Insanity, Week 1

I started "Insanity" on Monday. Day 1 of Insanity begins with what they call a fit test. They repeat the fit test every two weeks as a source to measure progress in the workout. The fit test consists of a handful of exercises and you do each one for a minute. The goal is to do as many of each one during that minute that you can. Each time you complete the Fit Test, you record your results and hopefully do more each time as you progress. So, when I did the Fit Test, I discovered I am NOT fit - at all. I was hoping that would be the easy part, but the truth is it wasn't. It was a full blown cardio workout.
With Insanity, each day you are assigned a different workout according to a 60-day calendar that comes with the workout set. Tuesday was Plyometric Cardio Circuit, Wednesday was Cardio Power & Resistance, Thursday was Cardio Recovery, and Friday was Pure Cardio. Each of the workouts that I have completed so far have been 30-45 minutes of pure sweat.
Let me tell you something, Insanity lives up to the name. Which I expected, but take that expectation time 10, and then take that thought times 10 again and you MIGHT be close to the intensity of these workouts. I have done 5 days of Insanity and it is literally the HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE!! Don't believe me? When Madyson was born, I spent an hour and a half on my hands and knees while enduring hard labor - this is harder than that, although less painful. I have been doing a lot of working out lately. I have done some pretty challenging workouts - or so I thought. The cardio is intense, the power moves are intense, it is so intense! Do you get my drift yet?
I am not good enough for this change in the game yet, and I almost quit. When I talked myself into sticking it out, I almost quit again. I cried every single day of the actual workouts, except for the cardio recovery. Tuesday, my calves were on fire! They still are if I'm being honest. At work, they were laughing at me because it obviously was hard for me to even walk. I was sitting at my desk hoping I wouldn't feel the need to get up that day. Of course, when you're drinking a keg of water that doesn't quite work out.
But I stuck it out, despite my tears and my negative thoughts that I can't do it, I just kept going. And that's what I will continue to do. Even this morning, I feel out of my league. I AM out of my league. I was so tired already before I even started the workout that I rested just as much as I worked this morning. And I feel like I can't do it. Even as I type about this point I would be saying don't do that, don't tell yourself you can't do it. I'm not perfect and the little voice in the back of my head says I'm not sure what you're trying to prove or even why you're still trying to prove it. On top of that, I wish so badly, I could just be cute and skinny without having to work so hard. I stepped on the scale this morning sure that I would see something for my efforts. I have eaten SO good this week, but guess what that scale hasn't budged. I've said myself the scale is just a number it does not define you, but I want to see something for my efforts! Even with my complaining, and my thoughts of failure and quitting, I will NOT quit. I mean I only have 55 days left, why quit now? I will finish, and I may not be very good - in fact, I am horrible, but I CAN finish and hopefully when all is said and done I will finish strong and proud.

Now let me say this, if I can do it - so can you. According to the BMI charts I am obese (do I feel obese? No, but I do feel overweight). The key is to stop making excuses. Believe me I have all the same excuses. I am a mother, with no husband or boyrfriend or whatever, and I work two jobs and we are ALWAYS busy with something but I make it happen. Have I always made it happen? Well, obviously not. I think more than anything I am doing Insanity to prove something to myself because in the end I am my toughest judge.

