Life... As we "know" it

It's been awhile since Ive been here quite frankly I haven't had much to say on the weight loss front. Am I still working at it? Why yes I am but I haven't had any new or inspiring words to share and my progress is slow to non existent at times. The last thing I want is to type something up and have you read it and be like I think she says that every time or her words don't seem on it this time. I have always had a thing for writing so this post is mostly not related to my weight loss trials but more to life in general and things that have been weighing my thoughts. I use this as a tool to write something on my mind and maybe find some release in doing so.
I've always kinda been the odd duck of my family. If there is trouble to be had I'm the one who finds it. I'm the middle child who knowing she isn't alone many times feels separated. Before I continue I want to reiterate I'm not saying anything here to point fingers or bring anyone down!! I absolutely have an awesome family and awesome friends they are all always by my side and have done SO many things for me!! It's just some written perspective!! I'm the 27 year old single mother who is broke, sassy, overweight, no man wants me, and I'm far from perfect. I feel my insecurities in everything I do. I strive to keep emotions and silly feelings at bay. In truth I've brought most of these things on myself. I dated a guy for nearly 7-8 years (off and on) leaving behind opportunities and refusing to listen to others words and warnings. I now cringe when I see other amazing young women walking that same path. I ended up having a child with him which made it that much harder... or did it? Having Madyson is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me. Knowing I need to be a role model in many ways to her has caused me to strive much harder than I ever would have without her. Many people who know me personally know a lot of our stories, but amazingly you never know it all. There tends to be so much under the surface that people never pick up on and recognize. These past few years have shown us many a struggle and many a triumph.
I talk about being broke (and we are) but at the same time we have so much. I own my home (Thanks to an awesome real estate agent I've owned it since 2008 - I was only 21). I've pursued higher education. I'm buried in student loans but I graduate for my Bachelor's degree May 10th and AM going on to my Masters. Which happens to be another subject - you'd be amazed how many people have tried to talk me out of continuing on. I have a brand new 2014 vehicle, my daughter goes to a private school AND she is in competitive dancing (ask me about THOSE costs sometime). I work 2 jobs to make it by and my finances are stretched to the limit but I know many families with dual incomes who are just as tight. In Madysons 7 years of life I've received less than one years worth of child support. I've been encouraged to pursue it and blah blah blah. But why? At this point we primarily live or lives free of the harassment I dealt with so long from "the father".
I don't even know what I'm saying now... words just keep flowing through to this page!!
The fact is I've always felt inferior. I have Two beautiful sisters who found amazing men. I can only hope that one day I find someone as awesome as my brother in laws. I can brag about them all day long. Anyways, my  are beautiful and skinny and smart and athletic and twins. They have so much going for them and I'm Stinking jealous of their lives (yes I'm admitting it - they know though). My older brother is married to a great gal and they have beautiful kids, he is money savvy and had lots going for him too, once again I'm so jealous!! Then there's me... 27 year old Krysta blessed beyond measure and yet still jealous because I desire more. I wish everyday I could be naturally skinny, good with money, and married to a good man. I have so much and yet still yearn for so much. Perception is a killer and we are our own worst critics.
I know that there is a plan for my life - I just wish I knew the details and the timing. I'm so afraid that this it for me. I have a beautiful daughter and I'd do anything for her but I desperately don't wanna do it "alone". My mind constantly points out my weaknesses to myself.
Don't be your own worst enemy. Work hard and be proud of what you accomplish, don't let your insecurities hold you back. There is a plan for each and every one of us. My whinings I've listed here are really nothing in comparison to the reality of some people's lives. I'm working on being thankful for what's in our lives rather than wishing for things outside of my control. We're getting there and we will just keep trucking along waiting for our purposes and futures to reveal themselves!
Thanks for taking the time to scroll through my babbling rants today. :)

Here I am Again

You know, my last post had a lot to do with self confidence and I have a confession. I've not been very self confident. Self esteem is one of my biggest struggles and it has been for a very long time. I don't have the answers to overcome it, but I do know that if you keep pushing forward it builds every time. So today I put on these skinny pants I keep chickening out of. I'm attaching pictures of my outfit and one more focused on the area that causes me grief.
I happen to be extremely self conscious mostly of my legs and thighs. I feel like they say here look at me!! I see things from skinny girls about needing to lose weight blah blah and they have no idea because they've never been in my shoes. Now don't get me wrong, I am not ragging on skinny girls. You are blessed beyond measure to not have the struggle for weight curse!! Anyways.. I digress..  So I was proud of myself for putting on these pants and actually leaving the house in them. Text my sisters saying I did it. I'll have you know my sisters are my #1 encouragers. They quickly responded with woohoo and you go comments. Then my confidence faltered and I shared that with them, and they tell me stop it you look good. One of them says be confident and I (smarty that I am( say what's confident? She was quick to send me this: having strong belief or full assurance; sure:confident of fulfillment.

