutely love to break into HR or a managerial type role and maybe someday I'll get the opportunity! I work a 2nd job mostly just on Saturdays but it brings in a little extra money for us. Turns out I really enjoy it!! It's laid back and people friendly!
I just recently finished my Bachelor's degree in Business Management St Friends University. I plan to continue on and get my Masters in Business Administration with a center in change management. I'm looking forward to a new phase and nervous at the same time. It's absolutely a LOT of work!! I take my classes online and many times I procrastinate but I have a goal to strive for a "cum laude" status this time. Expect major party invites when I finish in a couple years!! I believe that's reason to celebrate!!
Back to Madyson, she finished 1st grade an A student. We had our struggles and tears through the year but we made it! She started reading chapter books here just recently and as a reader myself I am one proud mama!! She totally gets her smarts and good looks from her mama :) She started competition dancing this year. For anyone who is not so in tune to ththe dance world this means several days a week at dance, many late nights and exhausting days, trips out of town on weekends, some major expense, and utmost devotion to dance. It's A LOT!!!!!! But it's so worth it because Madyson absolutely loves it!! I'm glad that I am able to make it happen and those girls do so great!! All of them! It's a very good team and a dance studio I'm proud to be a part of! Next month we're traveling to Grapevine Texas for a dance convention. This will be the first time we've done anything remotely close to a vacation aside from going with my family to Branson a couple times. We're excited, expenses and all!! Oh... and we're officially doing it all again next year!!
On the weight loss front, I hit it hard again. And I'm feeling that physical change. I am doing the 21 day fix workouts and I'm 7 days in today. They say it takes 21 days to start a new habit and break old ones. I get up at 5 am because I know I'll talk  myself out of them in the evenings. I feel great!! And I'm back to losing and feeling the muscles working. I can feel the change in the fit of my clothes and in my overall feel. I haven't actually weighed myself yet I keep forgetting, but I'll get there. I really have learned not to care much about the scale but more about how I look and feel. I'm getting there!
We lead a pretty great life. Is it perfect? Nope... I'm a single mom working two jobs and going to school and supporting a dance habit and we spend more than I make but we're making it. I desperately want someone to share this life with - not just anyone. I haven't dated much and there is reason for that. I don't want to just date a bunch of random people. I don't want to do that to myself. I really haven't been looking for a man, just waiting. I know that there is someone to complete mine and Madysons life and I hope to meet him soon.
I'm grateful for what we do have because we are blessed beyond measure. I own my home (since 2008) and I just got a brand new car (2014 Escape).
The point of this story? Well, find gratefulness in the life you have and DONT let your circumstances hold you back. If I can do what we're doing with our lives then absolutely so can you!!

The Blahs

For the past several weeks I've had a ridiculous case of the blahs!! You know what I'm talking about... it's that feeling you shake and the only word you can find to describe it is.... say it with me... blah!!
This blah has hindered my life in so many ways!! I've been feeling the hindrance but I've been unsure how to get past my funk. Everywhere around me people are happy and their lives seem so grand! Yesterday another friend of mine got engaged and I'm over here the loneliest girl (In a relationship context). Don't get me wrong! Congratulations to her I AM absolutely very happy for her!! I won't put names here because I didn't ask permission to share her news. I'm just jealous!! She so deserves it though she is a great young lady and I wish her so much happiness!!
Then this week I've started experiencing small things that are pulling me back to reality. Over the weekend we saw Mom's Night Out - go see it!! That's all I've got to say about it. Sunday was Mother's Day, and I have a beautiful daughter. One of my great friends dedicated their baby on Mothers Day, what an awesome gift!! Monday I was really feeling the pressure in all these things: finances, weight loss, motherhood, career worries, etc. I know you can relate!
Tuesday I went to a Bible study. I've always enjoyed listening to my cousin speak - he speaks on my level every time! So, the emphasis in the study (at least for me) was that God is faithful to complete the work he has started in us! He also touched on prayer and suggested that when we worry about things or something weighs on our mind we should lift it in prayer every time it invades our brain space... EVERY TIME. Ok yes I knew that - but I put it to the test because it seemed like I should. I was amazed yesterday how many times things came into my head that really bothered me. I found myself saying a short prayer each time. I began to feel a little peace throughout the day, but yesterday was the worst of my blahs as well. Coincidence? I really think not. Then I started seeing pieces of inspiration for various things. I saw another person post on Facebook about their struggles and I felt for them. You see I could relate so I shared my own advice with her.
One thing that's weighed heavily on me lately is my slacking in the weight loss department. I haven't completely fallen off the Wagon - actually maybe I have I don't know. I've not even cared the slightest bit and I've made lots of excuses. I've stopped trying and I'm putting my foot down TODAY!! So I was even praying that one up yesterday and Facebook is a magical thing. I follow Mama Laughlins blog and she posted about this exact thing yesterday. I was like yes exactly!! Then I had a childhood friend post before and after pictures and it touched right to my soul. She looks amazing!! She should be so proud of what she has accomplished and these things inspired me! I will never be beautifully skinny like a model the truth is I'm not built that way, but I will get fit and I will be comfortable in my skin and this is me jumping back in (again).
My original purpose of this blog was to hold myself accountable and I've been lacking on that front, but we all struggle in our own ways.
Thank you to everyone who supports me and encourages me!! I cannot say enough how thankful I am to have such amazing people in our lives!! To those who help me through my blah days and sometimes share them with me - you know who you are!