21 Day Fix

I just finished up doing the "21 day fix" - workouts only. I very much enjoyed the workouts. They were quick, challenging, and a good mixture. For those of you who have not yet heard of the 21 Day Fix, it is a program that comes with a different workout for each day of the week (i.e. Total Body Cardio, Pilates, Upper Fix, etc.). The program also comes with measured food containers that you are supposed to use for your meals. I'll be honest and say I didn't bother to use the containers that much. I feel like I understand the concept of portion sizes, I just don't very often use them as I should. I am trying (and struggling) to be better with that. I know that portion sizes make a bog difference in the long run. My problem is, my mind takes a long time to decide I can really stop eating. Anyways, I think I am getting off topic there.
I failed to take measurements and pictures before I started the program. I meant to, I just never did it and now it's been 21 days so I guess it's a little late for before pictures, huh? Here is what I notice to my judgemental eye. I feel a small amount of toning in my muscles, some strengthening in different areas. I have noticed a greater range of flexibility and movement for myself. I have noticed maybe a slight amount of slimming in my love handles on my back. It's hard to tell with all the cushion that I still have there. To be quite honest, I found myself a little discouraged and disappointed with my results. I mean I was supposed to be a new person in 21 days, right? So, as I was pouting about only subtle changes taking place, I then began to berate myself for not doing better. I was mad at myself because let's face it - I could have eaten better, I could have not skipped a couple days of workouts, I could have eaten better, and I totally could have eaten better! Eating is my most challenging thing in the weightloss front! I need to get a handle on this! So, as I was berating myself for not doing better, I then had to kick myself for tearing myself down. Ladies (and gents too), DON"T TEAR YOURSELVES DOWN! Listen to me, if you are trying, if you are putting forth an effort then pat yourself on the back! Are you going to be perfect? Well, no probably not, because I am prety darn close to perfect most days (obviously not) and I struggle here.
I almost found myself thinking I don't know why I am really trying, because it's not like I'll really ever be skinny. And maybe I won't. My body structure is not a supermodel body structure, and the truth is it never will be, but if I keep working and keep pushing myself to keep striving for more, I will at least get better than where I am.
One positive thing I can take away from the 21 Day Fix is I feel like I've actually established the habit of getting up and working out in the morning before work. I was hit and miss on this, but of the 21 days, I only missed 3 and they were all on weekends. I tagged that time on to the end as well. Overall, I am impressed with the 21 day fix program and am considering doing it again. The problem is I burn out easily on workouts when they get repetitive so I am going to move on and maybe come back to it in a couple of months. My next mission is Insanity. I'm going to admit right now, that I am scared to death that I am not good enough for Insanity, but I know I can do it! "If you're tired of starting over, stop giving up!" I am going to take it one day at a time and continue pushing myself.
This time I promise to take before pictures and measurements because I would like to keep track!
Here are a couple after pictures, just for fun! Don't laugh at my goofy tan lines either!