2. sure of oneself; having no uncertainty about one's own abilities, correctness, successfulness, etc.; self-confident; bold: a confident speaker.

3. excessively bold; presumptuous.

Easier said than done? I know right, but I needed the push. You see we all need the push. Even "skinny" girls be be unconfident. Hold your head high and don't let anyone bring you down!! The harder you work that confidence the better off you will be. P.S. when I say self confidence I don't mean be arrogant!
An update on my weight loss journey: I fell of the wagon for awhile during the holidays but I've been working hard to get back on with my eating and working out. Its a struggle and I'm far from perfect, but my weight is where I last left it. 189 baby - and here is to beating 180!!

Outfit: pants are kiki LaRue, tops and boots are all Maurice's 

The Skin I'm In

You haven't seen me for awhile and that's OK. With the holidays everything was busy and I just took time away. Does this mean I've given up? Not at all!! 2014 has begun and its time to get back in line. I maintained for the most part during the holidays with a 1-2 pound fluctuation. 

I've been more confident and comfortable with my clothing... until today. You see I purchased a pair of skinnies from Kiki LA Rue. I keep thinking I can't wait to slip them on with a long shirt and boots and be oh so cute. I've put them on over and over looked in the mirror and taken them off just as many times. Today I told myself I was gonna go for it. I did go for it, I put those puppies on with a bright teach top and some boots I got for Christmas looked in the mirror checked with the sisters and left the house for work. That's when my confidence betrayed me. I walked into work and felt like everyone was staring at my thighs. I wasn't ready. I lost it - I literally had a breakdown and went home and changed. I didn't even have the cute boots on by the time I was done with myself. 

As soon as I got back from changing I was kicking myself. I should have stuck with it I should have been confident. Yes I've been losing weight but I'm still not skinny! I want so badly to feel cute and oh my gosh dare I say it... I wanna be sexy. I'm a single 26 year old and I have no confidence. 

Why am I writing this? Because it pushed me over the edge - I'm tired of being "the fat one", tired of not feeling good enough, tired of being this way, but are you ready? Here is the lesson: I AM this way, does it make me ugly or less worthy? NO!!! So if you're reading this and you're saying oh my gosh I totally feel that way... STOP IT!! Let that go. Can we be better? Absolutely but we can't change overnight. Change takes a lot of work and time and we must keep our heads up. Let us be confident in the skin we're in as we move forward. 

Happy 2014!!

It's ON!!

The past couple weeks I haven't tried very hard. I've slacked a lot and not worked out. I've eaten a LOT and not a lot of good. Then I had my panic. I've not gained any weight back but I haven't broken out of the 190s and that just drives me crazy! If you've read my blog very regularly you can see I go through these back and forth spurts. I've got to stop doing that!! Is it OK to have a bad day even a couple days? Absolutely!! But to have a bad couple weeks every month is a major hindrance. Imagine where I could be if I only had a couple bad days instead of a couple bad weeks. Imagine... because that's my goal. Am I a perfect dieter? No way... and I never will be, but can I out forth a better effort? Oh most definitely!!
I'm going to get there!!
Life is busy right now and its so easy for me to say I don't have time, but you know I really do have time. Even with our busy activities, I'm usually home by 8:30 and I don't need to go to bed that early. Even with little time I should be able to make good choices
Somewhere I'm rubbing off on my kid (and I'm not talking about attitude!!) This morning she was looking at packages (mind you it was mouth wash and Bunny food) but she was talking about calories.
Last night someone I really don't know said you're looking great!! That's so nice and its things like that which really keep me going!!
Hold your head high and KEEP GOING!! Break out of funks and let go and don't give up. I don't care if you've had a bad year (we all have them but let's not get into life issues) just keep moving forward!!
You're not alone in any struggle I promise. I don't care who you are I'm here for you whether you're struggling because of weight, money, relationships, it doesn't matter you're not alone!
And of course we gotta have a picture!! Trick or treat was last night and I barely ate any candy ;)

I live for this beautiful little girl 

Fitness... and beyond

Its been a crazy busy time. My 2nd sister got married. It was beautiful and perfect!! Tell me do you see a difference?

The picture on the left in blue is June 2013, the picture on the right is October 12th. They are almost exactly 4 months apart. They are not from the same angle I apologize but it was the best I could do right now.
I have no more weight loss to report just yet, I'm working on that, but I can say I feel a tremendous difference!! I've been working out hard more than not lately. I can feel a difference in my clothing and I'm enjoying pulling out clothes that haven't fit or been flattering. Small victory... my BROTHER noticed. And his wife asked me how (I make that up as I go). Happy dance!!!! Yes I meant literally.. happy dance!

I have worked out hard pushing myself and feeling like I was gonna die several times. But guess what... I didn't! Then I knew I could do it and I wanted to push myself even more.
Yesterday was a rough day. You see many times I feel alone (even though I'm obviously not) and that's a struggle for me. I watch all these people and it seems like so many good things are happening to everyone except me. Yesterday I had a slap in the face from a good friend and I was heart broken. I share this not because I want sympathy for my at times pathetic life but because I want to share my success that I drew out of it. I'm very blessed I know this. I have tons of amazing people in my life and I let the actions of pretty much one person pull all that away from me!! BUT.... the win? I didn't let it throw me into food for comfort, in fact I didn't even have that desire! This my friends is an accomplishment. A short time ago this kind of day would have me reaching for chocolate and pop and those comforts didn't even cross my mind!!
Its fall time and lots of great things are coming about but I will not be swayed.. at least not that much!! ;)

Today

I didn't weigh myself today but I have a feeling I'm about the same. I feel good today, not just about weight but a lot of things. Every once in awhile, life looks up when its looked down and it feels great. This feeling alone gives me renewed strength and will to keep moving forward.
Today: a wonderful lady told me i looked amazing when she saw me last night. Asked for my secrets (he he).
Today: I'm wearing an old pair of jeans in a smaller size AND a shirt I bought probably 3-4 months ago and I haven't felt comfortable wearing. Its been tight around my mid-section and thighs. I've attached a picture for you. Its not the best picture but it shows the shirt and jeans, which was the point! (Shirt courtesy of WWW.kikilarue.com and the jeans are Maurice's. Both my favorite places to shop)
Today: I walked into work and someone said you look really good today!
My weight loss progress is slow and truth be known I've only lost 14 pounds, but I already feel great, I'm already receiving numerous compliments. I think its about time I go jeans shopping! :)

What's up: Some truths for you

Obviously it's been awhile since I've written. So, here's the deal. I'm no longer going to commit to every Wednesday but I'm still going to commit because I need that accountability. My goal is to write every 1-2 weeks.
The truth? Some weeks I didn't do it just because I didn't want to, some because I forget, and some simply because I'm busy!! More truth? I haven't tried that hard, I've been drinking more pop than I should, I've not worked out as much as I should and its been a rough few weeks. Another truth? I've had some things in my life I've allowed to bring me down and I've used those things as a crutch... an excuse... to not stick to what I needed to be doing.
Now I did not completely fall off the wagon, while I've eaten some things I shouldn't and I've slacked BUT I've still been conscious of what I'm doing. Not because I am plowing through some french fries and magically think I'm a pig but I notice almost a habit of being conscious of my portion sizes and even my choices. So sure I might enjoy a SMALL french fry order but I account for it with portion control and making sure I'm not eating like that allllllll the time.
So this morning I stepped on the scale. I've not weighed myself since my last post and I really had a negative attitude, but to my surprise I saw 190. Say it again.. 190!!!!!! That's a total of 14 pounds. Today I wore a cute little shirt and I feel confident and you would be amazed the number of compliments I've received.
My words of truth... are you ready? No one is perfect.. ESPECIALLY ME.. but I keep trying and I keep moving forward and instead of beating myself up I just adjust and keep trying. I'm getting somewhere. It will take me a long time to be where I wanna be, but progress is amazing!! Don't get down.. depressing thoughts will only discourage you and you will reach for a Twinkie and that's OK, eat a Twinkie but don't eat 3 of them and don't follow it up with a donut, a Dr. Pepper, a Snickers, a cookie, and a large pizza. ;)