This is us

I felt compelled to write a little about mine and Madysons lives, an update and kinda what we're doing these days. Ok so maybe I found this to be a somewhat emotional morning as I sent my little baby girl to her last day of FIRST grade.. You know what this means right? Second grade... The kid is growing up and that's just not allowed! But at the same time I love it! She is such a precious gem in my life (well, usually haha) and she has become such an amazing young girl!! Ok, I'm done for the moment with my sappy talk!
These days we are constantly on the go! Sometimes I barely make it to bed by my 9:30 bedtime.. I mean seriously how do people function? Ohhh and I only have one child's events to keep up with - of course I have no husband or even her father figure by my side. I do however get an enormous amount of help from family. My mom has been gracious enough to become my built in babysitter. I don't tell her enough how grateful I am! She works in town every day 9-1 and then she has been driving the 12 miles BACK to town every day at 4 to get my daughter from school. THEN after she has gone out of her way and used her time she often has been the one to take Madyson to dance class as its generally while I'm still at work. All of this she does... for me... so I can work. See, pretty awesome!
These days I work at a bank in the trust & investments department. I have a series 7 license and I am a sales & administrative assistant. It's a great job and a great place to work!! I want to continue my career at this bank, but I also want to put my degree and professional abilities to use... translation I want to be more than an assistant someday! I'd absolutely love to break into HR or a managerial type role and maybe someday I'll get the opportunity! I work a 2nd job mostly just on Saturdays but it brings in a little extra money for us. Turns out I really enjoy it!! It's laid back and people friendly!
I just recently finished my Bachelor's degree in Business Management St Friends University. I plan to continue on and get my Masters in Business Administration with a center in change management. I'm looking forward to a new phase and nervous at the same time. It's absolutely a LOT of work!! I take my classes online and many times I procrastinate but I have a goal to strive for a "cum laude" status this time. Expect major party invites when I finish in a couple years!! I believe that's reason to celebrate!!
Back to Madyson, she finished 1st grade an A student. We had our struggles and tears through the year but we made it! She started reading chapter books here just recently and as a reader myself I am one proud mama!! She totally gets her smarts and good looks from her mama :) She started competition dancing this year. For anyone who is not so in tune to ththe dance world this means several days a week at dance, many late nights and exhausting days, trips out of town on weekends, some major expense, and utmost devotion to dance. It's A LOT!!!!!! But it's so worth it because Madyson absolutely loves it!! I'm glad that I am able to make it happen and those girls do so great!! All of them! It's a very good team and a dance studio I'm proud to be a part of! Next month we're traveling to Grapevine Texas for a dance convention. This will be the first time we've done anything remotely close to a vacation aside from going with my family to Branson a couple times. We're excited, expenses and all!! Oh... and we're officially doing it all again next year!!
On the weight loss front, I hit it hard again. And I'm feeling that physical change. I am doing the 21 day fix workouts and I'm 7 days in today. They say it takes 21 days to start a new habit and break old ones. I get up at 5 am because I know I'll talk  myself out of them in the evenings. I feel great!! And I'm back to losing and feeling the muscles working. I can feel the change in the fit of my clothes and in my overall feel. I haven't actually weighed myself yet I keep forgetting, but I'll get there. I really have learned not to care much about the scale but more about how I look and feel. I'm getting there!
We lead a pretty great life. Is it perfect? Nope... I'm a single mom working two jobs and going to school and supporting a dance habit and we spend more than I make but we're making it. I desperately want someone to share this life with - not just anyone. I haven't dated much and there is reason for that. I don't want to just date a bunch of random people. I don't want to do that to myself. I really haven't been looking for a man, just waiting. I know that there is someone to complete mine and Madysons life and I hope to meet him soon.
I'm grateful for what we do have because we are blessed beyond measure. I own my home (since 2008) and I just got a brand new car (2014 Escape).
The point of this story? Well, find gratefulness in the life you have and DONT let your circumstances hold you back. If I can do what we're doing with our lives then absolutely so can you!!

The Blahs

For the past several weeks I've had a ridiculous case of the blahs!! You know what I'm talking about... it's that feeling you shake and the only word you can find to describe it is.... say it with me... blah!!
This blah has hindered my life in so many ways!! I've been feeling the hindrance but I've been unsure how to get past my funk. Everywhere around me people are happy and their lives seem so grand! Yesterday another friend of mine got engaged and I'm over here the loneliest girl (In a relationship context). Don't get me wrong! Congratulations to her I AM absolutely very happy for her!! I won't put names here because I didn't ask permission to share her news. I'm just jealous!! She so deserves it though she is a great young lady and I wish her so much happiness!!
Then this week I've started experiencing small things that are pulling me back to reality. Over the weekend we saw Mom's Night Out - go see it!! That's all I've got to say about it. Sunday was Mother's Day, and I have a beautiful daughter. One of my great friends dedicated their baby on Mothers Day, what an awesome gift!! Monday I was really feeling the pressure in all these things: finances, weight loss, motherhood, career worries, etc. I know you can relate!
Tuesday I went to a Bible study. I've always enjoyed listening to my cousin speak - he speaks on my level every time! So, the emphasis in the study (at least for me) was that God is faithful to complete the work he has started in us! He also touched on prayer and suggested that when we worry about things or something weighs on our mind we should lift it in prayer every time it invades our brain space... EVERY TIME. Ok yes I knew that - but I put it to the test because it seemed like I should. I was amazed yesterday how many times things came into my head that really bothered me. I found myself saying a short prayer each time. I began to feel a little peace throughout the day, but yesterday was the worst of my blahs as well. Coincidence? I really think not. Then I started seeing pieces of inspiration for various things. I saw another person post on Facebook about their struggles and I felt for them. You see I could relate so I shared my own advice with her.
One thing that's weighed heavily on me lately is my slacking in the weight loss department. I haven't completely fallen off the Wagon - actually maybe I have I don't know. I've not even cared the slightest bit and I've made lots of excuses. I've stopped trying and I'm putting my foot down TODAY!! So I was even praying that one up yesterday and Facebook is a magical thing. I follow Mama Laughlins blog and she posted about this exact thing yesterday. I was like yes exactly!! Then I had a childhood friend post before and after pictures and it touched right to my soul. She looks amazing!! She should be so proud of what she has accomplished and these things inspired me! I will never be beautifully skinny like a model the truth is I'm not built that way, but I will get fit and I will be comfortable in my skin and this is me jumping back in (again).
My original purpose of this blog was to hold myself accountable and I've been lacking on that front, but we all struggle in our own ways.
Thank you to everyone who supports me and encourages me!! I cannot say enough how thankful I am to have such amazing people in our lives!! To those who help me through my blah days and sometimes share them with me - you know who you are!

Life... As we "know" it

It's been awhile since Ive been here quite frankly I haven't had much to say on the weight loss front. Am I still working at it? Why yes I am but I haven't had any new or inspiring words to share and my progress is slow to non existent at times. The last thing I want is to type something up and have you read it and be like I think she says that every time or her words don't seem on it this time. I have always had a thing for writing so this post is mostly not related to my weight loss trials but more to life in general and things that have been weighing my thoughts. I use this as a tool to write something on my mind and maybe find some release in doing so.
I've always kinda been the odd duck of my family. If there is trouble to be had I'm the one who finds it. I'm the middle child who knowing she isn't alone many times feels separated. Before I continue I want to reiterate I'm not saying anything here to point fingers or bring anyone down!! I absolutely have an awesome family and awesome friends they are all always by my side and have done SO many things for me!! It's just some written perspective!! I'm the 27 year old single mother who is broke, sassy, overweight, no man wants me, and I'm far from perfect. I feel my insecurities in everything I do. I strive to keep emotions and silly feelings at bay. In truth I've brought most of these things on myself. I dated a guy for nearly 7-8 years (off and on) leaving behind opportunities and refusing to listen to others words and warnings. I now cringe when I see other amazing young women walking that same path. I ended up having a child with him which made it that much harder... or did it? Having Madyson is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me. Knowing I need to be a role model in many ways to her has caused me to strive much harder than I ever would have without her. Many people who know me personally know a lot of our stories, but amazingly you never know it all. There tends to be so much under the surface that people never pick up on and recognize. These past few years have shown us many a struggle and many a triumph.
I talk about being broke (and we are) but at the same time we have so much. I own my home (Thanks to an awesome real estate agent I've owned it since 2008 - I was only 21). I've pursued higher education. I'm buried in student loans but I graduate for my Bachelor's degree May 10th and AM going on to my Masters. Which happens to be another subject - you'd be amazed how many people have tried to talk me out of continuing on. I have a brand new 2014 vehicle, my daughter goes to a private school AND she is in competitive dancing (ask me about THOSE costs sometime). I work 2 jobs to make it by and my finances are stretched to the limit but I know many families with dual incomes who are just as tight. In Madysons 7 years of life I've received less than one years worth of child support. I've been encouraged to pursue it and blah blah blah. But why? At this point we primarily live or lives free of the harassment I dealt with so long from "the father".
I don't even know what I'm saying now... words just keep flowing through to this page!!
The fact is I've always felt inferior. I have Two beautiful sisters who found amazing men. I can only hope that one day I find someone as awesome as my brother in laws. I can brag about them all day long. Anyways, my  are beautiful and skinny and smart and athletic and twins. They have so much going for them and I'm Stinking jealous of their lives (yes I'm admitting it - they know though). My older brother is married to a great gal and they have beautiful kids, he is money savvy and had lots going for him too, once again I'm so jealous!! Then there's me... 27 year old Krysta blessed beyond measure and yet still jealous because I desire more. I wish everyday I could be naturally skinny, good with money, and married to a good man. I have so much and yet still yearn for so much. Perception is a killer and we are our own worst critics.
I know that there is a plan for my life - I just wish I knew the details and the timing. I'm so afraid that this it for me. I have a beautiful daughter and I'd do anything for her but I desperately don't wanna do it "alone". My mind constantly points out my weaknesses to myself.
Don't be your own worst enemy. Work hard and be proud of what you accomplish, don't let your insecurities hold you back. There is a plan for each and every one of us. My whinings I've listed here are really nothing in comparison to the reality of some people's lives. I'm working on being thankful for what's in our lives rather than wishing for things outside of my control. We're getting there and we will just keep trucking along waiting for our purposes and futures to reveal themselves!
Thanks for taking the time to scroll through my babbling rants today. :)

Here I am Again

You know, my last post had a lot to do with self confidence and I have a confession. I've not been very self confident. Self esteem is one of my biggest struggles and it has been for a very long time. I don't have the answers to overcome it, but I do know that if you keep pushing forward it builds every time. So today I put on these skinny pants I keep chickening out of. I'm attaching pictures of my outfit and one more focused on the area that causes me grief.
I happen to be extremely self conscious mostly of my legs and thighs. I feel like they say here look at me!! I see things from skinny girls about needing to lose weight blah blah and they have no idea because they've never been in my shoes. Now don't get me wrong, I am not ragging on skinny girls. You are blessed beyond measure to not have the struggle for weight curse!! Anyways.. I digress..  So I was proud of myself for putting on these pants and actually leaving the house in them. Text my sisters saying I did it. I'll have you know my sisters are my #1 encouragers. They quickly responded with woohoo and you go comments. Then my confidence faltered and I shared that with them, and they tell me stop it you look good. One of them says be confident and I (smarty that I am( say what's confident? She was quick to send me this: having strong belief or full assurance; sure:confident of fulfillment.

2. sure of oneself; having no uncertainty about one's own abilities, correctness, successfulness, etc.; self-confident; bold: a confident speaker.

3. excessively bold; presumptuous.

Easier said than done? I know right, but I needed the push. You see we all need the push. Even "skinny" girls be be unconfident. Hold your head high and don't let anyone bring you down!! The harder you work that confidence the better off you will be. P.S. when I say self confidence I don't mean be arrogant!
An update on my weight loss journey: I fell of the wagon for awhile during the holidays but I've been working hard to get back on with my eating and working out. Its a struggle and I'm far from perfect, but my weight is where I last left it. 189 baby - and here is to beating 180!!

Outfit: pants are kiki LaRue, tops and boots are all Maurice's 

The Skin I'm In

You haven't seen me for awhile and that's OK. With the holidays everything was busy and I just took time away. Does this mean I've given up? Not at all!! 2014 has begun and its time to get back in line. I maintained for the most part during the holidays with a 1-2 pound fluctuation. 

I've been more confident and comfortable with my clothing... until today. You see I purchased a pair of skinnies from Kiki LA Rue. I keep thinking I can't wait to slip them on with a long shirt and boots and be oh so cute. I've put them on over and over looked in the mirror and taken them off just as many times. Today I told myself I was gonna go for it. I did go for it, I put those puppies on with a bright teach top and some boots I got for Christmas looked in the mirror checked with the sisters and left the house for work. That's when my confidence betrayed me. I walked into work and felt like everyone was staring at my thighs. I wasn't ready. I lost it - I literally had a breakdown and went home and changed. I didn't even have the cute boots on by the time I was done with myself. 

As soon as I got back from changing I was kicking myself. I should have stuck with it I should have been confident. Yes I've been losing weight but I'm still not skinny! I want so badly to feel cute and oh my gosh dare I say it... I wanna be sexy. I'm a single 26 year old and I have no confidence. 

Why am I writing this? Because it pushed me over the edge - I'm tired of being "the fat one", tired of not feeling good enough, tired of being this way, but are you ready? Here is the lesson: I AM this way, does it make me ugly or less worthy? NO!!! So if you're reading this and you're saying oh my gosh I totally feel that way... STOP IT!! Let that go. Can we be better? Absolutely but we can't change overnight. Change takes a lot of work and time and we must keep our heads up. Let us be confident in the skin we're in as we move forward. 

Happy 2014!!